


I'll always be there when you wake

by gossamerthoughts



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Caitlin Snow & Iris West Friendship, F/M, Romance, Slow Burn, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:20:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 45,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24638239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gossamerthoughts/pseuds/gossamerthoughts
Summary: "It wasn't until the fifth time that Barry was sitting on the bed in S.T.A.R. Labs with Caitlin yelling at him that he realized — this was the way Caitlin showed she cared." Snowbarry — starting at S1E1. Canon until S1E12, then slightly adjusted because that episode spins off a whole new chain of events.
Relationships: Barry Allen/Caitlin Snow, Eddie Thawne/Iris West
Comments: 56
Kudos: 123
Collections: The Flash





	1. i'll always be there when you wake

**I’ll always be there when you wake**

_I just want someone to say to me, oh  
_ _I'll always be there when you wake, yeah  
_ _You know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today  
_ _So stay with me and I'll have it made_

_— “No Rain,” Blind Melon_

* * *

Barry Allen woke to a woman shining a bright light in his face, speaking so fast he could barely process it.

“Where am I?” He couldn’t really remember what happened. One moment he was looking at his board of newspaper clippings, and the next he was here in this hospital bed.

The woman ignored him. “Pulse 120. Pupils equally reactive to light. Look at me. Look at me.”

“Whoa whoa whoa relax,” another voice said. Male. “Everything’s okay, man. You’re at S.T.A.R Labs.”

“S.T.A.R. Labs? Who are you?” They helped Barry sit up.

“I’m Cisco Ramon. She’s Caitlin — Dr. Snow,” the man corrected, with a good-natured roll of his eyes.

“I need you to urinate in this,” Caitlin AKA Dr. Snow said. She seemed to be the hyper-focused one; Cisco seemed to be the one that would actually answer his questions.

Barry started putting the pieces together, and the more he thought, the more questions he had. Why wasn’t he in a hospital? What happened to him? Why did S.T.A.R. Labs have him? Where were Joe and Iris? Why was he shirtless?

Cisco and Caitlin ( _do I call her Dr. Snow?_ Barry wondered to himself) were still arguing. Cisco had snatched the pee cup.

“ _What is going on?_ ” Barry demanded. He was beginning to lose his patience. He pushed his way past them, out of the bed. _I feel great,_ he thought absent-mindedly.

“You got _struck by lightning,_ dude,” Cisco said.

Barry looked at himself in the mirror. “Lightning gave me abs?”

“Your muscles should be atrophied, but instead they’re in a chronic and unexplained state of cellular regeneration,” Caitlin (Barry decided he was going to call her Caitlin) said, grabbing him by the shoulders and moving him backwards to the bed. “You’re lucky. They’re nice abs.”

Cisco and Barry both just looked at her. _So she’s not a robot,_ Barry thought.

“Oookay,” Caitlin said. “Moving on.”

Things happened very fast. Dr. Wells came in, told Barry he’d been in a coma for nine months, his heart was beating too fast for the doctors to tell it was even beating, apparently Iris had come to see him a lot —

 _She cares,_ Barry thought.

“She talks a lot,” Caitlin interjected.

“She’s hot,” Cisco proclaimed.

— and Barry knew that as unbelievably cool it was to meet Dr. Wells and to be wearing a frickin’ S.T.A.R. Labs sweatshirt, he needed to get back to Joe and Iris.

“Thanks!” he said as he rushed out.

Dr. Wells looked resigned. Cisco shrugged.

“ _Really?_ ” was all Caitlin had to say. _You would think that I would get more than a ‘thank you’ after being by your bedside for nine months, Barry,_ she thought. But she didn’t really blame him. After all, he, unlike her, had a family and loved ones to go back to.

She already missed him a little, though. There was something startlingly clear and open in those green eyes of his, and she wished she could get to know him better.

“C’mon, _Dr. Snow_ ,” Cisco said gently, as if he were reading her thoughts. “Let’s get everything cleaned up.”

Caitlin sighed and followed him out the door. Just another day at S.T.A.R. Labs.

* * *

The second time Barry met Caitlin, she was treating him like a test subject again. Without so much as a hello, she tapped on his suit, syncing it to the slim black tablet she held. Her light hair blew in her face, but she ignored it, focused on the task at hand.

She _did_ notice him staring at her.

“What?” she asked, a little irritably. It hadn’t been a good day.

“I just noticed you don’t smile that much,” he said without any hint of pity or malice. It sounded like he actually cared.

Caitlin shook it off. Nobody had checked in since the particle accelerator exploded, and she wasn’t about to open her heart to Dr. Well’s new science project.

“My once-promising career in bioengineering is over, my boss is in a wheelchair, the explosion that put you in a coma also killed my fiancé.” She finally looked up at him, pained brown eyes meeting concerned green ones. “So this blank expression feels like the way to go.”

Barry swallowed and watched her go. And then he ran.

“He just passed 200 miles per hour.”

Caitlin stood up. “It’s not possible,” she breathed.

Little did she know that Barry Allen would soon do many, many things that should not have been possible.

* * *

It wasn’t until the fifth time that Barry was sitting on the bed in S.T.A.R. Labs with Caitlin yelling at him that he realized —

_This was the way Caitlin showed she cared._

It meant she was concerned about him.

“I haven’t seen her this pissed since Ronnie,” Cisco said as he ambled off.

“Ronnie was… Caitlin’s fiancé?” Barry asked Dr. Wells.

“Yes. Ronnie is… missed," the older man said.

Barry understood all too well what it meant to miss someone.

* * *

“When some people break, they can’t be put back together,” Dr. Wells said, looking at the report of Mardon’s death on the news.

“And some people become stronger than ever,” Barry said softly.

Barry realized this as he ran, hearing Caitlin’s smile over the intercom as she said, “Get your ass over there.”

**Some people’s pain made them stronger, because they were needed to help those who couldn’t help themselves.**


	2. some things you cannot outrun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No matter how fast you are, there are some things you simply cannot outrun.

**some things you cannot outrun**

_You can’t outrun pain...  
_ _but you also cannot outrun love._

* * *

“Barry, wait! You can’t go; we don’t know enough about him. It’s not safe!”

“I have to go.”

And with that, he was gone. All Caitlin was left with was the wind blowing her hair back and a slightly stunned look on her face. She briefly wondered if she’d ever get used to him running off like that.

She wondered if he’d ever listen to her when she told him not to go.

* * *

“My chest feels like that one time I had a cigarette.”

Caitlin just looked at him.

“Yeah, teen me lived for danger.” Barry grinned.

“This _isn’t funny._ You could’ve —”

“Yeah. But I didn’t.” Barry looked up at her earnestly and a little too reassuringly, like he knew how concerned she was. The look said it all: _You were right. I ran headlong into danger. Thank you for saving me (again). I’m glad I didn’t die. Thank you for being here when I woke up._

* * *

Barry had come to S.T.A.R. Labs to see if they had found any updates on The Mist (personally, he thought Cisco could come up with a better name, but it’s not like _he_ had anything more creative to suggest, so whatever), but no one was there when he walked in.

A little disappointed, he wandered around until he saw Caitlin sitting alone. Her back was to him, but he could almost feel her sadness penetrate the glass that stood between them.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you like that,” he said as he sat down next to her.

She turned to look at him. “I know. You had to go. It’s just… that’s the last thing Ronnie said to me that night.”

She wrung her hands a little, and Barry noticed she still wore her engagement ring. He swallowed thickly. They were both victims of loss, of pain, of heartbreak.

“My mother died fourteen years ago,” he confided softly. “And the pain...I used to think the further away I got from it, the less pain I’d feel. But some days the pain is worse than the day it happened. Some things you can’t fight.”

Caitlin thought about those words as they stood looking at the place where her life ended. She wondered if the pain would ever fade, if the pain could possibly be worse than the night of the explosion, when Ronnie died before he even got to say, “I love you,” to her one last time.

(He didn’t need to say it. She already knew.)

“He was a hero,” Barry said, walking to stand beside her.

“I didn’t need him to be a hero,” she admitted softly. “I needed him to be my husband.”

The look in his green eyes told her that he understood. And that he knew the pain that he put her through every time he raced off to face another villain. As he wrapped his arms around her in a hug, she realized she was tired of running from the pain.

**Here, finally, was someone who understood.**


	3. power & purpose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry and Caitlin both have a bad habit of caring too much about people.

**power & purpose**

_I've seen minutes turn to hours  
_ _Hours turn to years  
_ _And I've seen truth turn to power  
_ _If you could feel me the way I see you  
_ _You'd be a believer_

_— “Truth to Power,” OneRepublic_

* * *

Caitlin’s life had settled into a strange pattern. It was almost like any workplace — she got up in the morning, put on her skirt and blouse (maybe a dress if she was feeling particularly unwilling to find clothes that matched, though all her clothes were of the same color palette so it wasn’t too hard), go to work, go home, drink wine, go to bed. And repeat.

The difference was that when she went to work, it was no longer creating things for S.T.A.R. Labs.

Instead, she was part-Barry Allen’s personal physician, part-superhero command center, part-geneticist-who-figures-out-how-to-stop-villains.

Sometimes, she wonders what Carla would think of her daughter if she knew what Caitlin was up to.

It was a little lonely, sure. But Caitlin had always been consumed by work, and now her work involved a superhero whose identity was hidden from the city, meta-humans who always kept them on their toes, and robberies/murders/whatever else you can think of that woke her up in the middle of the night or kept her in the lab until the early hours of the morning.

For the first time since Ronnie’s death, Caitlin felt like she had a purpose. Like she was making an impact on the world. Like she too, could be a little bit of a hero.

That all shattered when they were standing in the middle of the room with the treadmill, with Barry hurt and a crazy power-sucker on the loose.

“Caitlin! Do it!” Barry shouted.

“I _can’t._ I already lost someone I cared about in this building. I can’t do it again.”

“If you don’t, we could all die!” Barry paused for a breath. “Listen, someone once told me that I was struck by that lightning for a reason. That it chose me. I’m not sure I believe it. But right now, it doesn’t matter what I believe. What do _you_ believe?”

Caitlin looked at him, at his serious green eyes and determined set to his jaw, and she knew the answer without even having to say it. _I believe in you, Barry Allen._

She always had. “Come on,” he coaxed as she started to pull on the lever that would (hopefully) give him his speed back. He gripped the metal bars tightly.

Caitlin closed her eyes and took a leap of faith.

_It didn’t work._

She believed, and it didn’t work.

She could see Barry freaking out, understandably. He was freaking out as Tony died right in front of him, his childhood bully defeated by a guy who shot lightning. He was freaking out as he yelled at Dr. Wells about using them all as pawns, about sacrificing one life for theirs. He was freaking out as Cisco told him about “the yips” (what a ridiculous name, but it _was_ Cisco after all).

He was freaking out, and Cailtin knew what that felt like all too well.

“Hey,” she said. As he turned to face her, eyes shining, she gave him a half-smile. “You asked if I believed if you were struck by lightning. _I believe._ You should too.”

He took a deep breath and nodded.

And he did it. He saved them. All he had to do was _do it for the people he cared about._

He, like Caitlin, had a bad habit of caring too much about people, but in this case, it saved all their lives.


	4. unsolicited advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes the advice you don't want to hear is the thing you need to hear the most.

**unsolicited advice**

_ Take it from someone who knows heartbreak all too well. _

* * *

She wasn’t quite sure when she’d fallen for Barry Allen. It kind of snuck up on her, slowly and steadily, but at the same time, it seemed like it happened in a flash.

Ironic.

She would always love Ronnie, she knew that. He was the first person who methodically and cheerfully broke down her walls, brick by brick, exposing the girl that lay within. And she would never forget his sacrifice, his innate  _ good, _ his light.

The pain had faded into a dull ache. Sometimes she missed him so fiercely it hurt to breathe; other times, she remembered him with a quiet fondness and a soft smile.

The pain was always there, but it was manageable. And it left room in her heart for more love.

Barry had swept into that spot. A spot filled with wide smiles and earnest green eyes, with skin-tight uniforms and red masks, with wind making her papers and her hair fly alike, with a gentle voice and a passionate soul.

He, like Ronnie, had the unique ability to make her laugh. She almost felt light-hearted around him; he was blithely optimistic and trusting; he was sensitive and understanding.

She realized this in the middle of S.T.A.R. Labs, with everyone staring at her staring at him.

“Oh… sorry,” she muttered, coloring. “I was trying to figure out a problem in my head.”

“You guys can figure this out without me, right? Just give me a call if you do,” Barry said as he checked his phone.

Caitlin eyed him. “Is… the Flash off to another rooftop rendezvous with Iris?”

“No,” he said guiltily.

She gave him a look. Barry was a terrible liar.

“Okay, yeah. But you know, she probably just wants to ask me, you know him, about metahuman stuff.” He turned and made his way to his suit.

“Do you want some advice?” Caitlin said suddenly.

Barry turned around. “No matter what I say, I’m getting the advice, aren’t I?” he said, with a look that very clearly said, _N_ _ o, I do not want to hear it. _

Well, too bad. “Don’t get involved,” Caitlin said. “As the Flash or yourself. You don’t want to be the one to blame for their breakup.”

“Okay. I hear you,” he replied, then was gone.

She knew that Barry wouldn’t listen, even if it was for his own good. Couldn’t he see that Iris loved him… but as a brother? That her type was guys like Eddie or the Arrow, guys who practically emanated confidence and, well, manliness.

And selfishly, she wanted Barry to stop seeing Iris as the Flash because she was afraid he was chasing daydreams, afraid she’d actually fall for him, afraid of losing the small sliver of hope she held onto that maybe, just maybe, someday things would work out for her and Barry Allen.


	5. interlude (the road not taken)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Out of all the people in the world, it had to be Barry Allen.

**interlude (the road not taken)**

_ “We looked down that road and said, ‘No, no thank you.’” _

_ “... they get it.” _

_ — Felicity and Barry, to Team Flash _

* * *

Felicity, like Barry, had the uncanny ability to find levity in any situation, no matter how dire.

If there hadn’t been unmistakable romantic tension between the two of them, Caitlin would’ve said they were like siblings. Maybe even twins.

Maybe that’s why Caitlin felt this strange kinship with the woman. Or maybe it was simply the lack of other smart, talented women in her life at the moment. Or maybe it was because you’d have to be literally psycho not to like Felicity.

But if Barry couldn’t even make it work with Felicity then… how did Caitlin even stand a chance?

“Caitlin, I’m not Ronnie. You gotta stop treating me like I am,” Barry said, anger flashing in his eyes.

_ How dare he.  _ “You’re right. You’re not,” she snapped, and spun on her heel to leave.

How dare she think she could have a chance at happiness.


	6. christmases when you were mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team Flash celebrates Christmas at the West's.

**christmases when you were mine**

_ I know this shouldn't be a lonely time _

_ But there were Christmases when you were mine. _

_ I've been doing fine without you, really _

_ Up until the nights got cold _

_ And everybody's here, except you, baby _

_ Seems like everyone's got someone to hold _

_ — “Christmases When You Were Mine,” Taylor Swift _

* * *

Christmas at the West’s was welcome.

Caitlin and Cisco had practically married their jobs; she didn’t know much about Cisco, but her father was dead and she hadn’t spoken to her ice queen of a mother in years, so she had been looking at Christmas alone.

Joe was always particularly sensitive to those in need of a family — the man had a good heart. What made it uncomfortable was watching Barry try so hard to hide his hurt every time he looked at Iris and Eddie. She had seen his face when he walked in and saw Iris sitting on Eddie’s lap. She had seen him plaster a smile on his face and approach them, giving them his blessing. She had seen him turn around and keep the smile, but his eyes shone brightly with unshed tears.

Between that and Ronnie’s reappearance, not to mention the killer yellow Flash that was still out there, there was  _ a lot  _ in this world to be sad about, but despite it all, there was still this feeling of family.

A feeling she hadn’t felt in a long, long time.

They all needed each other, especially during these times. And all of them were extra glad that Iris grabbed a bottle of bourbon and ceremoniously poured a long, long pour into the eggnog, saying, “It seems like you all think ‘light on the bourbon’ was too light, so I’m giving you people what you want.”

She smiled brightly, her smile spreading across her whole face the way Barry’s did, and Caitlin could see why Barry fell in love with this girl. She was bright and beautiful and light-hearted — something that was so rare in this world.

* * *

That night when she went home, slightly buzzed off eggnog and happily full, she poured herself a glass of wine and opened one of her photo albums, one she hadn’t touched in years.

Ronnie had given it to her when they first started dating. It was a compilation of candid shots of Caitlin, taken before she was “ready” for the photo, and the two of them smiling, laughing, and being disgustingly in love.

It was just her luck that her fiancé was not really  _ dead _ , but rather this lost soul who could fly and spontaneously burst into flames. Her words to Cisco reverberated in her head:  _ I wish he had died. _

It would make things easier, more predictable. Caitlin liked predictable. Hell, she  _ thrived _ on predictable.

But Ronnie had never been predictable, and that was one of the things that made him so exciting.

She wondered if she was a shitty person for wanting to give up on him.

She wondered what the old Ronnie would say if he were here.

She downed the last of her wine, put the album back in its drawer carefully, and headed off to get ready for bed, feeling bittersweet and more than a little nostalgic.


	7. everything changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything changes when Caitlin gets kidnapped.

**everything changes**

_ 'Cause all I know is we said hello _

_ And your eyes look like coming home _

_ All I know is a simple name _

_ And everything has changed _

_ — “Everything Has Changed,” Taylor Swift & Ed Sheeran _

* * *

As Barry confided in her, Caitlin could see the pain and confusion raging a war in his eyes. He had hoped everything would change when he confessed his love to Iris, but instead, she had just sat there and cried. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and hold her close, but how could he when he was the source of her pain?

So he left.

And now, everything was strange. He didn’t know how to act, he didn’t know if she even wanted him around, he didn’t know what she was thinking at all. The weight of his confession hung in the air, sucking the breath out of both of them.

“Things weren’t totally  _ normal _ with you pining after Iris and her being totally unaware. Whatever happens next, it’ll be better,” Caitlin said, trying to reassure herself as much as she was reassuring him.

She gave him a sad smile and he returned it — two people who had fallen hopelessly in love with people who they could not be with.

As he turned to go, he suddenly stopped in his tracks. “Wait, Caitlin,” he said.

A flame of hope ignited in her heart.

“Scuba,” Barry said.

_ What? _

“Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus. It’s an acronym.”

“Oh. So FIRESTORM… could be one too.” She typed quickly on the keyboard, her nails tapping an anxious pattern. “It’s 800 pages.”

Barry looked at her and sighed a little. It seemed like everyone needed him to do something today, and while he was usually happy to use his speed to help them along, today he felt pretty crappy. But he did it anyway, speed-reading through 800 pages of dense material in a few seconds. If Caitlin needed help, he was happy to help.

He blinked rapidly. “There’s a lot of stuff in there, but it mostly focuses on transmutation, which focuses on unzipping the atoms and —”

“And rebuilding it to create an entirely new element,” Caitlin finished.

“Yeah,” Barry said, nodding.

Caitlin couldn’t help but feel a rush of gratitude toward this man? boy? who was clearly hurting, but still managed to crack the case of Ronnie’s parting words  _ and  _ was intelligent enough to understand all 800 pages of that journal she’d cajoled him into reading.

* * *

Caitlin’s day was progressively getting worse — and that was a gross understatement.

She had been frustrated at the dead-end Jason Rush had turned out to be, but that was  _ nothing  _ compared to getting abducted by Snart and his psycho sidekick with the flamethrower gun. Thanks to Snart, her car was now an ice cube and she was god knows where, tied up and being used as  _ bait _ for Barry.

It was a little flattering that they thought she and the Flash were close enough to use her as bait, but also very demeaning — did they go for her simply because she was a woman, and therefore the easiest target? Typical men.

Still, being broadcast on CCTV while bound and struggling was  _ not _ how she wanted to make her first televised appearance. Well, she supposed standing next to Dr. Wells the night the particle accelerator was televised counted, but that didn’t go swimmingly either.

Clearly, she was not meant to be a TV star.

Jokes aside, Caitlin knew Barry was coming. He was a  _ hero _ ; it was his thing to save people. And they were friends. Even if he would never see her as anything more, he still would come. Because he would never let anyone die, not at his hands. Even if it meant risking his life.

Still — “Don’t do it, Barry,” she screamed. “It’s not worth it!”

If you looked at it in terms of who would save more people over the course of their lives, Barry would. And so his life was worth more than hers.

God, Caitlin really hated being the damsel in distress.

“You and this Flash must be really close if you’re willing to die for him, hmm?” Mick said. Jesus, this guy was literally psycho. She wondered if the fire had damaged his brain too.

Caitlin didn’t say anything. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of being right. Though a little part of her brain sneered, _N_ _ ot as close as you’d like, hmm? _

“You want me to show you who you really are?  _ Who you really are? _ ” Mick aimed the gun at her neck.

Caitlin held her breath.

“ _ Mick.  _ Time to go,” Snart ordered.

_ Oh thank god,  _ Caitlin thought, exhaling shakily. She had never been so thankful to hear Snart’s voice in her life.

* * *

In the end, it was Joe and Cisco who rescued her (i.e. Joe saved all their lives while Cisco accidentally triggered the bomb, but granted no one could understand her muffled  _ no _ ’s anyway).

“I thought I was gonna die,” she breathed.

“Not while I’m around.” Cisco grinned. “Or him,” he said, looking up at Detective West.

Caitlin just hoped that Barry was okay.

* * *

11pm found Caitlin back in her own apartment, showered, fed, and wrapped in her favorite comforter.

Cisco had insisted on ordering takeout with her and watching  _ The Sound of Music  _ (yes, don’t judge), making her laugh with his ridiculous commentary. As the night drew on, she could see him struggling to keep his eyes open. It had been a long day for all of them.

“Go home, Cisco. I’ll be fine, really,” Caitlin insisted.

Cisco stretched, yawned, snorted, all in that order. “Wh- I wasn’t falling asleep. Nope, I’m wide awake. Definitely not falling asleep because of your favorite movie.”

Caitlin laughed. “No, you definitely are. Seriously, I’ll be okay. And thank you for staying with me. And you know… rescuing me.”

Cisco smiled. “I’m always here for you, Caitlin. You know that.”

“I know. Now go home! Get some sleep — you need it.”

“Yes, beauty sleep is what keeps my long locks so luscious,” he joked, and headed out the door, giving her a final hug. “You get some sleep too, Caitlin.”

“I will,” she promised, but she very much doubted that she would be sleeping at all tonight.

Sighing, she poured herself some chamomile tea in the hopes that it would calm her down. She took a sip, then set it down. “Oh, who am I kidding,” she said aloud. Padding softly down the hall, she went to grab the whiskey bottle Ronnie had given her as a “we-moved-in-together” present.

She’d been saving it for a special occasion, but this seemed like an appropriate time to break it open. She poured a generous amount into her tea, added honey and squeeze of lemon, and felt absurdly proud of herself. “I made a hot toddy!”

Cupping the warm drink in both hands, she made her way to the bedroom and slipped one of Ronnie’s old shirts over her head. Cuddling into the fluffy comforter, she sipped the tea ( _ can you call an alcoholic tea a tea?  _ she wondered idly) as she thought through the day again.

She had really, truly believed that she would die. As much as she believed in Barry, she knew that he would be held up by Snart and Mick, and those guns were no joke. Caitlin knew she’d be having nightmares of Mick’s face for a long, long time. Coupled with his penchant for fire and Ronnie’s terrifying ability to burst into flames… well, let’s just say she wouldn’t be going near a fireplace any time soon.

A few tears leaked out as she thought of Ronnie and soon it turned into an all-out sob. Honestly, she didn’t quite know  _ why  _ she was crying, other than the fact that she felt unbearably overwhelmed.

“Cait?” a voice said softly.

“Jesus!” she shrieked, spilling the tea all over her white comforter. She looked around wildly and visibly relaxed when she saw Barry standing there. “Please don’t sneak up on me again,” she said. “I… I don’t know when I’ll stop being so jumpy, but probably not anytime soon."

He looked appropriately contrite. “Sorry.”

“How’d you even get in here, Barry?” she asked.

“I… well, you should probably lock your doors at night, Caitlin. Not to freak you out or anything.”

She sighed. Of course she hadn’t remembered to lock the door after Cisco left.

Barry looked at her with concern. “You okay? I came over here to check — I know it’s late but I was helping Iris move out and Joe asked me to move in and — well, I came as fast as I could. You’re crying…”

She stopped his ramble with a teary wave of her hand. “‘S okay, Barry. I just feel a little… lost and overwhelmed, you know?”

“I know,” he said softly, sitting down on the bed next to her. “C’mere.” He pulled her close, letting her tears soak his worn T-shirt.

“I hate feeling like a useless girl,” she sniffled.

“Hey, stop that. You’re anything but useless. You’ve saved my ass time and time again. I’d probably be dead without you.”

“I would literally be dead without you guys.”

“Stop, Caitlin. It was my fault you got kidnapped in the first place. They wanted to use you as bait to get to me.”

She looked at him softly. “I knew there would be risks when we started helping you. I accepted it. I’ve made my peace. Barry, the city needs you. The city doesn’t need me.”

He didn’t say anything for a long time. “ _ I  _ need you,” he said against her hair, so softly she almost missed it.

They sat in silence for a while again, a comfortable one this time. “Barry…” Caitlin said hesitantly. “Can you stay until I fall asleep? It’s okay if you don’t want to, I just… I can’t stop thinking of them and their guns. Mick was crazy…”

“Of course,” Barry said, sprawling on the bed next to her, his long frame instantly relaxing into a languid pose. “I’ll stay as long as you want me to.”

* * *

The sun streamed softly through the shades, casting beams of light onto the white sheets. Caitlin blinked her eyes open blearily, at once hyper-aware of someone else breathing close by. She rolled over to see Barry still sprawled on his side of the bed, one arm covering his face as he slept.

She smiled, watching him for a moment.  _ He looks so peaceful,  _ she thought.  _ And he stayed. _

It was then and there that Caitlin knew she was in trouble. She may not have wanted her life to play out like some twisted romance movie, but it sure was turning out to be like one.

* * *

_ This morning when I woke _

_ Is I know something now, know something now I didn't before _

_ And all I've seen _

_ Since eighteen hours ago _

_ Is green eyes and freckles and your smile _

_ In the back of my mind making me feel like _

_ I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now. _

_ — “Everything Has Changed” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always thought it was kinda weird that they didn't show Barry checking up on Caitlin, so here we are.


	8. summer lovin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry and Caitlin sing karaoke. Drunkness ensues.

**summer lovin’**

_ “Look, I’m not an expert on love, but I think in order to move on from Ronnie, you actually have to move on.” _

_ — Cisco _

* * *

Caitlin had been replaying Cisco’s words over and over again since they had their little chat. She thought she had done a great job of moving on from Ronnie, especially having been kidnapped by Captain Cold and his pyromaniac sidekick, but apparently not good enough.

“Something bothering you?” Barry asked.

“Wha- no, why would you think that?”

“Becauuuuse you’re doing the biting your lower lip thing when something’s bothering you.” His eyes traveled down to her lips and lingered for a moment longer that seemed appropriate. 

Hm. “Nope, nothing.” Caitlin felt her traitorous heart beat too quickly for its own good.

“Okay.” He turned back to face the computer screen.

She couldn’t take it anymore. “Cisco says I don’t have a life,” she burst out.

Barry grinned. “You  _ don’t _ , do you?” The way he said was teasing — she didn’t feel bad about herself when  _ he  _ said it.

“I  _ do _ !” she argued, crossing her arms, feeling a little like a petulant child.  _ Jesus, Cailtin, all you’d have to do is stomp your foot and you’d be the girl having a temper tantrum,  _ she admonished herself. “I cook, and I eat, and I read, and I help you…” she trailed off.

Oh. Caitlin supposed that no, she didn’t really have a life.

“Sooo, what you’re saying is that you’re doing everything that has nothing to do with having a life.”

“Hey, you don’t have to be rude about it.” She smiled despite herself.

“Hey, I’m not doing any better than you,” he admitted. “My social life consists of running at superhuman speed and Netflix.”

“We are quite the pair, Mr. Allen.” She looked at him sideways and gave a little smile.

“Yes, we are, Dr. Snow.” He returned the look and the smile, and Caitlin’s brain went into overdrive.

_ Wait… are we flirting? Am I flirting? Is he flirting with me?  _ she thought.

Then he ran off to ruin their meta-human Bonnie and Clyde’s social life (his quotes, not hers) and she was back at being Dr. Snow, the Flash’s personal physician, pulling a bullet out of his neck, and he was back to being the hero.

* * *

Caitlin didn’t know why she offered to join Barry at the bar, but here she was, pulling a million outfits out of her closet and despairing over what to wear.

It had been a long time since she had gotten dressed up to go out. And this was one of the times where she really could've used a female friend. She half considered calling Iris, but she suspected Iris was otherwise occupied, because why else would Barry be scoping out bars instead of hanging out with his best friend?

At the back of her closet was a sequined black mini dress. Caitlin remembered the last time she’d worn it — her first date with Ronnie. He’d been unable to keep his eyes off her… exactly the effect she wanted tonight.

Hey, if she didn’t have much of a social life, she was going to make every social outing count.

She pulled it on, glad it still fit like it used to. She curled her hair into messy waves, rimmed her eyes with eyeliner, and reapplied her lip gloss and mascara. A few spritzes of perfume and she was good to go.

“Date night, miss?” the Uber driver asked.

Smiling, Caitlin shook her head. “No, just drinks with a friend.”

The Uber driver shook his head in return. “Ain’t no friend if you’re going to drinks dressed like that. You look beautiful — he’s got to be blind if he doesn’t notice in that dress.” He smiled kindly.

Somehow, she found this reassuring rather than creepy. “Thanks,” she said, smiling. Barry wasn’t blind… just a little blinded by his love for Iris.

She strode into the bar, searching the room for Barry. He was seated at a small circular table in the middle, having swapped out his regular red or green sweater and button-up for… a baby blue sweater and no button up. Typical guys.

“Hey,” Barry said, turning to greet her. Caitlin noticed with satisfaction that his jaw dropped a little as he looked her up and down, taking in her outfit.

“What?” she asked sweetly (and also to make sure it wasn’t jaw-dropping in a  _ bad  _ way).

“What? Nothing. Uh, well, you look… really nice,” he said to her boobs.

His eyes finally made their way back to her face as she sat down. “I don’t always dress like a high school principal,” she teased, putting her bag on the table.

“Sooo,” he said. “This is where Shawna Baez and Clay Parker used to hang out.” His voice rose up at the end, like it was a question.

“It is, according to the files,” she confirmed. “I thought we could kill two birds with one stone. Look for them and get ourselves back out there.”

“Hm,” was all Barry said for a second. And then: “I keep making the same mistake,” he confessed. “I keep racing over there so every time that Iris falls, I’m there to pick her back up. And I keep thinking that one of these times, things are going to change. But I… things are never gonna change. I am destined to be just a friend.”

“At least you’re not pining for someone who bursts into flames and wants nothing to do with you.”

“What is wrong with us? I mean, we’re in our twenties. We should be having fun, meeting people, going on lots of dates…”

“Well, here’s to liquid courage,” Caitlin said, picking up Barry’s drink (it would do nothing for him anyway) and chugging all of it. Even though she was pretty sure after a sip that it was straight tequila with a single lime floating in it.

“Well, that is  _ very _ fast… aaand you drank all of it,” Barry said, seemingly to himself. Caitlin ignored him. She was getting _drunk_ tonight.

“Excuse me!” she said brightly, raising a finger. “I would like to  _ start a tab, _ ” she announced as the blonde bartender turned around.

Barry spun to look at her a little incredulously. Caitlin was too buzzed already to care. She nodded enthusiastically at him instead.

* * *

Barry had lost track of drunk Caitlin for one second while he tried to get some water from the asshole bartender when —

“Mr. Barry Allen! Come up here and show ‘em what you got!”

_Oh, no._

Barry spun around and saw Caitlin up on stage in her crazy-high heels.  _ Her legs look great,  _ he thought for a second, then shook his head to clear it of that thought. “Uh, no, I’m good,” he said.

“Come on!” Caitlin cajoled. “Barry! Barry!”

To Barry’s dismay, the whole crowd started chanting too.  _ Are they all drunk?  _ Barry wondered.

Ever the obliger, Barry made his way up to the stage. He could’ve sworn he saw the bartender smirking behind him.

“You know… I’m not much of a singer. And  _ you’re _ not much of a drinker,” he told her.

“We are gonna BRING THIS PLACE DOWN,” she replied.

“Okay, just… good girl,” he said, patting her on the back.  _ Oh god, why did I just do that,  _ Barry thought.  _ She’s not a dog. Just a very drunk and very pretty girl. _

_ “Summer lovin had me a blast _

_ summer lovin happened so fast,”  _ Caitlin sang…  _ very _ off-key.

Barry winced a little, then continued with his part,  _ “I met a girl crazy for me...” _

_ “Met a boy cute as can be,”  _ she sang, looking at him brightly.

_ “Summer days drifting away... to oh oh the summer nights,”  _ they harmonized. Or rather, Barry held the melody while Caitlin stumbled her way around it, hitting every note but the right one (this is why she never, ever sang unless she was very, very drunk).

And, unsurprisingly, a few minutes later, they were in the parking lot. Barry held back Caitlin’s hair as she puked her guts out.

“Sooooo are you gonna call her?” Caitlin asked, feeling a little more coherent as Barry flashed them into her apartment. She pulled off her heels, hopping on one foot.

“Who?”

“That girl who gave you her number.”

“I... hadn’t really thought about it.”

“Yes you have.” Caitlin wagged a finger at him. “But I know you. You won’t.” She reached behind her to undo her dress (why did zippers suck so much when there was no one to help you?). “You’ll let her slip right through your fingers, because you think you don’t deserve happiness.” Ahh, she had finally gotten that constricting dress off and was wriggling it down her body.

Barry looked a little panicked, raised his eyebrows, then finally turned his back to her to preserve her dignity, she supposed. She didn’t really care anyhow. Drunk Caitlin gave zero shits about who saw what.

“But what  _ you  _ don’t realize is that you need a little saving too,” Caitlin continued as she gave up on the struggle with her dress. “A little help please?” she asked, her arms falling by her sides in defeat.

Barry turned back around, carefully keeping his eyes on her face (okay, fine they may have darted down to her bra once, but only once!). “Yeah,” he said hurriedly.

He raced into her bedroom, took out the first pair of pajamas he saw in the drawers, pulled the rest of her dress off (how did girls even breathe in these things?), and dressed her in head to toe grey flannel PJ’s in the blink of an eye.

“There you go again,” she said. “Saving me from that evil dress.”

“Get in bed,” he said, as if she were five.

“Did you sneak a peek at my goods?” she asked jokingly, pointing a finger at him.

“I wouldn’t be much of a hero if I did,” he answered, pulling the comforters over her.

“Yeahhhh, but it’s okay if you peeked a little. You deserve a peek for all the good stuff that you do.” She snuggled into her pillow as Barry knelt beside her.

“Drink lots of water,” he advised, holding her hand.

“Thank you for tonight.  _ I sang _ .”

“Anytime.” Barry turned to go.

“Hey, Barry?” He turned, looking at her expectantly. “Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?”

He smiled softly, remembering the last time she had asked that. She seemed so vulnerable — it was so unlike her that he had fallen asleep right away next to her, holding her close.

It had been the best sleep he’d gotten in years. Joe hadn’t said anything about that night, though Barry suspected Joe  _ did _ realize he was gone.

“Sure, yeah,” he said, sitting back down on the bed and rubbing her leg reassuringly.

“Noooooo, silly. Lay down next to me. Otherwise, you’ll be all tired too.”

Barry complied and lay down carefully next to her. He fell asleep wondering what on earth was going on with his love life and trying to process all the feelings he was experiencing at the moment.

The last thought running through his head was a song he’d heard recently, the lyrics strangely matching the night he had:

_ I met you in the dark, you lit me up _

_ You made me feel as though I was enough _

_ We danced the night away, we drank too much. _

_ I held your hair back when _

_ You were throwing up. _

_ Then you smiled over your shoulder _

_ For a minute, I was stone-cold sober _

_ I pulled you closer to my chest. _

_ And you asked me to stay over _

_ I said, I already told ya _

_ I think that you should get some rest... _

* * *

Caitlin woke up feeling like she’d been run over by a truck. Or maybe by that train that Snart had derailed. Yes, that was probably more accurate.

Feeling a strange sense of deja vu, she rolled over and found Barry sprawled on her bed again, still fully dressed in last night’s clothes.  _ He really did stay,  _ she thought happily, then stumbled out of bed to get a very large glass of water and some Advil for her hangover.

Barry woke when Caitin got out of bed and semi-panicked.  _ Do I go home? Is that rude? Nothing happened. What if she’s embarrassed? Does my breath smell? Oh god, I probably have morning breath. It doesn’t matter. It’s not like we’re going to be kissing or anything. Wait, do I want to kiss her? Does she want to kiss me? If she did, she would’ve done so when she was drunk, right? Does last night mean anything? Maybe we should talk about it — _

“Good morning.” Caitlin’s voice interrupted his rambling thoughts.

“Heyyyy Caitlin. Good morning,” he replied. “How’re you feeling?” he asked, grinning in a way that said  _ you’re probably feeling like shit. _

“Wishing I had the ability to metabolize alcohol at a superhuman speed like you.” She groaned. “It’s gonna be rough at work today.” She paused. “Listen, Barry, I’m sorry if I was forward last night. Thank you for taking care of me. And for drinking with me. And… singing with me. Did I remember that right? Did I sing? I am  _ so sorry _ . I’m absolutely terrible at singing; that must’ve sounded worse than Hartley’s soundwaves —”

“Caitlin.” It was Barry’s turn to interrupt her rambling. “Cait, it’s okay. We’ve all been there. I’m always here to take care of you if you need it — that’s what friends are for, right?”

“Is that…” she paused to take a deep breath. “Is that all we are, Barry?”

Barry looked at her, surprised. “Did you… think we were something more?”

Caitlin shrugged. “I  _ like  _ you, Barry.” A voice in the back of her head screamed at her to stop, but she ignored it and plowed on, riding the wave of her newly found bravery. It was now or never. “I… thought I would love Ronnie forever, you know. And I think I always will love Ronnie. But I’ve moved on, I truly have. Ronnie isn’t the same man he was, and I don’t think he ever will be. I can’t spend my life hanging onto the past. Sure, I might not have much of a social life outside of work and you guys, but you guys are my friends. My family. And you, Barry… honestly, you’re unpredictable and impatient and emotional and all that scares me a lot, but you’re also kind, and caring, and funny. You know how to make me laugh and I know that you would do anything for the ones that you love.”

She finally met his eyes for the first time since she had plunged headfirst into this confession. “This is the first time I’ve admitted this to anyone, even really myself. But I know you love Iris. I know you’ll probably always love her, just like I’ll always love Ronnie. I don’t expect you to feel the same about me, not now, maybe not ever. But I wanted to let you know how I felt, because I know what it feels like to let a good thing slip through your fingers. And I know  _ you  _ know what it feels like to let a good thing slip through your fingers because of something you left unsaid. I didn’t want the same thing to happen to me.”

Barry’s green eyes were serious and focused on her. “Caitlin, I…”

“You don’t have to say anything right now. We can just forget about this and move on if you want to make it less awkward at work.”

“I just need some time to think about everything,” he finally said.

“I’ll see you at work, Barry.”

Barry sped off and all Caitlin was left with was a terrible hangover, a vulnerable heart, and a half-full glass of water.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The song Barry was thinking of was “Say You Won’t Let Go.” I don’t own the lyrics. Also this was 100% the scene that made me a forever Snowbarry shipper.


	9. the things you can't unsay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caitlin turns to Iris for advice.

**the things you can't unsay**

_Wish I could get a little un-drunk so I could un-call you_

_But some things you can't undo_

_And one of them's you_

— " _Undrunk," FLETCHER_

* * *

Caitlin hadn't hated many people in her life, but she found herself hating Linda Park a little (a lot).

If she didn't know better, she'd say she was jealous.

Oh, who was she kidding? _Of course_ she was jealous. Apparently, Barry was great at acting normal around her (he'd had some practice with Iris, she supposed) and had decided to take her (drunken) words to heart when she said he wouldn't call the girl from the bar.

Surprise, surprise. Now, instead of the Barry-hung-up-on-Iris show, she got the Barry-having-googly-eyes-over-Linda show.

She finally found herself telling Iris, of all people, what had happened. She couldn't help it — she had to tell _someone_ , and while Cisco was arguably her best friend, she didn't need him making it weird for her and Barry. And it wasn't like she could tell Dr. Wells. No, Dr. Wells would just be like, "Well, Dr. Snow, you have to consider Barry's best interests. Do you think this is in his best interest?" And look at her with those strangely piercing, knowing blue eyes.

So it was Iris that Caitlin sat down with at Jitters with a steaming cup of coffee (black, just like Oliver Queen took his, according to Iris). The other girl looked at her expectantly and more than a little curiously. _She'll make a great reporter someday,_ Caitlin thought.

"I'm so glad we finally got to hang out," Iris said brightly. "I never get much girl time. I'm around Eddie and my dad all the time, and Barry's my best friend, so it's kind of a guy's club here."

Caitlin smiled understandingly. "I know. I'm with Dr. Wells and Cisco and — erm, and that's it, so I literally have zero female friends. Maybe Felicity, but she's in Starling City. Anyway, Barry's what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Oh," Iris said. "Is he okay?"

"Yes, yes, he's fine. I — uh, can I tell you something kinda embarrassing?"

"Of course."

"Please don't tell anyone."

"I _am_ a reporter," Iris said with a smile. "Just kidding, of course I won't tell. What's up?"

"I was wondering if you… could give me some advice about Barry?"

"Hmmm…" Iris said, surveying Caitlin's expression. "You _like_ him, don't you?"

Caitlin sighed. She would really have to start working on her poker face. "Yes, I do. And I _told_ him — well, actually. Let me backtrack."

So Cailtin told Iris everything that happened that night, down to her confession of her feelings in the morning.

"And did he ever say anything to you?" Iris asked.

"No, but I get it. I made it weird and we both don't need weird right now."

"Caitlin… he's seeing someone, I think. One of the reporters at CCTV, where I work. She's —"

"Linda Park, I know. She gave him her number at the bar we were at."

Iris made a face. "You know, I don't really like her. Not just because she's wrong for Barry (even though she is), but there's something… off about her."

"I don't know her at all and I hate being the jealous type, but I know you're Barry's best friend. Do you think we'd ever have a chance? And honestly, even though he's seeing Linda, I think he still likes you."

Iris made the face again. "I always have and always will see Barry as a brother. He's not really my type. I know we've been through a lot together, and I would do anything for that guy, but he's family. I love Eddie."

Caitlin squeezed Iris's hand. "I know. You and Eddie are so good together. But you didn't answer my first question."

Pausing, Iris thought for a moment. "You know, I was really rooting for him and Felicity at the beginning. They're the same kind of adorable nerd, you know?"

Caitlin smiled in acquiescence.

"But then I saw her and Oliver Queen, who is on my _three list, by the way_. Oh, you know, the three guys I'm allowed to cheat on Eddie with? Anyways, Felicity's in love with Oliver. And he feels the same. I don't know why they aren't just dating. Maybe they are. I don't know their business."

"And then when I saw you two together, it's like you just _understand_ each other. I don't know how often you guys see each other, but it's like you speak the same language. You know, get excited about things and start speaking some scientific jargon that goes over most peoples' heads? I'd be glad that he has someone to share that with, and I'm sure he's glad too. You're serious — you balance out his impatience and his overt goofiness sometimes. And he'll make you laugh. He'll be loyal. He's the best guy I know, other than my dad and Eddie."

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that _I_ think you and Barry would be great together, but I don't know what Barry feels. Honestly, he's stopped talking to me about girls. I think he thinks it's weird."

Caitlin had been silent for this whole speech. She had completely underestimated Iris. The girl saw far more than anyone suspected. She was compassionate and caring and truly _listened._ Suddenly, Caitlin was very glad that she had confided in Iris.

"Thank you, Iris. I feel a lot better just having told you my story and having listened to your thoughts."

"Of course." Iris smiled kindly. "Anytime. I really hope that we can be friends — in fact, why don't you come over to dinner with us on Friday? It'll just be me, Eddie, my dad, and Barry. It'll give us time to hang together and give you some time with Barry too."

"Oh, I —"

"Really, Caitlin. I insist."

"Okay," Caitlin said. "Thanks for the invite. What time should I be there?"

"Six. Oh, and Caitlin? One of Eddie's friends recorded a video of Barry singing at the bar with you for shits and giggles, and I gotta say — you looked _stunning_. Barry hates singing in front of people, so the fact that he did so with you and couldn't keep his eyes off you is promising."

Caitlin blushed. "It's a flattering dress, thank you. Wait — oh god, that means you heard _me_ singing. I'm so sorry for the assault on your ears."

Iris snorted. "I'll never be able to listen to 'Summer Nights' again. Fortunately, I never really liked Grease anyway."

"It's a great movie, but I don't think I can watch it again for a while after that karaoke session."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is my dream Iris-Barry-Cait relationship — where Iris and Cait are friends (because there are NOT enough female friendships on this show; even Candice and Danielle said this during ComicCon, apparently) and Iris is firmly in the "I-support-Barry's-love-life" boat. I also do like Linda (especially as a fellow Asian!) but for the intents and purposes of this story... she and Barry can't be a thing for very long.


	10. storms of fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry and Linda take the next step in their relationship; FIRESTORM causes Team Flash to think hard about how to save them all.

**storms of fire**

_Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain_

_I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end_

_I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend_

_But I always thought that I'd see you again_

_— “Fire and Rain,” James Taylor_

* * *

Barry was having a great night.

He and Linda were really hitting it off, he finally felt like he was doing something right (he got the girl!), he felt like he could finally move on from Iris, he was finally _getting some_ and —

His phone buzzed. God. Damn. It.

As badly as he wanted to ignore it, he knew that it could be something important. When he read the message, it was just one word from Cailin: _FIRESTORM._

So he did what any twenty-five-year-old man who was a superhero by night would do — jumped off the girl he was about to have sex with and ran out the door, pulling his clothes on and throwing hers at her, all the while assuring her that this was totally normal and his reason for running off had nothing to do with her or anything sketchy.

Great.

And it happened time and time again, and Barry felt terrible for running out on Linda over and over again, but it was a man’s life, Caitlin’s ex-fiancé’s life, versus a girl he really liked.

It was _great_ to be a hero.

* * *

When Barry got that call, he was _pissed._ He had yelled at Iris for the first time in forever because she was making things unnecessarily harder for him. For once in his life, why didn’t things work out?

_“Guys like us never get the girl,”_ Oliver’s voice resounded in his head.

Barry scrubbed a hand over his face and sighed. Oliver was right, as usual. God, he hated how Oliver was always right.

* * *

“Hey, Iris, what’s up?” Caitlin was surprised that Iris called her.

“So uh… Barry might not come to dinner tonight. He’s really mad at me.”

“Mad at _you_? Why?”

“I may have kind of accidentally persuaded Linda to break things off with him.”

“You _what_?”

“It wasn’t on purpose, I swear! But apparently he had been acting weird and running off when he was with Linda, and she asked me about him kinda like you had, except she was all like, ‘Has Barry ever had a girlfriend before?’ And I told her about the whole unrequited love thing and… well. Here we are.”

“Hmmm,” was all Caitlin could say. Caitlin felt a little bad because both of those times had been _her_ texting Barry. It was for a valid reason! Ronnie/Professor Stein needed to be helped.

“So I get it if you don’t want to come to dinner tonight, since he might not be there, is what I’m trying to say.”

“No, no Iris. I’d still love to come to dinner, if you’ll have me. I’d love to get to know you all better.”

She could practically hear Iris smiling over the phone. “Great! See you tonight, Caitlin.”

“See you, Iris.”

* * *

Caitlin was tripping out. Ronnie who looked like Ronnie again but was not Ronnie but in fact Martin Stein was in S.T.A.R. Labs, and they could not for the life of them figure out how to split the two men apart.

Just when she thought life couldn’t get any more complicated. Just as she was starting to move on.

“He loves you very much,” Martin-as-Ronnie said. “That I can feel.”

“Excuse me,” Caitlin said, swallowing thickly. “Dr. Wells needs me.”

* * *

In the end, they did it. It took them a week and a very close call with Ronnie/Professor Stein almost shooting himself, but they did it.

Caitlin ran over to Ronnie’s side. “Tell me your name.”

“Ronnie Raymond.”

It was like the past year had melted away from her memory, as if they weren't lying in a barren field with ashes raining down upon them from the nuclear explosion. They kissed like they had never kissed before, a hello, a goodbye, and an _I love you_ all in one.

Barry watched with a half-smile. He was happy for Caitlin, overjoyed that Ronnie and Professor Stein were now two people, and even managed to get Linda back… but why did watching Caitlin and Ronnie kiss leave a lump in his throat and a heaviness in his heart?

Shaking off the feeling, he said into the intercom, “We’re coming home. All of us.”


	11. time moves slowly when we're not together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry is acting strangely, and Caitlin can't quite place her finger on why.

**time moves slowly when we’re not together**

_**(some things are too good to be true)** _

_I'd rather choke on my bad decisions_

_Than just carry them to my grave_

_You're in my head_

_Always, always, always._

_— “Always,” Gavin James_

* * *

_**S.T.A.R. Labs** _

Barry was acting _weird_ – Caitlin would have to be stupid not to notice it.

She wondered what it could be as she put the serum on the centrifuge. Maybe it was how she walked out on them when they were talking about investigating Tess Morgan’s death — she was unable to fathom that he would’ve killed the love of his life. It had felt like the start of a rift; Barry felt like she couldn’t trust his judgment; Caitlin felt like the usually-trusting Barry was being ungrateful to a man who had saved his life over and over again.

But Caitlin had apologized — “let’s bury the hatchet” — and Barry seemed to accept it, albeit less enthusiastically than she’d expected.

Maybe it was the fact that he had literally _never_ given her answer re: her feelings for him. Things hadn’t quite been the same since she’d made her confession the morning after she’d gotten wasted and woke up next to him, but she figured he just needed space.

Or rather… she figured he would be happier with Linda, like he seemed to be. Did she regret telling him? No. Some things were better off _said._ She’d rather face the consequences of her decisions rather than keep quiet for the rest of her life.

Deep in thought, she turned to find Barry literally _right there_ . Too close for comfort. She half ran to the other side of the room. “What are you _doing_?” she asked nervously.

“Something I think I should’ve done a long time ago,” he said, and spun her around to kiss her.

 _Is this real life?_ Caitlin thought, her eyes widening in shock. This could not be happening. Barry Allen was _kissing_ her?

She pulled away, thinking of Linda and Iris. “Barry, but —”

He pulled her right back in, and Caitlin melted into the kiss. It felt like his lips were made for hers, soft and tender, with a hint of desperation. She lost herself in it, grasping his shirt and letting herself feel —

_Beep-beep beep-beep beep-beep._

And with that, Caitlin crashed back down to reality. Iris was headed up the elevator. “Oh my god,” she said. “Look who’s here!”

“Yes. Her.” Barry said.

 _What…?_ Something was definitely off.

And when Dr. Wells tasered Barry, revealing the gun in his left hand, she could’ve slapped herself for falling for it. Everyman clearly could see that she was into Barry, and used it as a distraction.

And then there was Ronnie. Was it considered cheating if she had kissed a meta-human disguised as Barry?

 _Well, we are never speaking of that,_ she thought. But the memory would replay in her mind at night sometimes, before she fell asleep.

* * *

Caitlin was acting _weird_ — Barry would have to be stupid not to notice it.

She literally jumped a foot when he unconsciously put his hand on her shoulder, something that felt so natural, something that she never really minded (or did she?).

And when he led her out of the pipeline, hand in hand, her fingers curled almost hesitantly around his, as if she were afraid of his touch.

 _What had Hannibal Bates_ done _as him?_

But he figured Caitlin would tell him on her own time. Besides, he had his own secrets to keep.

Because when Hannibal had first changed into Caitlin, it wasn’t the fact that he had changed that shocked him into a standstill.

It was the fact that Caitlin stood there, looking at him with a pleading look in her eyes, one of… desire? Hope? Love?

It was unlike anything he had ever seen before, and something strange twisted in his heart.

Then he had gotten pepper-sprayed, and the fight began.

Even later that night, when he read the byline on the 2024 paper — _by Iris West-Allen_ — something didn’t feel right. Something beyond the big, bold headline that shouted: “The Flash Vanishes in Crisis!”

Something about seeing Iris’s name and his, something he had thought he wanted since he was eight, no longer felt like it was where the future was supposed to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: One of my FAV SnowBarry episodes... except it isn't really Barry :'(


	12. the beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caitlin gets married; things come to a breaking point against Reverse Flash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Multiple POVs coming at you this chapter. Eddie, Iris, Cait, Barry...

**the beginning**

_The lies we tell ourselves are the most dangerous ones of all._

* * *

_**24 hours until the singularity, Caitlin's apartment** _

Caitlin couldn’t stop smiling, but something felt strange in her heart. Even as Ronnie said, “I love you,” even as they kissed and he held her and she finally, _finally_ felt like home, something seemed to be _missing._

She shrugged it away. She simply wasn’t used to being happy, she told herself. Yes, that seemed logical.

* * *

_**22 hours until the singularity, Jitters rooftop** _

Barry couldn’t stop his mind from racing. Here, up on the roof, overlooking the city he loved and worked so hard to protect, he could finally feel his thoughts swirl slower and slower, until they began to still.

“I thought I might find you here,” a familiar voice interjected.

He turned to smile at Iris. She always seemed to find him when he went off in a corner (or a high place) to mull over his thoughts, even as a kid, but he never minded her presence. As she began to talk, the ever-present smile on her face never once wavering, he thought again about that byline. _Iris West-Allen._ Was that really what the future held?

“Growing up with you and Joe… being so close and knowing so much about each other made it too hard for me to admit what I felt. And I waited too long and you fell in love with Eddie.”

Iris looked at him with the same warm, kind eyes she always had. _I’ll always love you, Barry — you’re like my little brother,_ she thought.

But she was very sure that those words wouldn’t make him feel better, so she held her tongue.

“Please. Tell me what to do,” he said, reaching his arms out to her like he had when they were kids. What the two of them would give to go back to those simpler times.

“I think,” Iris said, tears streaming down her face, her heart hurting for this boy-now-man who had always had a heart too big for his own good, “That for once in your life, Barry Allen, you should do what _you_ want. Stop thinking so much about other people. Do what’s in _your_ heart.”

She held him close, hoping with all her heart that the newspaper Barry had seen would never, ever come to pass. He couldn’t vanish in a crisis, he couldn’t die that soon, she would have her happy ending with Eddie and Barry would have his with a girl he loved — a girl that wasn’t her.

* * *

_**20 hours until the singularity, S.T.A.R. Labs** _

“You are the only person in this whole story who gets to choose his own future.”

Eddie stared at Professor Stein. Honestly, he was having a truly shitty day. Joe still was deeply opposed to his engagement to Iris (he got the feeling that Joe would never, ever approve, for whatever reason), his own descendant told him that he was essentially useless and wouldn’t ever be as good as Barry Allen, he was stuck in the sterile space of S.T.A.R. Labs like a caged animal, pacing back and forth and feeling utterly useless and in the way.

Dr. Stein looked right back at Eddie. “Think about it,” the old man advised, a kindly look in his eyes.

Eddie swallowed. He’d always wanted to be _good_ , to be the hero, to please his parents, to please his boss, to protect his city and those he loved.

He’d never been afraid of the future, but suddenly, he was terrified of what it might hold. But whatever it was, however the coincidences, he was certain of one thing: he would never, ever stop fighting for Iris West.

* * *

_**10 hours until the singularity, S.T.A.R. Labs** _

Caitlin stood in a wedding dress that was slightly too big (she hadn’t quite been eating over the past few months, not really), feeling more than a little uncomfortable.

She had been so sure that Ronnie was her endgame, so certain of a future with him, so why was she having trouble breathing?

 _Just normal wedding jitters,_ she chided herself. _Totally normal._

“I owe you a real ring,” Ronnie said, his brown eyes as warm and full of laughter as ever.

“I don’t need one,” she told him honestly. It was enough to have him here, _alive_ , warm, breathing, _hers._

Right?

And as they kissed, she could hear Iris’s squeal of delight (Caitlin couldn’t wait to see her friend in a white gown of her own someday soon, kissing Eddie).

No one but Joe noticed how Barry was the last to put his hands together in a clap, his eyes shifting away from the happy couple.

Barry swallowed a lump in his throat that had absolutely nothing to do with the singularity or the impending sense of doom that crowded his mind.

It was enough that Caitlin was here, alive, happy, smiling, finally reunited with her fiance.

Right?

She was over him, over the crush she had on him, she was with the love of her life. Everything was how it was supposed to be. He was happy she was happy.

If all that was true, why did it feel like a lie? 

* * *

_**4 hours until the singularity, S.T.A.R. Labs pipeline** _

Barry thought back to that day as he stood in the pipeline, clad in his scarlet Flash suit. He hugged Caitlin first, memorizing the feel of her in his arms. He looked at Iris last, closing his eyes as she pulled his head down and kissed his forehead. “I hope whatever life you get, it makes you happy,” she said, tears streaming down her face again.

He gave her a nod. He’d try.

Iris’s words rang in his head as he watched his mother die a second time, watched the kind-of-future-yet-past him wave a warning “no” as he saved his past self. “Goodbye, my sweet boy,” Nora Allen said.

As Barry buried his face against his mother’s still chest, tears streaming down his face, he knew her loss would never hurt less. But he felt something he had never felt before — closure.

* * *

_**1 hour until the singularity, S.T.A.R. Labs** _

“Eddie!” Iris was screaming.

Barry was pressed against the wall, hood off, bleeding. And all he could hear was Iris screaming.

Eddie staggered into view, a red rose blossoming quickly on his shirt. “Eddie, _what did you do?_ ” Joe demanded, fear and concern apparent in his voice.

“There are… no such things as coincidences,” Eddie managed, falling to the ground. Iris knelt over him, her tears washing his face clean.

“Eddie, _Eddie,_ ” she was saying his name like a prayer. Hoping, _pleading_ , that he would hang onto life.

“You were wrong,” Eddie said, a smile twisting his features. “I was a hero after all.”

The man in yellow glared at his ancestor with hate.

“You’re a hero, Eddie, my hero,” Iris affirmed, running her hands over his face, through his hair, as though she could preserve his life force by pressing it back into him.

“That’s all I ever wanted.”

Barry saw the pain in Iris’s eyes, the desperation — the same look he had as he watched his mother die a few moments ago, holding her in his arms.

He wouldn’t let his family be torn apart again. Not like this. He wouldn’t let Eobard Thawne control his life, his future, his past anymore.

He remembered all the times he wanted to pummel Eddie, sure. But he also remembered the times Eddie patted his shoulder consolingly, the times Eddie pulled Barry into conversation when he felt left out, the times Eddie talked to Barry like the big brother he wished he had ( _you’re_ The Flash, Eddie had said. _You can do anything._ ), how _happy_ Eddie made Iris…

Barry saw Eobard Thawne’s image wavering, as if he were fighting to stay in existence. As Eddie was fighting to hold onto life (as much as he wanted to let go).

“Not this time!” Barry vibrated his hand fast, faster, almost to the point of invisibility, and plunged it into Eobard’s chest, just like Cisco had described the fake-Wells doing to him.

With a scream, Eobard collapsed on the ground.

Dead.

Barry scooped Eddie up in his arms. “I’m getting him to the hospital! Take care of Eobard; Joe, bring Iris and meet us there. I won’t let him die.” He didn't have time to process that _he had just killed another man for the first time._

As soon as he got there, got Eddie into trauma surgery, he ran back to S.T.A.R. Labs, Caitlin’s voice in his ear. “Barry, the singularity’s still there. We need you.”

That would be the hope that drove him into the black hole, running as fast as he could. The hope that he had saved Eddie, would save the city, could save all the people he loved...

**tbc.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has been allll drafted out (32 chapters!!). Happy Father's Day :)


	13. darkness & light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team Flash faces the aftermath of the singularity.

**darkness & light**

_Fire and the ice colliding_

_I wanna go deep and dive in_

_It's heaven on Earth but hell of a night_

_— “Darkness and Light,” John Legend_

* * *

Barry had saved them all…

All except Ronnie.

He couldn’t look at Caitlin after that. He couldn’t work with her, couldn’t face her, couldn’t face his guilt. He had saved Eddie, he had saved Central City, but he couldn’t save her fiance.

Once again, she was left with the short end of the stick. And he knew that Ronnie/Martin had separated in the center of the singularity to save him, to save them all. Ronnie had done what he couldn’t — keep everyone he loved _safe_.

Barry couldn’t sleep at night, didn’t taste his food, only functioned enough to keep himself alive and ready to do his job. He pretended he didn’t hear the concern in Joe’s voice or the worry in Iris’s eyes or the understanding in Eddie’s. He pretended that he was okay because who was he to put more of a burden on those he loved by sharing the brunt of his pain?

He never admitted that he saw Caitlin before he fell into fitful sleep sometimes at night, remembered the feeling of cradling her in his arms as he whispered a fervent, "I'm sorry," against her hair, inhaling her warm vanilla shampoo and knowing that no words he could say would ever bring Ronnie back into her arms, but being able to do nothing but what he was doing right now — giving her the comfort of his touch.

It'd been so long since he'd even hugged anyone. He'd stayed away from hugs since that one with Caitlin.

Sometimes he wondered if he was a little bit depressed.

But he was Barry Allen, _the Flash,_ and he had things to do. People to save. A _city_ to save.

So he rebuilt the city by night and worked overtime as a CSI by day. He saved people anytime the monitor beeped, in a flash. He slept in the med bay at S.T.A.R. Labs or in his office more often than he’d like to admit. Joe pretended not to notice. Barry had stopped listening to his gentle chiding to come sleep in his own bed, after all.

 _Maybe,_ Barry thought, _maybe if I do enough for this city, I can make up for what I’ve done. The lives that have been lost._

He wasn’t too sure about it. But he kept trying.

* * *

**_West household_ **

“Honey, I’m really worried about Bar,” Joe said as they all sat at the worn kitchen table, sipping steaming hot mugs of hot cocoa. It was their meeting place now that CC Jitters was under construction.

Iris looked at her dad, tearing up. “I’m really worried about him too,” she said. “I’ve been talking to him and he just gets this lost, haunted look in his eyes. Like he’s reliving the day of the singularity. And he gets all quiet and nothing I can say can make it better.” A tear dripped down her face; Eddie clasped her hand tighter in comfort.

“Joe, if I may,” he said softly, his bright blue eyes shining earnestly, wisely.

His future father-in-law looked at him kindly. It seemed that a near-death experience and his willing sacrifice to save Iris and the rest of the city did wonders for the man’s approval of him. “Of course, Eddie.”

“Barry feels guilty for what happened. I think it’s Ronnie — he can’t bear to look at or speak to his old team. But he _needs_ them. The three of them — Barry, Caitlin, Cisco — they work. They were always there to support him as the Flash, from the beginning… and as a friend.”

It was Iris’s turn to squeeze Eddie’s hand. “Barry has nothing to feel guilty for. It’s not his fault.”

Joe nodded. “I know. He didn’t even want to go to Flash Day. He’s always felt the burden of guilt, ever since Nora died…”

Iris’s eyes lit up. “Let me handle this,” she said. “I know someone who can help.

* * *

_**Mercury Labs** _

It was another regular Monday for Caitlin. She’d woken up at 6am on the dot, ran six miles, showered in ice cold water, made herself a steaming hot cup of coffee (she’d gotten into the habit of that, since Jitters was closed), dressed in her Monday black pencil skirt and red blouse, did her makeup, and drove to Mercury Labs.

Like clockwork.

Her routine allowed her the peace of not thinking. She was on autopilot — no decisions needed to be made. Everything was set, certain, clean, ordinary. No superheroes flashing from place to place, no hopeful green eyes and wide smiles, no inviting brown eyes and soft lips, no fiery bodies and near-death experiences. No deaths.

She buried herself in her work, thinking that it would assuage her guilt.

Because it had been six months since Ronnie died, again, and this time, it felt far, far different.

The first time, she’d cut everyone off. Nearly bitten Cisco’s head off when he tried to offer comfort. Dr. Wells was the only one who understood the pain of losing a significant other, and he had saved her with the job — the job of taking care of a comatose Barry Allen. Sometimes she had thought Dr. Wells understood her better than anyone else, and the betrayal of knowing that he was _fake,_ an imposter from the future who had fooled them all, stung all the more because of it.

Because it wasn't Dr. Wells, genius scientist and philanthropist, who had saved her life. It was a psycho speedster known as Eobard Thawne, who quite literally ruined all of their lives.

She hadn’t been able to go into the pipeline, hadn’t been able to confront memories of that day or even of Ronnie, hadn’t touched any of his things in her apartment, too embittered by the injustice of losing her beloved.

This time?

This time, Cisco hadn’t tried to reach out. He’d learned. This time, there was no Dr. Wells (fake or otherwise) to save her and give her the purpose of saving and looking after another human being. This time, she had already been in the process of moving her own things around to make space for Ronnie.

This time, there was Barry Allen. But he had disappeared, much like she had, cutting everyone off. She knew he still ran about the city, keeping it safe, acting as the Flash. She'd even followed him along in the news (Iris was still writing about him, and her blog had positively _blown up_ ). But even in the pictures that had been "captured" (she suspected Iris had cajoled Barry into taking a few "selfies" for her), she could see the tiredness etched into his face. She didn't need to see his face under the mask to know that there were dark shadows bruising his undereyes; didn't need to zoom in to see the wrinkles lining his mouth. It was in the way he carried himself, in the way she knew her own face must look after six months of their team being shattered.

Caitlin knew she loved Ronnie — she always would. He made her feel safe and warm and loved. He was innately _good_ , a protector. A hero.

But so much had changed since the particle accelerator exploded. She had picked the pieces of her broken self up and put them back together; she had begun to heal. Slowly, she had packed Ronnie’s things up into cardboard boxes, neatly taped and labeled with Sharpie, and donated them to Goodwill. She had begun to laugh and smile and become familiar with human touch again. She’d gotten wasted and sang karaoke with Barry Allen, for god’s sake,

Caitlin had begun to get over Ronnie. She had changed. And she had begun to fall in love with Barry Allen.

That made her feel guiltier than almost anything else. If she had truly loved Ronnie, she would’ve left with him when he asked. She would’ve left Barry Allen behind. And they would be on their honeymoon now, on some tropical island, drinking Mai Tai’s and having sex all day.

But no. She couldn’t leave Barry ( _I need to help him save lives,_ she justified to both herself and to Ronnie).

And here she was, sipping on her now lukewarm coffee and absent-mindedly running tests, doing work that was not at all challenging and not at all important. A cog in the giant corporate machine. Something she'd promised herself she'd never be.

 _Ring. Ring. Ring._ Caitlin’s thoughts were interrupted by a call — something she didn’t think she had gotten in six months.

 _Who the — ?_ she wondered. Her heart jumped a little. Maybe it was Barry?

Iris’s smiling face flashed on her screen instead. Strange.

Still, Caitlin felt bad for not staying in touch with Iris. She was glad Eddie was alive, glad that Iris had her happy ending. She hoped she was still invited to the wedding, whenever that was. The two women had become closer and closer friends throughout the last year, barring the past six months. They were drawn together by three things: their strength as women, their big hearts, and their love for Barry Allen.

“Hi Iris,” Caitlin answered, trying to sound brighter than she usually did. _Like my old self,_ she thought.

“Hey Caitlin! How are you?” Caitlin could hear the ever-present smile in Iris’s voice.

“I’m… well, I’m okay. Life is going.” It had always been hard to lie to Iris. It felt wrong somehow; the woman was a born journalist.

“I’m sorry for your loss, Caitlin,” Iris said softly. “I didn’t know Ronnie well, but he was a hero. He died protecting you and this city, and we will never forget that.”

“Thank you, Iris.”

“I…” the other girl sounded a little uncertain – the first time Caitlin had ever heard her like that.

“Yes?” she tried to sound inviting. It felt foreign. She hadn’t really spoken to anyone other than her co-workers in months, and that was only when necessary.

“I’m worried about Barry, Caitlin,” Iris finally said, after a long pause. “He’s been sleeping in his office or at S.T.A.R. Labs, and even so, I don’t think he’s really sleeping. He’s been _rebuilding small businesses at night_ , like some construction vigilante, in between acting as the Flash and a full-time CSI. I know he’s a meta-human, but I’m so scared he’s going to work himself to death.”

Iris took a shuddering breath. “And I think… I think he’s in a really bad mental state. I saw him like this after his mom died. He gets really quiet and his eyes go blank. They’re haunted, like he’s seeing things we can’t even begin to imagine, things that cause him a lot of pain. But he won’t talk to anyone about it, not me, not our dad.”

Her voice steadied. “Caitlin, we’re really worried about him. And… I know Barry feels guilty, and I know that that’s because Ronnie died instead of him. I’m sorry for what happened to Ronnie — I really am — but I think Barry needs to hear from you that it’s okay. Can you forgive him?”

Caitlin stood in shock, her mouth forming a surprised _oh_.

“Caitlin? Are you still there?”

“Y-yes, I’m here.” Caitlin took a deep breath. “Honestly, I never blamed Barry. It’s not his fault Ronnie died. I know he did the best he could. Plus, Ronnie was a grown man, and he made his own decisions. He knew the risks, and…” her voice broke a little, “...and he’s always been so good. A hero. It’s not the first time he sacrificed himself to save me.”

She sniffled. “But I never, _ever_ blamed Barry.”

“Could you… could you tell Barry that?”

“I honestly thought he didn’t want to see _me_.”

“He never says anything, but I know he misses you every day. And Cisco. It’s lonely, being all by himself. And Dad and Eddie and I — we try, but we don’t _get it_ the way you guys do. You guys were — are — a team.”

Caitlin found a watery smile on her face. “You always know what to say, Iris.”

“I try.” Caitlin could feel her friend’s smile over the phone and it made her feel a tiny bit better.

“Hey — so… maybe dinner again, just like old times?” Iris asked.

“Sure, I’d love to,” Caitlin said.

As they hung up, she felt something new. Something she hadn’t felt in six months — hope.

* * *

_**Flash Day Rally** _

Caitlin went to the rally — quietly — despite herself, and watched with bated breath like the rest of the city, waiting for him to show up and accept the key to the city. She held her breath as the meta injured him, wincing and hoping he was okay.

And so when Cisco came to ask for her help, she was unsurprised and didn’t put up much of a fight.

She hoped this would help them. Help Barry.

She didn’t know that even with her help, Barry didn’t listen to any of his friends. “We really do need Caitlin,” Iris and Cisco said at the same time as Barry flashed away, leaving his comms on the desk behind him. “He listens to her.”

* * *

_**S.T.A.R. Labs / Mercury Labs** _

Barry woke in the med bay with a start — a little disappointed to see Joe instead of Caitlin. He’d become so used to seeing her face first thing when he came to. He’d never forget the first time, when he came out of his lightning-induced coma with the sound of “Poker Face” blaring through the speakers, Caitlin pushing a pee cup at him, and he was _blabbering about his new abs_ , out of all things. How embarrassing.

It was with that thought that he realized — this wouldn’t work without Caitlin. It was time to say “I’m sorry” to her face.

And so he made his way to Mercury Labs, unsurprised that she was still there at the late hour (she was as much of a workaholic as he was, especially when faced with difficult emotions). He stood there for a second, watching her in her white lab coat and bright red shirt, absolutely absorbed in her work.

He watched as she paused, seeming to sense another presence in the room. She saw him and gave him a smile. “What’re you doing here?”

“Sorry..” he started. “I should’ve called… or something…” he trailed off. _Not a good way to start, Barry,_ he thought.

“It’s been awhile.”

“Yeah, Cisco said that he saw you at the Flash Day celebration,” he said, looking down. Unable to meet her eyes just yet.

He finally looked up. “I was surprised. You better than anyone know that I wasn’t the hero that day.”

“Of course you were.”

“No.” Barry shook his head adamantly and looked down again.

He sighed. “Cait, Ronnie died saving me. I should’ve saved him. I’m so sorry.”

“Barry, I know that you did everything you could.” Her gaze was direct. Understanding. Kind. Empathetic. Just as he remembered.

He couldn’t meet it.

“It wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you for Ronnie’s death. I blame myself.”

“Why?”

And so she told him. She told him about the guilt that had been heavy on her chest all this time, tears pouring down her face.

All this time, no one had seen her cry. Until now.

He, always the gentleman, pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and handed it to her.

“You carry a handkerchief now? What’re you, eighty?” she joked. _How is it possible that she felt lighter already?_

He gave a little laugh as an object clattered to the floor.

“What’s that?” she asked, her innate curiosity getting the better of her.

“Ah… it’s uh.. Apparently Wells had some kind of living will. And I… I have to watch it but…”

“And you haven’t watched it yet?”

“No, I’ve been too afraid,” he admitted, his green eyes vulnerable.

“What if we watched it together?”

Barry nodded, thinking of a time not too long ago when their roles were reversed, when he held her hand as she went down into the pipeline for the first time since Ronnie’s death.

There was darkness and there was light, but they were always there together.

They watched the video, shock, disbelief, and finally hope registering on their faces almost simultaneously.

As Barry called Joe, rubbing the back of his head in such a familiar way that Caitlin’s heart _ached_ because she had missed him so much, she thought that maybe… maybe she could face S.T.A.R. Labs again. For him.

He ended the call and looked at her, his green eyes mirroring the feelings in her brown ones.

“I’ll drive,” she said.

Darkness would never prevail as long as there was light. As long as there was hope. As long as they had each other.

* * *

_Darkness and light, streaming_

_The end of our life beginning_

_No longer alone, my will become gone._

_— “Darkness and Light,” John Legend_


	14. some things are more important than speed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team Flash meets Jay Garrick — but not everyone's a fan. Barry-centered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where things start to divert from canon (other than… well, Eddie obviously being alive).

**some things are more important than speed**

_ I don't like the way he's looking at you  
_ _ I'm starting to think you want him too  
_ _ Am I crazy? Have I lost ya? _

_ — “Jealous,” Nick Jonas _

* * *

There was something about Jay Garrick that Barry definitely did  _ not  _ trust.

It wasn’t his talk about Zoom or another earth (I mean, if Barry could get super-speed from getting struck by lightning, anything could happen). It wasn’t even that Jay called him “kid” — there was no way the guy was that much older than him, even if he  _ did _ look like a middle-aged banking asshole.

No, it was the complete and utter lack of emotion in his eyes.

Barry had always trusted his gut. He trusted most people, but the ones he didn’t, he was sure he had good reason not to.

But somehow, Jay had won over the team, one by one. His science-talk with Caitin, his naming of metahumans that made Cisco smile, his muscles that had Iris looking twice (though _ I only have eyes for my fiance, of course,  _ she protested). Stein remained polite and Joe was always suspicious, but Barry… Barry seemed to be the only one who actively disliked the man.

Maybe it was the way he hovered around Caitlin, looking at her a beat too long and always finding a way to get the two of them together privately.

One day, when he was feeling particularly annoyed at Jay, Iris startled him out of his thoughts. “You  _ really  _ do not like him, huh?” she said. “Why?”

He could hear the perpetual curiosity in her voice and smiled a little despite himself.

“I don’t trust him.”

“He’s proven that we can trust him, Bar.”

“I… something just doesn’t feel right. I think he’s been lying to us all along.”

“What has happened to you?”

“Wha-  _ me? _ ”

“Yes, you. The you that I grew up with. The you that’s my best friend.”

It felt like the whole world was turning against him. First Caitlin was spending more time with Jay, now Iris was saying she didn’t have his back?

“A lot’s changed, Iris.”

“Yeah, it has. What is it about Jay that you don’t like?”

Barry was quiet. “I…” His eyes cut over to the med bay, where Jay was shirtless and Caitlin was tending him.  _ What injuries does he even have?  _ Barry thought with more than a little annoyance.

Iris suddenly broke out in a wide smile, looking like his best friend again. (She scared Barry a little — maybe more than a little — when she was mad). “Bar. You’re  _ jealous.  _ Because he’s all over Caitlin!”

“Wha — no no no. Of course not. Wh- why would I be jealous? Heh.” Barry ran his hand over the back of his head.

“ _ Right.  _ Bar, it’s okay to tell her you like her. Honestly… maybe she likes you too,” his best friend said with a wink.

Barry looked at her, green eyes narrowed. “What makes you say that?”

“Nooooothing,” Iris said coolly. “Just woman’s intuition.”

“Hmmm…” was all Barry said for a long while. “Iris,” he finally spoke up again, clearing his throat. “I think I did something bad. She told me she liked me, and I…”

“And you got with Linda Park and never responded to Caitlin’s feelings.”

“How did you  _ know _ ? And don’t say it’s woman’s intuition again. You’re very intuitive, but you’re not a mind reader.”

“She told me. Caitlin and I are friends, you know.”

“Huh. I actually didn’t know that.”

“Anyway. If  _ that’s _ your reason for disliking Jay, that’s valid. I know a lot has changed, but you two still seem close. And for what it’s worth, I still think you should tell Caitlin…” Iris’s eyes softened. “Before it’s too late again.”

Barry turned away, scrubbing his hand over his face. Great.

* * *

“Hey Eddie,” Barry said.

Eddie sounded a little surprised but as polite as ever. “Hey, Bar. What’s up?”

“Okay, this is a little awkward to ask. But… I kinda sorta need girl advice.”

“This… isn’t about Iris, is it?”

“Ha, no. I realized that I’ll always love Iris —” he could hear Eddie’s sharp intake of breath “— but it’s changed. You guys belong together. And she’s my best friend. I think we were always meant to be best friends, but she was the only girl in my life for so long that I kind of just attached to her… but I realize now that it was almost like an obsession. Now, she’s like my sister. There’s… there’s someone else.”

There was almost palpable relief in Eddie’s voice when he said, “Wow, Barry. Thanks for opening up to me.”

Barry was surprised that Eddie thought so highly of Barry’s feelings (or worried about Barry’s feelings) but plunged on. “Anyways, there’s this other guy. And I can’t tell if he’s trying to move in on her or —”

“Is it Caitlin?”

“Uh — what?”

“Is the girl Caitlin?”

“What makes you say that?” Barry laughed nervously.

“You look at her the same way you used to look at Iris.”

“I — oh. Okay, okay. Yeah, honestly the guy has muscles almost as big as you. What is it with you buff blonde guys?”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“But my point is, I don’t trust him. And not just because he’s all over Caitlin, but because there’s something just… off about him.”

“Hmm. What does Joe think?”

“Joe’s suspicious of everyone, you know that.”

“Hah. That he is. He —” Eddie paused. “Does he have long blonde hair, light eyes, about six feet tall, wearing a S.T.A.R. Labs sweatshirt that looks like it’s a few sizes too small?”

_ Why does everyone say that?  _ Barry wondered. “How do you know?”

“Because he just walked into the precinct. And Barry… I’m with you. There’s something strange about that guy. Something… Barry. I used to work on a lot of serial killer cases, and this guy would fit right in. Be careful. Don’t let him get too close to you… or Caitlin. She could be in danger.”

“Alright. Thanks, Eddie.”

“I’ll do some digging. Bye, Bar.”

Barry hung up, feeling a little justified in his feelings, but also realizing he never got around to asking Eddie how to get the girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a Snowbarry fic, but in honor of #blacklivesmatter, I wanted to honor Iris and Joe. Especially Iris for being a badass woman who fought up the ranks of journalists to get a seat at the table of old, white, privileged men. For Joe who is a strong father who is there for his kids, breaking the stereotype of an absentee African American father.


	15. no monkey business

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry is confined to a wheelchair. Grodd returns.

**no monkey business**

_Look what you doing, look what you done  
_ _But in this jungle you can't run  
_ _'Cause what I got for you  
_ _I promise is a killer, you'll be banging on my chest  
_ _Bang bang, gorilla_

_— “Gorilla,” Bruno Mars_

* * *

_**S.T.A.R. Labs, med bay.** _

It all happened too fast, even for a speedster. Zoom was onto them like a thunderstorm, looming ominously in the distance. No matter what Team Flash threw at him, he always seemed to prevail.

And he always seemed to get the upper hand on Barry.

There was no time to even think of telling Caitlin how he felt; instead, his life became a living-breathing-unending spiral of _how do I defeat this villain and protect the ones I love?_

Dr. Wells from Earth-2 had appeared, and no one wanted to trust the guy. But something in Barry did. Despite the fact that he looked like the man who had betrayed them all, Barry's instincts said that this man was different.

His old ex Linda Park became a close ally, but that all stopped when he put her in danger and —

— and Barry woke up with a start, Caitlin’s concerned brown eyes hovering in his field of vision.

“You’re awake,” she said softly.

“How bad is it?” he asked.

She bit her lower lip. “Bad.”

“And Linda?”

“She’s okay. With some friends in Coast City,” Cisco said, patting Barry’s leg.

Barry watched him do it, as if in slow motion. He didn’t feel it.

Holy shit. He sat up. _He couldn’t feel it._

“Guys. Guys. I can’t feel my legs,” he said, his heart rate starting to rise uncontrollably. “ _I can’t feel my legs._ ”

Caitlin didn’t say anything, but he could see that even she was freaking out.

* * *

_**S.T.A.R. Labs, Cortex.** _

Barry had never felt so helpless in his life.

If he thought he was helpless without his speed, try being in a goddamn wheelchair. Even worse, it was the fake Dr. Well’s old wheelchair.

Talk about a shitty situation. Everything always seemed to be falling apart, and —

“Did Caitlin just come through here?” Cisco strode angrily into the room.

“No.” Barry shook his head. _I wish._

“She just _hit me in the face and walked away!_ ” If Cisco didn’t look so serious and if Barry weren’t so down, he might’ve laughed.

“YO!” Joe ran into the room. “Grodd!”

They all looked at each other. “Caitlin was being mind-controlled,” Cisco said, as they watched Caitlin, then the giant gorilla, walk out on the computer screens.

Barry got up out of his wheelchair and grabbed his stupid cane, sighing with frustration. _This can’t be happening._

“Barry. Barry.” Joe’s voice interrupted his spiraling thoughts. “You can’t blame yourself for this.”

_Too late._

“I still don’t have my speed,” Barry said. “How can I save her?”

“You may not have your speed, but you still got your brain. Use it. Help us figure it out.” Joe walked away, with a final reassuring look at his foster-son.

“Where are you?” Barry murmured softly to the air.

* * *

_**Grodd's lair.** _

Caitlin hated feeling helpless.

Why was it that she was always the one getting kidnapped? First Snart, now Grodd…

And on top of all the Zoom-related fiascos going on and Barry still recovering. She needed to be by his side, needed to watch him, needed to be there for him.

At least she wasn’t chained and on the verge of being tortured, but on the other hand, she was very sure Grodd wasn’t simply going to just let her go.

“Barry,” she whispered, wishing that somehow he could hear her. In the confined dark, she held onto the thought of him, the innocent peace on his face when he was sleeping, the way he held back her hair when she had been throwing up, the way he could make her laugh like no one else.

 _The way he never responded to your confession of your feelings,_ the traitorous voice in the back of her head said.

She shoved it away. It had been a crush, she told herself adamantly. It had been a crush, she loved Ronnie, maybe she still liked Barry now but they literally had another crazy speedster-slash-killer on the loose.

 _The way his lips felt on yours. That even when you knew deep inside that it wasn’t really Barry, you still melted into that kiss,_ the voice in her head piped up.

“God, you just really won’t shut up,” she muttered to herself. Deciding to shove _all_ thoughts of Barry aside, even if they gave her comfort, she cleared her mind like the meditation teachers had taught her to do back when she was younger and dealing with anxiety, and drifted off to sleep.

“Go!” Harry shouted as he stabbed Grodd with the syringes. But Caitlin lingered in the doorway, staring at the massive gorilla.

It wasn’t his fault, really. He just wanted to understand how he came to be. And he was never taught love or patience or kindness. He didn’t remember a mother. He only had Eobard Thawne and Eiling doing experiments on him.

Monsters weren’t born. They were created.

Cisco pulled her away, and as Caitlin ran, she threw a last look at the gorilla as he thudded down on the floor with a loud _bang._

After a long shower (thank goodness for S.T.A.R. Labs’s bathrooms and no longer smelling like a primate), she cleaned and sutured HR’S wound.

“Thank you,” he said, his sharp blue eyes seeming to bore into her soul.

“Thank _you_ for rescuing me,” she said with a smile.

“Well, we’re a team, right?” Caitlin’s smile widened and she felt her heart warm toward this man — the man that looked just like the renowned scientist who had given her life back, the man who had traversed to another earth to save his daughter, the man who had inconceivably become part of their ragtag team. _This is how it was supposed to be,_ she thought. _This is the Dr. Wells we should’ve had._

“I’m impressed.” Barry’s soft voice cut through her thoughts. “I think we all are.” His voice was a comfort to her, the familiarity in its cadence putting her mind to ease.

“Yeah, well we need to do something about Grodd,” Joe said.

“Like what?” Caitlin asked.

“We need to get rid of him for good.”

Caitlin stopped in the middle of throwing away her latex gloves. “You want to kill him?” she said incredulously.

“This isn’t Grodd’s _fault._ He’s only like this because Wells made him this way.”

“Yes, but Cait — he kidnapped you and you would’ve died,” Barry said, turning to face her. Concern was etched in every line on his face and rang clear in his voice.

But even the familiar moniker coming from his lips didn’t sway her. “You didn’t see what I saw. Grodd’s getting smarter. He’s… lonely and sad.”

Caitlin had a soft spot for the gorilla she’d taken care of for so long, but more than that… she understood what it felt like to be isolated. To be terrified. To be sad and alone. “He wants more apes like him,” she finished.

It was Cisco’s turn to chime in. “You mean he wants kids? Because I’m pretty sure one telepathic great ape is enough for this city.”

Once again, Harry came in to save the day. She was grateful that he found an alternative to killing Grodd, and she suspected he knew exactly what she was feeling. The man was more perceptive than anyone realized.

* * *

_**Central City.** _

Barry had agreed to being the bait, but he did _not_ agree to Caitlin being the pre-bait. But the rest of the team had agreed that Grodd would only listen to Caitlin, and Caitlin herself insisted, so Barry had finally begrudgingly acquiesced.

His speed couldn’t fail him today, not when Caitlin’s life was at stake again.

And as he lay on the ground, with Grodd’s huge foot slowly crushing his windpipes, he felt again the enormity of failure, of not being good enough, of not being able to save those he loved.

“Grodd!” a familiar voice shouted.

“No no no no no,” Barry gasped, turning his head to see Caitlin striding into view. _She can’t be here she’s supposed to be safe Grodd can’t take her again I promised myself I’d keep her safe we all promised I can’t let Caitlin die to save me I can’t let anyone die to save me again —_

“The Flash isn’t your enemy. We didn’t understand what you wanted, but now we do. And we want to help. You just have to trust me,” Caitlin said reassuringly, her eyes pleading. The sincerity was apparent in her voice; Barry just hoped that Grodd could hear it too.

The pressure on his chest subsided as Grodd lifted his foot off. Barry scrambled to his feet, seeing Caitlin standing in the middle of the breach circle. He couldn’t fail. He took a deep breath, and as Cisco flipped the switch, he sped toward Caitlin and whisked her to safety. They stood and watched the blue light expand, expand, expand… but it wasn’t enough.

They all stared in horror as Grodd took one struggling step, then another, as if moving through cement.

“Barry, you cannot let Grodd go free,” Henry said, his belief in his son reverberating through his voice. Barry swallowed and nodded, speeding off for a super punch.

Henry knew that his son, like him, would always do what it took to keep those he loved safe. He didn’t know Dr. Snow well, having met her for the first time today, but he could see the connection the two had. He knew Barry would, and _could_ , keep Grodd away from her forever.

As Grodd flew through the breach, Henry cheered and hugged Joe, Iris beaming excitedly at the computer monitor between them.

 _This is what family feels like,_ Henry thought. _And I am so glad Barry has them._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is truly insane the number of times Caitlin gets kidnapped throughout this show.


	16. say you won't let go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry and Oliver have a heart-to-heart; Caitlin and Harry have a revelation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took the liberty of rearranging the timeline from canon a bit :) Happy 4th!

**say you won’t let go**

_I wanna live with you  
_ _Even when we're ghosts  
_ _'Cause you were always there for me when I needed you most  
_ _Say you won’t let go_

_— “Say You Won’t Let Go,” James Arthur_

* * *

_**Star City, Oliver's home.** _

“Ollie, didn’t you tell me that guys like us didn’t get the girl?”

“Yep,” Oliver said. “I was wrong.” He strode off with… was that a _smile_ Barry caught on Oliver Queen’s face?

As a smile broke over Barry’s face as well, he thought about his friend’s words. “Being with Felicity has given me a real sense of peace.”

And even in the midst of everything crazy going on, the only moments when time seemed to slow down was with Caitlin.

Barry found himself thinking of the second half the song that played in his mind the first night he slept over at Caitlin’s after karaoke:

_I knew I loved you then  
_ _But you'd never know  
_ _'Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go  
_ _I know I needed you  
_ _But I never showed_

_But I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old  
_ _Just say you won't let go_

_I'll wake you up with some breakfast in bed  
_ _I'll bring you coffee with a kiss on your head  
_ _And I'll take the kids to school  
_ _Wave them goodbye  
_ _And I'll thank my lucky stars for that night_

If only he’d said what he felt. If only he spent time facing his feelings instead of doing what he did best — running.

“I’d like to propose a toast,” Oliver said, and Barry turned to face his extended “family,” wondering what Caitlin was up to back in Central City.

* * *

_**S.T.A.R. Labs.** _

“It’s really sweet of you, protecting Barry,” Caitlin said, looking up at Jay.

“Barry’s not the only one I’m protecting,” he said, his blue eyes seeming to bore into her soul. And as he bent down, his lips making a beeline for hers, she backed away hurriedly.

“What’re you _doing,_ Jay?” she asked, laughing nervously.

“What I should’ve done a long time ago,” he said.

The words sounded familiar — just like Hannibal Bates had said when he had kissed her as Barry. She continued to back away until her back hit the wall. She never took Jay as the type of guy to give her the creeps, but she was getting definite creepy vibes from him.

There was something about his eyes that unnerved her. They were flat and determined. Almost smug.

“I… I don’t see you that way, Jay,” she managed. _I have to get out,_ she thought, panic rising in her throat.

“Maybe not yet. But you will.”

“I don’t think so.” Her voice managed not to waver. Caitlin was proud of that.

“I think you’re wrong.” He was inching closer, stalking her like a predator about to pounce on his prey. He seemed to enjoy toying with her, watching her squirm.

“I —”

He was inches away from her now, his back solidly blocking the doorway and any chance of escape.

“I think it’s time you stopped mooning over Barry Allen. You don’t mean anything to him anyway. He only has eyes for Iris West, and the rest of you are just there to help him out as the Flash. Nothing else matters to him. Why don’t you see that?”

Caitlin swallowed.

“You deserve someone who will care for you more than Barry ever would. He’s _w —_ ”

She never did find out what Barry was, because Jay crumpled to the ground. She looked up to see Harry in the doorway, a taser gun in his hand. “Seemed like you needed some help,” he said.

“Where did you get that?” she gasped. It was the same taser gun that the fake Dr. Wells had used on fake Barry.

“Found it. Seems like it came in handy. Are you okay, Snow?” Harry asked.

“Yeah… that was really weird though. What should we —”

But Jay was already getting up and running out of the room.

“— do about him,” she finished.

Harry’s clear blue eyes narrowed. “Something’s not quite right about this Jay Garrick,” he said.

* * *

“What did we miss?” Barry asked, striding into the room. “ _We_ found out that Kendra has wings and that an Immortal is coming after her so…”

“We found out who Zoom is,” Caitlin and Harry said in unison.

Barry and Cisco’s jaws dropped simultaneously.


	17. third time's the charm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoom gives Barry an ultimatum.

**third time's the charm**

_ Do you believe in destiny? _

_ — Iris, to Caitlin _

* * *

Team Flash, being Team Flash, cobbled together a plan.

And so Barry was here, getting all up in Hunter Zoloman’s face. Relishing it maybe a little bit too much. Knowing that his mistrust, his anger, was justified. That this man had killed so many just to save himself.

_ Eddie was right,  _ he thought. He’d have to give Eddie props for that one.

But once again, they all underestimated Zoom, and he got the best of them.

This was the guilt Barry carried with him as he read the message scrawled on Joe’s wall:  _ Your speed for Wally. _

* * *

_**S.T.A.R. Labs** _

“I’m glad we could catch up,” Iris said, smiling widely at Caitlin.

“I know. It seems like we’re always running one place or another. Maybe not  _ literally,  _ Barry does all the running, but you know what I mean,” Caitlin replied, giving the other girl a smile of her own.

“I know. I’ve been thinking — has Barry said anything to you lately?”

“Hmmm? No, what would he say?”

“Well,” Iris grinned mischievously, “He  _ was _ quite jealous of Jay — Bar thought you were into him.”

“Wha —?” Caitlin simply shook her head.

“Do you still have feelings for Barry?” Iris asked, point-blank.

“I…” Caitlin swallowed.  _ I think I love him. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. But I’m afraid that like everyone else I’ve truly loved, he’ll get ripped away from me. I’m afraid that one of these times, he’ll never come back. That he’ll die protecting the city… or worse, me. I have no idea how he feels. I can read everyone so well, but Barry remains a mystery. I don’t know if he’s in love with  _ **_you,_ ** _ Iris. I don’t know anything. _

“I do,” Caitlin answered simply, contrary to her inner monologue.

“Do you believe in destiny?”

Caitlin simply looked at her. “I do. For you… I don’t think it was a coincidence that you and Eddie met and fell in love. I think that was meant to be. And Eddie shooting Eobard Thawne? That was Eddie changing his destiny, and changing all of our destinies too.”

“But what about for yourself?”

“I’ve never thought much about my destiny. I’m a scientist, after all.”

“So is Barry. But my point is — I think destiny brings people together, but I believe that  _ you  _ have to make the choices to get you there. It can bring you together time and time again, but if you don’t act upon it, you’ll always be missing each other.” She looked meaningfully at Caitlin.

“But what about the byline on the article in the Time Vault?”

“Iris West-Allen?” Iris asked. “I’ve never thought I was a hyphenator. Have you ever thought that it was Earth-2 Iris who wrote it? After all, she’s married to that earth’s Barry Allen.”

“So you don’t have any feelings for Barry, at all?”

“Caitlin,” Iris smiled kindly. “Barry has been, and always will be, like my little brother. I  _ love _ Eddie; we’re getting married. And I’ll be Iris Thawne soon. Speaking of which, I still need to go through my wedding binder and send you all invites.” She paused. “Plus, I see the way Bar looks at you. My dad sees the way Bar looks at you. Hell, even Henry said something, and he was here for 0.2 seconds.”

Caitlin laughed a little. “I love Henry.”

“We all do. I truly believe that we’ll defeat Zoom, but with everything on the line, don’t you think it’s time to tell Barry how you feel?”

Caitin’s face fell a little. “I did already, remember?”

“I know. And believe me, I yelled at Barry for not saying anything in return. It’s kinda unlike him. But things have changed; we’ve all changed.”

“You’re right.” Caitlin nodded, seemingly to herself. “I’ll tell him.”

But before she could even think about what exactly she’d say, Barry flashed in. “He took Wally,” he gasped. “He wants my speed in exchange for getting him back alive.”

Both womens’ eyes widened in shock, and they scrambled out of their chairs. “What do we do?”

“I have to give it to him. I can’t let Wally die.”

Iris reached for Barry, tears streaming down her face. “I can’t trade one brother for another,” she said softly.

“I know, but it’s the only way,” Barry said softly.

Caitlin watched the exchange, her own eyes tearing up. It was always like this — one thing after another, a desperate game of trying to keep everyone safe and alive, trying to stop meta after meta, villain after villain. She wondered briefly if the good guys ever truly  _ won _ , or if their existences were always spent trying to keep the bad guys at bay.

She met Barry’s eyes over Iris’s shoulder, and they exchanged a look. His green eyes said it all: that he would do anything to protect his family, even if that meant giving up the one thing that made him a superhero.

There was no way Caitlin would let him do it without a fight, but while she tried to come up with an alternative plan, she might as well put this one into action. “I’ll talk to Cisco,” she said softly, and got up to find her other best friend.

* * *

_**S.T.A.R. Labs, Pipeline** _

“There has to be another way!” Cisco practically shouted. “We can’t let Barry give up his speed!”

“I know, Cisco, but I can’t think of anything right now. Jay – Zoom — Hunter, whatever, has out-smarted us at every turn. I can’t believe we didn’t figure it out before.” Caitlin shook her head sadly.

“Vibe him, Cisco,” Barry said from behind her. “Tell him to come here and bring Wally with him, and we’ll give him my speed.” He had Jay/Hunter’s helmet in his hands. “Here.”

Cisco swallowed and nodded, reaching out to take the winged helmet. Closing his eyes, he concentrated hard. “We’ll do it,” he said, speaking to a Zoom they could not see. “Barry will give you his speed.”

And so here they were, standing in a semicircle with their guns ready and loaded around Hunter Zoloman, who clutched Wally by the neck like he was some wayward kitten. Hunter shoved Wally at Iris, who lowered her gun and pulled her keys out of her pocket. “ _ Go home, _ ” she whispered, giving her little brother a quick half-hug. “Quicky!”

Wally nodded and sped off, shock and adrenaline running through his system.

Hunter surveyed each of them smugly, his eyes brighter than they’ve ever been. “Ah, how the mighty have fallen,” he crowed. As he answered each of their questions, his ego seemed to get bigger and bigger. Like the narcissistic maniac he was, he explained in very clear detail exactly how he got there and why he did what he did.

“Why run around like the Flash?” Joe demanded.

“Why, to give them  _ hope _ , detective.” Hunter grinned wolfishly, a crazy light in his eyes. “So I could  _ rip it all away. _ ”

Barry looked like he wanted to throttle Hunter right then and there. Caitlin swallowed and wished she could hold him or even grasp his hand for comfort, like he had for her so many times.

“It’s so much fun pretending to be a hero,” Hunter continued, eyeing Barry almost hungrily. Watching to see what he’d do. Waiting to see if he’d snap.

It was Caitlin that snapped first. She couldn’t stand the jabs that Hunter threw Barry’s way anymore. “You’ll never be a hero,” she spat. “You’re nothing but a monster.”

The smile slid right off of Hunter’s face. He glared at her, and if she didn’t know better, she’d say he had an almost… haunted… look in his eyes. Jolting himself back to the present, Hunter plastered on his smug grin back on. “Well, let’s stop wasting time,” he said. “Let’s have the Flash's speed!”

Caitlin could barely watch as Barry ran on the treadmill. Her hand found Iris’s for support, clasping it so tight, she was sure the other girl would lose circulation. But Iris squeezed her hand just as hard, and she knew they were in it together. Watching the man they loved lose his speed… and lose hope.

As Barry fell off the treadmill, beads of sweat dotting his forehead, they ran to his side.

“Barry, are you okay?” Iris asked.

“Yeah… I’m okay,” Barry answered. But the look in his eyes — it was a look of utter defeat.

Hunter injected Barry’s speed into his arm with a victory cry and flashed over to them, throwing Barry against the wall and grabbing him by the throat.

“Thanks for your speed,  _ Flash _ ,” he said. “Now… I guess you’ll just have to die.”

“No!” Caitlin heard a voice scream… then realized it was her own. “Hunter — if you ever cared about me, if you ever cared about anything at all, please, please,  _ please  _ don’t do this. Let Barry live.”

He loosened his hold on Barry, turning around to face her. “I  _ told  _ you that Barry Allen didn’t care about you,” Hunter said dangerously. “You didn’t listen to me.”

“I’m sorry!” Caitlin was crying now. This couldn’t be the end.  _ The good guys always have to win,  _ a small part of her thought.  _ This can’t be over.  _ “I…” she took a shuddering breath. “I’ll do whatever you want. If anything that you ever said to me was true, please just let Barry go.  _ Please. _ ”

“Hmm….” was all Hunter said, eyeing her speculatively.

Caitlin’s eyes darted frantically between Barry, who was struggling to breathe, and Hunter, who still had the maniacal look in his eyes. “I know some piece of you did care for me, so if you have any humanity left,  _ please just let him go,”  _ she entreated desperately.

Barry’s face was quickly turning pink, then purple. His eyes were closing. Caitlin prayed to a God she no longer believed in. Hunter squeezed harder.

And threw Barry on the ground. Barry fell to his knees, gasping for air. Caitlin gulped in deep breaths, as if she were breathing for him, almost disbelieving that her words had an effect on Hunter.  _ Maybe he’ll leave now?  _ she thought hopefully.

Of course, he turned to face her fully now. Without a word, he scooped her up and flashed away.

“Caitlin!” Cisco shouted, two beats too late.

Barry scrambled to his feet, still struggling to breathe, but it felt like he was being choked to death again.  _ Caitlin was gone. _

* * *

_**S.T.A.R. Labs, Cortex** _

Three things became very clear to Iris after Caitlin got kidnapped: one, that Caitlin was the glue that held this team together, the clear-headed voice of hope and reason; two, that both Barry and Cisco  _ needed _ her to be alright; three, that the woman had gotten kidnapped more times than anyone else on the team for god-knows whatever reason.

“Cisco, did you see Caitlin in your vibe?” she asked worriedly, interrupting Cisco’s tirade on how much he hated Jay’s helmet.

Cisco stopped short, though he still looked like he wanted to smash the helmet with a sledgehammer. “Zoom’s got her in his lair. She’s scared, but she’s okay.”

“Thank God,” Barry breathed. “We need to get her back.”

“Without your speed, there’s not really anything we can do,” Joe said. Iris side-eyed her dad, something that under different circumstances, he would’ve teased her for.

_ That’s not really helping, Dad,  _ she thought.  _ As much as it is true.  _ They  _ needed _ the Flash right now, but the Flash wasn’t the Flash without his speed.

Harry came bursting in, pissed as hell. “ _ That’s right, _ Detective. We’ve all lost something. We’ve lost Snow, he’s lost his speed…”

As Harry carried on ranting, Iris watched him. Like the detective’s daughter she was, she read through his angry act quite easily. He was worried about Caitlin and scared. She suspected it was like losing his daughter all over again. She knew that Harry and Caitlin had gotten much closer over the past few weeks, working on the Velocity-9, escaping from Grodd… Caitlin had been the first to warm up to him, to welcome him to the team and make him feel accepted.

“...and  _ that _ , Allen,  _ that’s on you,”  _ Harry finished, as Iris tuned back in.

“Hey!” she snapped. Barry always carried immense guilt for whenever bad things happened to people other than himself; he didn’t need another accusation placed upon him. “We made that decision as a team.”

As Wells stormed out, Iris knew that the only hope of getting Wells back was also to get Caitlin back. Cisco left too; Barry seemed despondent; her dad didn’t know what to do or say to this group of people who had lost all hope.

* * *

_**Zoom's Lair** _

“You don’t need to be afraid. I’m not going to hurt you,” Hunter said.

Caitlin shook her head. “You only care about yourself…  _ Hunter _ ,” she spat.

Hunter wanted to kill something. Slowly and painfully. No matter what he did, Caitlin, like all the people on earth,  _ only cared about Barry Allen.  _ About the heroes. Couldn’t she see that he was better in every way? Faster, smarter, fitter? The one who deserved her love?

She reminded him of his mother looking at his father. Always rejecting his love, looking at him with a look of distrust and distaste. Maybe even hate.

“Please, Cait,” he started.

“Do NOT call me that,” she interrupted venomously, wiping the smile off his face.

_ Only two people ever called me Cait — Barry and Ronnie — and it’s a name reserved for those I love,  _ Caitlin thought.

_ Why can Barry Allen call her Cait, but no one else?  _ Hunter thought angrily.

“Why are you keeping me here?” she demanded.

“You’re here,” he said, kneeling at her feet, “because I love you. It might take time, but someday, you’ll feel the same about me too.” He looked at her almost tenderly. “Make yourself comfortable. You’re going to be here for a while.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title reflects the 3rd time Cait's been kidnapped.


	18. solace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything changes for Barry and Caitlin in the aftermath of Caitlin's kidnapping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a longer chapter, but a really important one :)

**solace**

_Yes, of course  
_ _I remember, how could I forget?  
_ _How you feel?_

_— “Thinkin’ Bout You,” Frank Ocean_

* * *

_**S.T.A.R. Labs** _

“Guys guys guys! You have to come see this!” Cisco’s voice was urgent.

 _What could it possibly be?_ Barry wondered as he rushed into the Cortex after his friend. _We don’t have time for anything; we need to focus on saving —_

“Caitlin?” Barry exclaimed, seeing his dad tending to a seated figure. He stared at her in wonder and disbelief as his pace slowed.

“She’s in shock,” his dad said. “A little dehydrated and malnourished, but I think she’ll be fine.” Henry placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, just like Barry does.

Something in Barry’s heart twisted at seeing his dad and Caitlin together — his two favorite doctors in the world.

Caitlin nodded shakily, a small smile appearing on her lips. “I’m okay,” she promised. Even in this state, she was reassuring Barry.

Barry knelt down so he could meet her eyes on her level. He looked at her searchingly. “What happened? How did you get away?” He didn’t doubt for a moment that if anyone could outsmart and escape Zoom, it was Caitlin Snow.

“He… let me go,” Caitlin replied, disbelief apparent in her voice as well. Barry furrowed his brow, confused. That was unlike Zoom. He could see the same confusion in Caitlin’s eyes. “I didn’t think he would. I thought it was a trap,” she continued. “But… he told me you were dead.” Her voice finally cracked at that.

 _I didn’t care what happened to me if you were dead,_ she thought, drinking him in with her eyes. _Barry was alive Barry is alive Barry is here I’m home._

 _She was worried about me even when she was kidnapped,_ Barry thought with wonder. _She has such a big heart._

“I’m not. I’m right here,” he reassured her, his green eyes never breaking away from hers. “We’re all here… together.”

“You… you can’t beat him. He’ll overrun the city!” Caitlin’s voice was getting a little panicky.

“No, no he won’t. I know from being in the Speed Force that the universe is with us. And if the universe is with us, how can we possibly lose?”

Caitlin’s mouth opened and closed as she processed this new information. “ _Right guys?_ ” Barry said meaningfully.

“R-right, yeah,” Jesse replied. Her dad raised an eyebrow.

“You should get some rest. C’mon,” Barry said, standing and wrapping an arm around Caitlin. The other arm reached for her hand, interlacing her fingers with his.

* * *

“You were _in the Speed Force?_ ” Caitlin asked as they walked away, their backs to everyone’s incredulous expressions.

“I… when you were gone, it’s hard to explain, but we tried to get my powers back, and when the dark matter and lightning…” Barry started explaining in a soft, soothing voice. Caitlin surprisingly found herself tuning out, simply allowing the familiar cadences of Barry’s voice wash over her.

_You’re safe you’re safe you’re safe you’re safe._

They made their way outside, Barry’s fingers still intertwined tightly with hers. _This is nice,_ she thought.

Barry stopped short and looked around uncertainly. “Do you… want me to flash you home, or —?”

Caitlin shook her head adamantly. “I don’t think I want to be flashed around by anyone for a while, no offense.” She gave a twisted smile, exhaling shakily. “Being flashed from one earth to another while under captivity was a little traumatic.”

“Yeah yeah no I get it,” Barry said hurriedly. “I can drive you home? If you trust me with your car.” A goofy grin spread across his face. “I am not a bad driver, I promise.”

“I can drive —”

“No, Cait, let me. Please?” His puppy eyes came out. “Let me do this for you. You deserve to be taken care of for once; you always take care of me.”

“Fine,” she sighed, admitting defeat. Though she had to admit, she _did_ enjoy being taken care of.

Barry’s smile widened and he let go of her, holding out his hand for her keys. She missed the warmth and comfort of it immediately, but shook it off as she reached into her purse. “Go at a safe speed, Mr. Allen,” she chided.

“Safety first!” he responded cheerfully.

They got into her cozy car and started up the engine. The radio came on when the car started, softly playing an R&B station. Barry looked at Caitlin, surprised.

“What?” she demanded.

“Nothing. I just didn’t take you for an R&B girl.”

“Hey. I only listen to classical music when I need to really focus, but I don’t always have the taste of an eighty-year-old. Or a high schooler,” she said, looking at Barry with an impish grin.

He groaned. “You’re never gonna let go of the “Poker Face” thing, are you?”

“Nope.”

He sang absent-mindedly to the song that was playing, his eyes on the road (that, Caitlin was glad of):

_I've been thinkin' 'bout you (you know, know, know)_   
_I've been thinkin' 'bout you  
Do you think about me still? Do ya, do ya?_

“You have a really good voice,” she said softly.

“Thanks! My mom…” His voice softened. “My mom and I used to sing a lot together. We were really into musicals. And just music in general. _You_ seem to like singing too…” He smirked, looking over at her.

“Hey! Eyes on the road! And, well. You’ve heard me sing. It’s usually reserved for me in the car or in the shower — alone, where no one can hear my obnoxiously off-tune voice.”

“Don’t worry, it’s cute, even if it is horrendously off tune.”

It was so natural, so normal, so different than the trauma she’d just experienced, that for a small sliver of a moment, Caitlin could taste how it could’ve been. Her, a research scientist at S.T.A.R. Labs, him, a regular CSI at CCPD.

But their lives were anything but normal, and neither were they.

“Caitlin, I —”

“Barry, I —”

They started at the same time, then looked at each other and laughed sheepishly. “You go first,” Barry offered.

Caitlin swallowed. “Barry, when I was kidnapped, all I could think about was you. If you were safe. If you were okay. If you got your speed back, how I could help… and Hunter — he _hates_ you. I think he’s jealous of you; he kept talking about how you only cared about winning Iris’s love, how spoiled you are by having us around you… it’s like he was trying to poison my mind. He told me he _loved_ me, and that I would love him back, in time. I’m not sure how he got those feelings or that impression, but the thing…” Her voice faltered, but she continued bravely on. “The only thing that kept me sane was the thought of you. Iris had told me to tell you how I felt before all this happened, before I got kidnapped with Zoom, because life is short, but I never got the chance to. And you don’t have to say anything now — I know I made it awkward when I told you how I felt the first time, and that was before Ronnie came back, but I wanted you to know that my feelings haven’t changed. If anything… I think they’re stronger than before. We’ve been through so much together, Barry, and you’re always by my side when I need you. You’re always there to save me, and I’ll always be there for you.”

She hadn’t made eye contact with him the whole time, instead keeping her eyes on the road ahead, on the cars flashing by. Conversations were easier like this, looking straight ahead and simply letting the words spill out.

He was quiet for a long moment. As he pulled onto her street and parked her car by the curb, he took an audible breath and looked over at Caitlin, at the uncertainty and light burning in her brown eyes.

“Caitlin,” Barry began, his green eyes focused on hers, “the one thing that kept me going, that kept me searching for an answer, that gave me hope when I lost my speed, that led me in and out of the Speed Force, was you. I needed to find you, to get you back, to hold you in my arms —” his voice caught, and he cleared his throat. “To tell you that it’s okay, that you’re okay. That I should’ve told you how I felt long ago, but I was embarrassed and jealous of Jay and you seemed happy without me. I never get the girl, you know? I guess ten plus years of unrequited love will do that. And I’m glad you and Iris are friends — I know I was a little obsessed with Iris, but time has shown me that I really latched onto her because there were no other females in my life, really. And what she has with Eddie is _really good._ But —” he reached out and grabbed Caitlin’s hand again, his gaze intensifying as his fingers wrapped around hers once more, “— we were always meant to be together, I think. You’ve always been there when I wake up, always patched me up when I got hurt, always believed in me, even when I didn’t have my speed. I would do _anything_ to protect you. And I will save you, every. Single. Time. Though I know you’re no typical damsel-in-distress, Dr. Snow.” He grinned. “You’re kind of a badass.”

The air felt like it was twenty times thinner. The heaviness of their unspoken thoughts had cleared; there seemed to be electricity crackling in the stillness. There were no more words that could really be said — each had opened up their hearts and voiced the thoughts and feelings that were inside.

Caitlin’s eyes were shining as she squeezed Barry’s hand hard, conveying all she felt, conveying the fullness of her heart.

And Barry? Barry leaned across and pulled her close, capturing her lips with his. They were soft, exploratory, reverent. She closed her eyes, breathing in the warm smell of him — cinnamon, his cologne, a slight scent of rain and electricity crackling underneath the surface. _Safe._

As they broke apart, Barry looked at her wonderingly. “Why do I feel like that’s not the first time I’ve done that?” he questioned.

“Welllll, that’s kind of a long story,” Caitlin said, blushing. “Do you… do you want to come up?”

He nodded enthusiastically and got out, flashing over to open her door for her and reaching a hand out to help her out of the car.

She smiled at his gentlemanly tendencies. As they made their way up to her apartment, each lost in their own racing thoughts, both of them had one more unspoken question — _what happens now?_

“I’ll be out here if you need anything?” Barry asked uncertainly. “I’m sure you want to take a shower.”

“You read my mind,” she said. “I’ll only be a bit.”

“Take your time,” he waved her off. “It’ll help you relax.”

And relax she did. Caitlin turned on the shower to the hottest setting, letting the warm steam fill up her bathroom. She sprinkled lavender essential oil in the shower to calm herself down, breathing in the soothing aroma as she stepped in. The warm water scouring her body felt like a relief — not only was it wonderful to finally be _clean_ after so many days, but also to wash off any hint of Hunter Zoloman on her body. The slight burning felt good; she used her favorite body scrub to truly _scrub_ any traces of him off.

If only she could do that with her thoughts.

As she shampooed and rinsed her hair, running her fingers through it and adding conditioner, she took the time to still her swirling thoughts. _Safe,_ she thought. _I’m safe, we’re safe, Barry’s here, Barry feels the same way…_

It was almost incomprehensible that he’d returned her feelings. For so long, she thought it’d be Barry-and-Iris. Then it was Barry-and-Linda. Then it was Barry-is-the-Flash-protecting-the-world. He still was, but there was room for her now too.

Maybe there had always been.

Feeling infinitely better, she stepped out of the shower and dried off with a white fluffy towel (one of her favorite feelings) and went through her nighttime skincare routine (even a kidnapping couldn’t stop Caitlin from adhering to routine once she was home). Teeth brushed, toner-serum-moisturizer on, and lip balm smoothed over her lips, she changed into cozy pajamas and walked back out into the living room, hoping that she didn’t keep Barry waiting too long.

He wasn’t there.

She panicked, eyes darting around frantically. “Barry?” she called, her voice quavering. _Whereishewhereishewhereishe?_

“In here!” he called, his voice coming from the kitchen.

 _Thank God,_ she thought, making her way toward him. She sniffed the air. “Is that…”

Barry turned around from the stove, grinning at her as he flipped a pancake.

“Pancakes!” he finished enthusiastically. “My specialty. I thought you might be hungry, so I made you something. Breakfast for dinner is my favorite.”

“Where did you get the ingredients? I haven’t gone grocery shopping yet —”

“Oh, I went for you! I also made bacon and tea and eggs. Do you want chocolate chips in your pancakes? I can make them in a smiley face!”

 _His excitement was adorable,_ Caitlin thought, smiling at his beaming face. _And he really likes pancakes._ “A smiley face chocolate chip pancake would be fantastic, thank you,” she said.

“Great!” He turned back around for a few seconds and produced a plate stacked high with chocolate chip pancakes — the chocolate chips all arranged in a smile, as promised.

“You’re going to have some too, right? I can’t finish these all by myself,” Caitlin said, laughing. “Although I _am_ pretty hungry.”

“I’m _always_ hungry,” Barry said.

They sat down at the kitchen table, which Barry had thoughtfully set with knives, forks, maple syrup, and their mugs of tea. Caitlin’s eyes widened as she took the first bite.

“What?” Barry asked worriedly. “Do you not like it? I can make them again, maybe blueberry—”

“No, no!” Caitlin reassured, after she finished chewing her bite. “It’s _so good._ I’ve never had pancakes this good. Who knew you could cook, Barry Allen!”

He flashed her a smile. “This is actually the only thing I can cook,” he admitted. “I’m pretty terrible at everything else. But my mom taught me how to make pancakes when I was little because we’d always make them for the family on Saturday mornings — those were the only days my dad had off. So I got real good at making them.”

“That’s so sweet, Barry. Your mom would be so proud of you.”

“Thanks.”

Their conversation flowed from there, Caitlin asking more questions about Barry’s time in the Speed Force, her curious brain awakening. As they finished their meal and cleared the dishes, Caitlin could tell Barry was still a little unsure of whether she wanted him to leave or stay, so she thought she’d clarify.

“Can you flash home and —”

“Oh, of course! I don’t want to be a bother —”

“Barry, let me finish!” she said with a laugh. “Do you mind staying? If you could flash home and get whatever you need for the night… I just… I don’t really want to be alone right now.”

His green eyes widened. “Yeah, of course! Be back before you know it.” He winked and disappeared, leaving her freshly washed hair blowing in the wind of his wake.

It was approximately a minute before Barry came back — dressed in sweats, a S.T.A.R. Lab sweatshirt, and apparently freshly showered as well. He held a small bag in his hand — his toothbrush and clothes for tomorrow, she supposed. “True to your word,” she said.

He still hovered at the doorway of her bedroom, even after she had walked in. “Are you sure?” he said softly.

“Yes,” she replied, reaching for his hand. “Just sleeping. Like last time, but without the evil dress and me puking everywhere.”

“Of course!” he said, turning bright red.

She snuggled under the covers and pulled the blankets up so he could get in too. As she felt her eyelids growing heavy, she could feel Barry’s body curling protectively around hers. “Barry?” she asked sleepily, her voice thick.

“Mmm?”

“Thank you for everything.”

“Always. G’night, Cait,” he replied, pressing a kiss on the back of her head.

“G’night, Barry,” she murmured, already drifting off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a loooong road, but THEY FINALLY MADE IT.
> 
> Barry comforting Caitlin after Zoom was probably one of the most beautiful things I've seen. I tried to get into Caitlin's mindset for this one — I'd imagine she'd be pretty shaken up by it all (and I don't think the show really depicts trauma all too well) — but I've never been kidnapped (thank god), so I did the best I could.


	19. spilled sunlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry reflects on how far he and Cait have come.

**spilled sunlight**

_ I know you want me, you know I feel the same way  
_ _ Don't wanna leave you, by your side together here I'll stay  
_ _ Let's change the weather, you and I don't ever have to die  
_ _ We'll be forever babe, our love is the real thing _

_ — “Sunlight on Your Skin,” Lil Peep & ILoveMakonnen _

* * *

_**Caitlin's apartment.** _

Barry woke first the next morning.

Golden sunlight spilled in through the windows; it seemed like the heavy rain of the past few days had finally subsided. It angled across Caitlin’s face, painting shadows and rectangles of light on her creamy skin.

_ She looks so peaceful,  _ he thought, resisting an urge to kiss her. He didn’t want to wake her, after all — she needed all the sleep she could get.

His arms were still wrapped protectively around her, her back pressed against his. He lay there, replaying last night.

It seemed like forever ago that he and Caitlin had slept together innocently like this. He could’ve slapped his past self for running away from their shared feelings rather than confront them head-on.

But a lot had passed between then and now. A lot had changed.  _ They  _ had changed. Barry knew that he was older, wiser, more sure of himself now than he had been a year ago.  _ Maybe it’s finally the right timing. Maybe it’s destiny, _ he thought.

Whatever it was, he thanked the universe that it had brought him her, in this big, comfy bed, holding a woman who truly liked him in his arms. If you had asked Barry Allen two years ago what he’d be doing now, he would’ve laughed if you told him that this was his life.

So much changes in such little time.

He looked down at Caitlin again, only to find tears streaming down her face, the sunlight reflecting off of them as they carved tracks down her cheeks. He wiped them away softly with his thumb, then murmured, “Cait?”

She jerked awake, wild panic in her eyes before calming down and realizing where she was. “Sorry,” she said, a little embarrassed. “I was having nightmares.”

“It’s okay,” Barry said. “D’ya want to talk about it?”

“I was in CCPD again, and you and Zoom were fighting. He was going to kill you, and I couldn’t watch…” Fresh tears leaked out from her eyes, and Barry wiped them away like he had wiped the other ones.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” he soothed. “I’m right here. That won’t happen.”

Caitlin sniffled. “Wow, I’ve been crying a lot,” she said with a teary smile.

“It’s pretty justified, I think,” Barry replied.

“I’m glad you’re here,” she admitted.

“Me too.”

“I can make us coffee if you want to use the restroom first and get ready?” she said, stretching slightly. “As much as I’d love to stay in bed, we have a city to save.”

“I betcha I can beat the coffee maker,” was his answer, and they raced off to start their morning in tandem.

* * *

_**S.T.A.R. Labs.** _

“Argh!” Cisco yelled, throwing his marker at the board. “Where’s Barry? I need a taste of that ‘walking on sunshine’ thing he’s got going on right now.”

Caitlin flushed. “How am I supposed to know where he is?”

Her friend looked at her strangely. “It was a rhetorical question.”

“Ahhh!” she screamed, making Cisco jump. Barry flashed into the room, looking around wildly.

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s me. I’m right here,” Barry said, rubbing soothing circles on Caitlin’s back as he hugged her, looking at Cisco worriedly over her shoulder.

“I — I thought I saw Zoom,” Caitlin gasped. “I see him  _ everywhere _ ; I’m afraid  _ all the time.  _ I don’t know if I can ever move forward…”

“You will,” Barry said confidently. Seeing that his friend had the situation handled, Cisco left silently, throwing one last concerned look over his shoulder.

“How? He took everything from me — my confidence, my trust, my sanity… I don’t know if I can ever be whole again.”

Barry pulled away for a moment, searching her eyes. She looked younger than he had ever seen her, and lost. Helpless. Hopeless.

“He didn’t take me away. You’ll always have me. And it’ll be okay. Maybe it’ll take time, but we have all the time in the world. I’m here for you, Cait. Always.”

She sniffled and pulled him back in, wrapping her arms securely around his back and resting her face against his chest. “You make me feel safe,” she whispered.

Barry kissed the top of her head. “I promise to always keep you safe,” he murmured.

They both knew that it was something neither of them could control, but they basked in the comfort of the lie anyway.

* * *

_**Central City, high-rise.** _

“I think I’ve just had the worst idea of all time,” Cisco had said slowly. Everyone had just _looked_ at him.

And so here they were, standing in front of Black Siren, Caitlin’s blonde wig itching uncomfortably. She wasn’t used to wearing tight leather pants and had to stop herself from constantly adjusting her outfit.  _ Channel Killer Frost,  _ she told herself.  _ Killer Frost would own it. _

It became easier and easier to slip into Killer Frost’s persona — the woman was a badass bitch who took no shit from anyone. Plus, she was far more likable when she wasn’t making fun of Caitlin and her outfits.

For the first time in forever, Caitlin felt  _ normal.  _ Hell, she almost felt whole.

And when the night ended, the Earth-2 metas safely locked away, Barry’s warm arms holding her together and Cisco jumping joyously into their group hug, she felt safer than she had in a long, long time.

Maybe this was her calling — being out in the field, helping others, rather than worrying at the Cortex whenever Barry was out fighting.

Maybe a small part of her always knew that she belonged by his side… wherever he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A tiny sliver of happiness before...


	20. whatever it takes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry deals with the aftermath of Henry's death. Team Flash worries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter before Flashpoint!

**whatever it takes**

_I'll do whatever it takes  
_ _To turn this around  
_ _I know what's at stake  
_ _I know that I've let you down  
_

 _And if you give me a chance  
_ _Believe that I can change_

 _I'll keep us together  
_ _Whatever it takes._

_— “Whatever It Takes,” Lifehouse_

* * *

**_Central City Cemetary._ **

The rain fell thick and heavy on their black umbrellas, mirroring the tears that streamed down their faces. It was relentless, really, the unyielding downpour, but Barry was glad for it. It would’ve felt wrong if the sun shone brightly. This way, it seemed like the whole world was mourning Henry Allen. Mourning the injustice of it all — that Barry had _just gotten his father back_ before Zoom snatched him away.

 _Feel the anger, Barry!_ Zoom’s voice resounded in his head. _Feel it! Now you’re just like me._

“My father —” Barry started, his voice cracking. He swallowed thickly, fighting the tears that inevitably rose in his eyes.

But all he could think was _nonononono._

“I can’t do this right now, guys,” Barry said, turning away from the grave. From his father, finally laid to rest next to his beloved wife, the gravestones of Henry and Nora Allen freshly cleaned from the rain.

Caitlin yearned to reach for him from under her own umbrella, but she knew that some things took more than the comfort of a simple touch.

“Henry Allen…” Joe began, and launched into the most beautiful eulogy Caitlin had ever heard. Barry’s eyes filled with the tears he’d been holding back, and he let himself cry freely as he listened to his surrogate father’s words about his biological dad, about the man who he had never, ever stopped believing in, whom the world took away from him far too soon.

Family was everything to Barry, and it seemed like the universe was conspiring against him to take that away.

Joe finished his speech and nodded at his surrogate son. Barry plucked a deep red rose and laid it carefully on his father’s grave.

One by one, they all followed, Caitlin the last to lay a rose down. “I wish I could’ve gotten to know you better,” she whispered, brushing her thumb softly on the smooth marble tombstone. “I know how much Barry loves and needs you.”

The sun began to break through the clouds and Barry knelt down next to Caitlin. “I’m going to find him, Dad. I’m going to take from him what he took from you. Whatever it takes.”

There was darkness and vengeance and determination in his voice. Caitlin hoped that he wouldn’t prove Zoom right by becoming just like him. She reached for his hand and he grasped her tightly, as if she were his lifeline.

* * *

_**S.T.A.R. Labs, Pipeline.** _

“You’re planning on killing him,” Joe said incredulously.

“Of course! I’m going to kill him because he deserves it. After all we’ve been through. I’m going to do whatever it takes.”

“I’m sorry, Barry,” Joe said. “Because I will too.”

Confusion flashed across Barry’s face as Joe shot him, pulling his unconscious body into the power-dampening cell.

“You guys! You have to let me out!” Barry was up quickly, pounding against the walls. “Please!”

“I’m sorry, but it’s a decision we all made,” Joe said softly, yet an undercurrent of steel ran through his voice, and Caitlin remembered that he was Joe West, top CCPD detective.

“ _All_ of you?” Barry asked, glaring at everyone’s guilty faces, betrayal evident in his eyes.

Caitlin couldn’t bring herself to look at him. She wouldn’t be able to meet his eyes without crying.

“Let me out!” Barry shouted as Joe closed the screen, leaving him in darkness. “Guys!”

“Are you sure you want to do this, Snow?” Harry asked, his blue eyes searching hers knowingly. “No one will blame you if you don’t.”

“Jay may be a monster, but there’s a human in there somewhere. And I can appeal to that, get through to that — I’ve done it before. Let me do this for Barry,” she said, the determination in her voice sharp enough to cut glass.

He nodded in response and they set out to work.

* * *

_**Central City, S.T.A.R. Labs Van.** _

Caitlin looked at Iris as she prepared to face her former kidnapper. Iris gave her a reassuring look. “You got this,” she said in the same way Joe had, reminding Caitlin that Iris was a formidable woman in her own right.

She nodded, her eyes searching Iris’s. _Take care of Barry for me,_ she thought. _In case I don’t come back. Tell him I love him._

Iris nodded, and Caitlin stepped out into the open. “Jay?” she called.

Zoom was in front of her in a flash of blue lightning. “Caitlin.” His voice wasn't friendly. “How did you find me?”

“I tracked you here. No one else knows.”

“I _told you —_ ”

“That if I betrayed you, you’d show me no mercy. I know. Just let me explain why. _Please,_ Jay.” Caitlin widened her eyes, exuding innocence.

She saw his face soften for a millisecond before he plastered a glare back on. He took a menacing step toward her. “Talk.”

“Good job, girl,” Iris said in her comm. “Now draw him toward you.”

Bolstered by her friend’s encouragement, Caitlin conjured up all the love she could, thinking about Barry. “I made a mistake.” She began walking toward him slowly, as if she couldn’t stay away. “I am _so sorry_ I abandoned you. But you have to understand… what you said to me, that there was a dark side to me… that I was more like Killer Frost than I knew...I didn’t want to accept that. I _tried_ to lock the darkness inside of me. But you _knew_ that was already a part of me now.” She met Jay’s eyes unflinchingly. Somehow, these words weren’t all a lie.

Sure, she was glad as hell that she left Jay, but the part about the darkness? That was something she was afraid to confront every day. She had been Caitlin Snow, the pure, bright, smart girl, for so long, but she always sensed that there was something more insidious writhing underneath the surface, threatening to consume her if she’d let it.

“And you’re the only one who did,” Caitlin continued. “I’m ready to accept that it’s part of me now.” She was inches from Jay now. He believed her, he still wanted her, she could see it all in his eyes.

“I am so sorry I hurt you,” she repeated, gazing softly up at him. “But now, I want to be the one that only you know. Please, Jay.”

Jay looked almost… uncertain. “I knew you’d eventually come around, Caitlin,” he said, and she smiled up at him, just like in his dreams.

“But it’s too late,” he continued, and reached down to scoop her up — only to find that he was reaching for a hologram.

He screamed in fury, but it was too late. They had him… almost. As Wells shot the gun, he realized that Joe was too close. But the breach had already closed over Zoom… taking Joe with him.

* * *

_**S.T.A.R. Labs.** _

“Barry! Look at yourself, man. _You are not okay!_ ” Cisco shouted.

Damn right, he was not okay. His friends just locked him up in a _cell_ and got his surrogate dad _kidnapped_ on a different Earth and this was all _too much_ and his dad was gone and he just couldn’t take it anymore.

“I just _watched_ my dad DIE, Cisco! Do you have any idea how that _feels?_ ” Barry exploded.

“ _Yes, I do!_ ” Caitlin didn’t raise her voice much, so everyone was shocked when she did. She stepped forward, looking at Barry beseechingly. “Watching someone you love die? I know how that feels.”

“Cait…” Barry said, turning and scrubbing a hand across his face. He knew she faced pain, knew that she, better than anyone else, understood what it was like to watch a parent die, to watch a loved one die, to fall into a dark spiral of grief and despair. But couldn’t she see that he _needed_ this? Needed to avenge his father’s death, needed to protect them all and end this once and for all?

“I know how cold, and angry, and distant it makes you,” Caitlin barged on, knowing that Barry needed to hear these words as much as she needed to say them. “But when I was feeling that way, _you_ were the one that kept me in check. You told me to stop and take a breath, and that’s all we’re telling you to do now.”

Barry shook his head. “I’m telling you, I’m good.”

No one believed him. Because he was very clearly not good.

“Look, you guys, you may not think I can do this,” Barry started.

Caitlin shook her head softly, sadly. That _wasn’t_ what they were saying at all. They simply knew how much revenge would poison him, would turn that pure heart of his into something that was marred by the scars of having another’s blood on your hands.

“But we’re _running out of time!_ ” Barry finished, exasperated.

* * *

In the end, they won, like all heroes are supposed to. The time wraiths took Zoom away to meet his eternal damnation, they saved the real Jay Garrick, the man in the iron mask AKA the Flash of Earth-3, and although Barry may have had a little (i.e. a large) mental breakdown at seeing his father’s doppelganger alive and in the flesh, they were all okay.

They were all alive.

But Barry couldn’t help but feel like something was missing. He felt empty and lost still. _Why?_ he wondered. _Shouldn’t I feel victorious? We_ **_won._ **

He sat on the porch with Iris, remembering how they’d sit there after school some days, when the weather was hot. How simple it was, being a kid.

“We won, Iris,” he swallowed, tearing up again, “but why does it feel like I lost?”

She could only shake her head in response, her heart hurting for her surrogate brother.

“I think I need to find some peace. I… please tell Cait I love her and that I’m sorry.” Iris nodded, tears filling her eyes as well.

“I love you,” he whispered to her as well, giving her a big hug.

He wasn’t sure anyone would forgive him for what he was about to do.


	21. spinning circles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry finds that there are indeed consequences of changing the past. [Flashpoint + its aftermath]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A longer chapter for y'all and some Snowbarry fluff <3

**spinning circles**

_ Round and round and round and round we go  
_ _ Oh, now tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know _

_ Not really sure how to feel about it  
_ _ Something in the way you move  
_ _ Makes me feel like I can't live without you  
_ _ It takes me all the way  
_ _ I want you to stay _

_ — “Stay,” Rihanna _

* * *

_**S.T.A.R. Labs, Flashpoint.** _

He had royally screwed up.

Sure, Barry’s heart was full-to-bursting at seeing his mom  _ and  _ dad alive and well, bantering around the kitchen table like he’d always imagine they’d do.

The picture-perfect happy family.

But Joe was not the same Joe he knew — smart, loyal, responsible. No, this Joe could barely get up off his couch and drank himself to sleep most days.

Cisco was a pony-tailed CEO who was quite honestly a bit of a narcissistic asshole (though still funny, string bean jokes about Barry aside).

And Wally was  _ Kid Flash. _

At least Iris seemed to still be Iris, although they weren’t best friends or really friends at all in this timeline.

But he was missing something...

He began typing furiously on the computer, ignoring Cisco’s protests. “Got it!” Barry exclaimed gleefully, and flashed off.

He returned with a stunned Caitlin in his arms. She stumbled across the lab, look around. Strangely, she didn’t see to be very fazed or even scared.

“Hey! Stop bringing strangers into my lab!” Cisco said, annoyed. “Wait.. did you just kidnap this woman?”

“I — what, no! Well… I guess. But we need her! She’s a doctor!” Barry pleaded.

“I’m not a doctor,” Caitlin said. “I’m an ophthalmologist.”

“An eye doctor,” Barry said, smiling and nodding a little. He found the thought of Caitlin fitting little kids with glasses made his heart warm more than he'd like to admit. This Caitlin was just as cute as the pre-Flashpoint one.

“A pediatric eye doctor,” she corrected, beaming back at him sweetly and reinforcing the image of Cait with kids in his mind. She seemed to have none of the burdens or walls that the Caitlin he knew had. This timeline seemed to be kind to her, and he wondered what had changed in her life to make her this happy.

He wondered if she’d found a Ronnie in this timeline too.

“Quick question,” Caitlin asked Wally as Barry and Iris headed off, “did I get kidnapped?”

Wally shrugged. “Unclear.”

* * *

**_S.T.A.R. Labs, Post-Flashpoint._ **

Well, he thought he fixed it, but this timeline wasn’t without its casualties too.

Joe and Iris weren’t speaking to each other, Cisco wasn’t speaking to  _ him _ because Dante was dead, there was a British jerk called Julian Albert whom apparently both Caitlin and Cisco already knew, and he had caused Dig’s daughter Sara to literally blip out of existence, to be replaced with a little boy called John.

Great.

He began to do what he knew best — fix things.

“Heyyy,” he looked beseechingly up at Caitlin, who, thankfully, seemed to be the same. “I know we promised dinner, just the two of us tonight, but do you think you could ask Cisco too? And I want to try and get Joe and Iris there so they can make up too.”

She looked at him and sighed. He’d told her everything – about Flashpoint, about her eye doctor-self, about how everything was before. She was glad that their relationship still remained intact, but was hesitant about meddling in everyone else’s.

But still, it was Barry and she couldn’t resist those bright green puppy dog eyes. “Fine, yes. I can talk to Cisco. But how are you gonna get Joe and Iris there?”

He merely grinned, winked, and flashed off, ruining her newly curled and colored hair. “Hmmph,” she said fondly.

* * *

**_The West_** _**house, Post-Flashpoint.**_

It was a disaster like Caitlin expected. Awkward chewing, large sips (okay, gulps) of wine, avoiding eye contact or any conversation really. Although Joe’s cooking was great —  _ you can thank Grandma Esther for that,  _ he had said, shrugging off the compliments.

Caitlin’s heart wrenched, seeing Barry try so hard. Wally was the only one of the Wests who was cooperating, as innocent and easy-going in this timeline as he was in the old one (she supposed). Iris and Joe were stubbornly standing their ground, holding onto a past grudge that neither could let go of.

And Cisco — well, from what Caitlin knew of Dante, he and his brother had never quite gotten along. But Cisco was loyal and loved his brother. And now he was dead.

_ You were actually the least affected by Flashpoint,  _ Caitlin remembered Barry saying.  _ You seem… the same. _

As the meta alert went off and they rushed to fill their roles with ease, Caitlin wondered if things would ever be okay.

If Barry would ever be okay.

She was still wondering that as Barry finally explained to all of them what he had done, how he, in a moment of selfishness, had single-handedly changed all of their lives.

_ He would carry that burden for a long, long time, perhaps forever, _ Caitlin thought, watching Barry’s eyes dart from person to person, tears streaming down his face. He wiped them away quickly, almost angrily.

_ Have I changed? What was I like? Would I even know what was different?  _ Because no matter what, time travel  _ always  _ had its consequences, and no person was left untouched.

“My dad and I… we got along in the other timeline, didn’t we?” Iris asked softly, putting the pieces together. “That’s why you tried so hard to get us to talk to each other.”

She couldn’t even begin to scrape the surface of how guilty Barry felt at ruining his surrogate family.

“So, you decide it’s alright to change the timeline when someone in your family dies, but when it’s someone in my family…” Cisco’s level gaze could slice right through someone. He got up and left, shrugging off Caitlin’s comforting hand on his shoulder.

More tears seeped out from under Barry’s long eyelashes. This time, he wiped them away resignedly.

Caitlin always loved the way that Barry was more open with his emotions than most people, even women. Especially herself. It took a lot of bravery to wear your heart on your sleeve. But now, she simply felt her heart hurting for Barry as he cried openly in front of everyone he loved. “I’m gonna go talk to him,” he said, following Cisco out.

“I need space,” Iris said. She turned around, pulling out her cell phone. “Eddie? Hey babe. I’m at S.T.A.R. Labs — can you pick me up? Yeah, I got a ride here. Thanks, love you. See you soon.”

The rest of them simply stared at each other in silence, Barry’s confession hanging heavily in the air.

“Iris!” Caitlin said. “Wait. We’re like a family here, and I know Barry’s decisions hurt a lot of people, but I know he did it out of love. And that he will bear that burden for the rest of his life — the burden of knowing he changed our lives and didn’t give us a choice.”

The other woman turned around, her dark curls swinging over her shoulder. For a long moment, the two women looked at each other — unlikely friends who were drawn closer by their mutual love of one Barry Allen.

She sighed. “You’re right, Caitlin.” Iris looked at her dad. “Families fight sometimes… but in the end, we know it all boils down to love. Because when you stop and think about it, what we’re fighting about seems silly anyway.” Joe opened his arms for a hug, and Iris stepped into them, burying her face against her dad’s familiar chest.

Caitlin gave them a soft smile. It seemed that for now, things would be alright.

* * *

_**S.T.A.R. Labs, Post-Flashpoint.** _

“Yo, man — it was really good having you out there with me today. Maybe we could make that a thing every once in awhile?” Barry said hopefully, raising his eyebrows and looking at his long-haired friend with puppy dog eyes.

“I have some things to work on before I can do that,” Cisco said, getting up to leave.

Caitlin saw Barry’s face fall. Cisco must’ve felt it too, because he paused and turned around. “But maybe someday. It’d be bitchin’.” Waving a hand in the air and sounding much more like the old him, Cisco strode out of the Cortex, leaving Barry and Caitlin alone.

For a moment, it felt like the team was where it was supposed to be. The laughs, the smiles, the villains’ nicknames… Caitlin gazed happily at Barry from her perch on the desk.

He walked over to her, crossing the distance easily in a few long strides. “Thank you, Cait,” he sighed, tilting his head down to give her a soft peck on the lips.

“For what?” she asked, tilting her head questioningly and smiling at him.

“For always having my back, even when you knew what I’d done. For always trying to help. And for being you, of course.”

“I love you, Barry. _Of course_ I’ll always be here for you.” She blinked once, twice. It had slipped out, but the words felt right on her lips. She  _ did _ love Barry, maybe had always loved Barry, and she was glad she finally said the words.

He looked as surprised as she did, his green eyes suspiciously bright as he blinked rapidly. “I love you too, Cait,” he said softly, and drew her in for another kiss.

She pulled him closer, wrapping her legs around him, wanting him on every inch of her skin. His lips felt like fire against hers, and she moaned a little into them as he started doing things with his tongue —

_ “What the hell, guys! _ ” Cisco’s voice from the doorway startled them, and Barry literally fell on his butt.

_ His very cute butt,  _ Caitlin thought.  _ He looks great in that Flash suit, _

“Hmmmmmmm?” Caitlin said, blushing furiously.

“ _ What was that? _ ” Cisco demanded.

“Wha-what?” Barry spluttered.

“Are you guys a thing? Was this always a thing? What happened? Oh my god, I don’t think I even want to know. Ew. Okay, man, look. I just came in here to get my slushie, but really, guys. Please don’t make a baby on our desk. I have to sit here. But I’m really happy for you two!” And with that, Cisco rushed back out.

“I think we scarred Cisco for life,” Caitlin said, laughing.

“Let’s take this out of S.T.A.R. Labs?" Barry asked, looking at her for approval.

She nodded and he scooped her up bridal style, putting her down gently in front of her apartment. She inserted her key into the lock with shaking fingers and as soon as they were in the apartment, Barry had her pressed against the door, his lips hot on hers once more.

Caitlin wrapped a leg around his waist, locking him in. His lips traveled south, nipping at her earlobe, trailing burning kisses down her neck. She closed her eyes, losing herself in the feeling. Even though she and Barry had confessed their mutual feelings for each other a few weeks ago, when Zoom had kidnapped her, they hadn’t progressed past that. Each seemed to be tiptoeing the line between friendship and something more, held back by some strange uncertainty. And then Barry’s dad had died, and she wanted to give him space. She knew altogether too well how much grief could change a person — and how much you needed to cope with grief yourself.

But all thoughts rushed out of her head as she unzipped his Flash suit, tracing her fingers down his lightning-induced abs. He paused in his kisses to grin up at her. “Like what you see, Dr. Snow?”

“Very much so,” she replied, and pulled him back in — but not before removing her own top. He sighed, or rather hummed happily, and she couldn’t help but grin at that – it was so  _ Barry _ of him. He focused his attention on her newly uncovered skin, ghosting his lips over the swell of her breasts.

“Barry, bedroom, now.” Caitlin ordered, before all coherent thoughts escaped her. And with a flash, they were there.

* * *

_**Caitlin's apartment, Post-Flashpoint.** _

“I’m starving,” Barry complained from the sea of blankets, Caitlin wrapped in the crook of his arm, her head resting on Barry’s chest.

“I can hear your stomach grumbling,” she acquiesced with a laugh. “Wanna order delivery?”

“Oooh, yes!” His eyes lit up like a child being told he could have ice cream for dinner.

“What’re you in the mood for?”

“I can always eat anything, you know that. You pick.”

“Are we having the couple’s classic ‘no, you pick the restaurant!’ argument already?”

“Are we arguing, Dr. Snow?”

“No, definitely not. Well,  _ I  _ am in the mood for some bougie pizza.”

“ _ Bougie _ pizza, huh?”

“Yep. This place in Leawood does this thin crust pizza with sausage and truffles and honestly, it’s kind of overpriced, but it’s my favorite with a glass of wine.” She sighed happily and snuggled closer to his chest for a moment, before rolling away and picking up her phone.

“OK, they’ll be here in the 30 minutes!” She chirped, feeling lighter than she had in ages. Barry had this strange ability to make her forget the outside world, even when it was crisis after crisis.

“Welll, I know what we could do to keep us occupied for the next 30 minutes,” he said, pulling her back next to him and wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

“You’re quite the seducer, Mr. Allen,” she said as she bopped his nose with her finger.

“I am. But only with you.” He grinned.

“We make quite the pair, don’t we?” She asked, both of them remembering that moment where they had felt something more.

“We are,” he answered, forgoing additional words in favor of kisses.

30 minutes later, the pizza guy stood in front of Caitlin’s apartment, ringing the doorbell for the fifth time. “These people,” he muttered, rolling his eyes. “They’re probably having sex.”

All of a sudden, the pizza was gone from his hands, and in its place was a fifty dollar bill. He could’ve sworn he saw a flash of red lightning and a laughing voice echo from the apartment. Shrugging his shoulders, he walked back to his car, rejoicing at his good luck.


	22. i'm only me when i'm with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry and Caitlin go to karaoke... again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of my favorite chapters to write. Pure feel-good fluff.

**i’m only me when i’m with you**

_ Well, you drive me crazy half the time  
_ _ The other half I'm only trying  
_ _ To let you know that what I feel is true  
_ _ And I'm only me when I'm with you. _

_ — “I’m Only Me When I’m With You,” Taylor Swift _

* * *

  
_**S.T.A.R. Labs** _

“Who’s down for some karaoke!?” Barry asked, practically vibrating with excitement. “I think it’ll be a  _ great _ team-bonding activity.”

“You will have to get me veryyy drunk before I sing again in front of people,” Caitlin muttered.

“What was that, Cait? You can’t wait to sing with me again?” he crowed gleefully.

“Yes, Barry, that’s exactly what I said.” She rolled her eyes affectionately at the overly enthusiastic speedster. "Not everyone has the voice of a Broadway star, you know."

“Geez, guys. Tone down the sexual tension, already!” Cisco interjected. Both his friends spun around to glare at him. He put his hands up in surrender. “Just sayin’, man. Anyway, I’m in. The last time we were going to go, it was just you tricking us into heading to your lab so you could spill the dirt on fake Dr. Wells, and we never actually got to go. It made me real sad, dude.”

“Sorry, man. But it’s for real this time. Iris and Eddie and Wally and Joe are in too!”

“Sure, when are we going?” Caitlin asked, needing to mentally prepare and also to add it to her planner.

“Tonight! I figured we could go back to the dive bar where Cait and I first sang when we were looking for Clay and Shawna.”

* * *

_**Caitlin's Apartment** _

The boys had gotten to the bar first. Caitlin, who was usually early to everything, figured they could use some guy time alone and used the time to catch up with Iris, who was  _ very _ talkative. She realized that Iris didn’t really have any other female friends either, and thus had no one to gush about wedding details with.

“Have you guys decided on a date already?” Caitlin asked curiously.

“Honestly, I don’t know how we’re so behind. We keep waffling on it — with all the Flash stuff going on, it’s hard to pick a time when we’re not… you know, fighting monsters.”

“I know,” Caitlin said softly. “I think it’s better that you pick one though — it’ll make it seem more real.” She squeezed the other girl’s hand. “Like when I married Ronnie — wow, that seems like  _ ages _ ago — we decided to just do it then and there, because we didn’t know how much time we had. You and Eddie… you have the gift of time, but don’t keep putting it off until the perfect time.”

“Thanks, Caitlin. Ooh, would you like to go wedding dress shopping with me? It’s something I’d always thought I’d do with my mom, but —” Her face fell a little. Her mom  _ was  _ alive, but it was still a sore spot that her dad didn’t tell her about it.

“I’d love to, Iris,” Caitlin said, before the other girl could spiral down in her thoughts.

Iris beamed, then widened her eyes in realization. “Wait, I’ve been so selfish. I haven’t even asked about you and Barry!”

“We’re… good. We’re really good, actually,” Caitlin said, smiling. And she spilled the long story out, sparing Iris the details of her sex life, though (she was sure Barry’s surrogate sister didn’t want  _ those _ images of Barry in her mind).

Iris practically squealed in delight. “I’m so happy for you two! I knew Bar would find someone — and I’m so glad it’s you.”

“Speaking of — he just texted asking where we were. Oops. So, what do you think of this dress? You have amazing style, so I trust your opinion.” Caitlin pulled out a deep navy dress, whose thick material would cling to every curve.

“Ooh, yes. That’ll look amazing on you,” Iris gushed. She stripped quickly and got into her own dress, a dark burgundy form-fitting one that matched her lipstick to the tee.

“Eddie’s a lucky guy,” Caitlin complimented. “You look amazing as always, Iris.”

“Heh, thanks! Now, let’s get your makeup done and we’ll be ready to go…”

* * *

_**The Karaoke Bar** _

Caitlin was getting some definite deja vu as she strode into the bar, the sound of tipsy singing filling the air. Despite spending her whole life (or so it seemed) in S.T.A.R. Labs, she loved getting dressed up. Something about a tight dress and heels made her feel more glamorous than her regular self, and walking in with Iris only boosted that feeling. It was like being with the popular girls at school.

She laughed a little to herself at the thought, then spotted Barry sitting with Cisco, Eddie, Wally, and Joe at a large table. The girls strode over to them, taking pleasure in how Barry and Eddie’s jaws dropped a little.

“Hi - hi!” Barry said, gulping.

“What?” she teased, role-playing the last karaoke night they had here.

“No-nothing, You just look really nice. Beautiful, I mean. Really beautiful. Not that you aren’t always beautiful —”

Out of the corner of her eye, Caitlin could see Iris smother a laugh as she perched comfortably on Eddie’s lap. Joe looked like he wanted to facepalm. "Typical Bar," she heard Iris mutter to her dad.

“That is  _ not _ how you talk to girls, by the way,” they all heard Cisco whisper to Wally. “The one thing you probably shouldn’t learn from the Flash.”

“Don’t worry, he got the girl,” Caitlin said, shutting them all up. They had agreed that this would be the night they “made their relationship public” (i.e. tell all their friends) so that there were no surprises all around.

Though it looked like no one was really surprised.

“I’ll go get us drinks,” Barry said, turning as red as his suit.

“Wine, please!” Iris called.

As Barry walked away, Caitlin canvassed his retreating figure with her eyes, drinking in the sight of him. He was, in true Barry fashion, in another sweater, but this one was navy — almost the exact color of her dress. It was tighter than his usual sweaters and clung to his broad shoulders and back in the most delightful way. Dark jeans were slung over his hips — tight but not too tight.

“I see you checkin’ our boy out,” Cisco said in her ear, making her jump.

“ _ Boundaries,  _ Cisco!” she yelped.

“No, no,” he wagged a finger at her. “Boundaries disappeared when you guys were dry humping on my desk.”

“We were  _ not  _ —”

“For you, madam,” Barry interrupted, setting down a tequila and lime with seltzer in front of her and a glass of red wine in front of Iris.

“Thanks, Barry,” they said in unison.

“Drink up, Cait,” he grinned. “I have a song queued up for us.”

She groaned.

“It’s not ‘Summer Lovin’,’ don’t worry. But if it makes you feel better, I’ll go first.” And with that, he hopped on stage.

“I’d like to dedicate this to a special someone,” he said, looking directly at her. “And hope that she doesn’t make fun of my taste in music.”

As the song started, Caitlin bit back a laugh. It was one that she used to love, but she was surprised that Barry knew it. Though, on second thought, she was not surprised at all that Barry listened to Taylor Swift. He was a romantic, after all.

He sang,

_ Just a small-town boy and girl  
_ _ Living in the crazy world  
_ _ Trying to figure out what is and isn't true  
_ _ And I don't try to hide my tears  
_ _ My secrets or my deepest fears  
_ _ Through it all nobody gets me like you do _

_ He really **does** have a great voice,  _ Caitlin thought, unable to stop the growing smile from spreading on her face.

Never, ever, in her life did she expect to be sung to like this, and to be honest, it felt kinda nice.

“Bar loves singing, but doesn’t really do it in front of people,” Joe murmured, as they all stood to give him a standing ovation (much to Barry’s embarrassment). “He really only sang with his mom around or when he thought no one was listening. So it means a lot that he’s singing to you in front of the whole bar.” He patted Caitlin’s shoulder approvingly.

“Nowwww, it’s Caitlin’s turn!” Barry announced. “Once upon a time, this girl made the whole bar chant my name to get me up on stage, so it’s time we turn the tables on her — right?” The crowd roared, and Caitlin thought that if the whole superhero thing didn’t work out, Barry could probably moonlight as a singer if he needed a break from being a CSI.

“Caitlin! Caitlin! Caitlin!” Barry began chanting, and the crowd followed a few beats after, the volume rising.

Caitlin downed her drink quickly (and Cisco’s as well), before standing up and making her way to the stage.

“Hey! I was drinking that!” Cisco protested. “I’ll need it to protect my ears,” he muttered.

Barry tucked her under his arm as soon as she got on stage. “Cait, you ready?”

“I’m ready! Though, I deeply apologize for my voice,” she said with a laugh. “I was drunk last time, but I really do not get better as a singer when I’m more sober.”

The crowd laughed — with her, it seemed.

And the music began to play. It was a ballad, one that she loved. Barry started off:

_ What would I do without your smart mouth  
_ _ Drawing me in, and you kicking me out  
_ _ Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down _

_ What's going on in that beautiful mind  
_ _ I'm on your magical mystery ride  
_ _ And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright _

He motioned for Caitlin to sing her turn:

__ My head's underwater  
_ But I'm breathing fine  
_ __ You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

And they traded off, his voice melting through hers. She had fun, laughing at Cisco’s pained expression, Joe’s amused one, and Wally’s straight-up near-hysterics. Iris was making the same face Barry used when he saw a cute puppy, and Eddie wasn’t looking at either Barry or Caitlin — he was looking at his wife-to-be with such an intense look of love that Caitlin’s heart melted right then and there for the couple.

_ And you give me all of you,  _ Barry sang.

_ Cause I give you all of me,  _ they sang together.

_ And you give me all of you,  _ Caitin finished,

And the whole bar stood up this time, wolf-whistling. “Adorable!” someone shouted.

“Wow, nice crowd tonight,” Barry said, with a huge grin. “Well, our time’s up. Give it up for Caitlin!” He pulled her arm up in victory as they left the stage.

“My turn!” Cisco said as his friends came back. “Let me show you what  _ real  _ singing is.”

“I need another beer,” Joe said, laughing.

Barry and Cailin didn’t say anything, but held each other’s hand tightly under the table, grateful to have this moment of peace and happiness with their friends. Their family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If only this were real! The karaoke scene in season 1 was one of my favorites, and I just had to bring it back. Plus, I love me some Iris-Caitlin bonding time. I truly wish they were friends. Hands up if you can see Barry singing to Taylor Swift.


	23. after effects

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caitlin's powers begin to grow and she searches for answers.

**after effects**

_Oh, baby, where are you now when I need you most?  
_ _I'd give it all just to hold you close_

_— “After Hours,” The Weeknd_

* * *

_**Caitlin's Apartment** _

“No,” Barry said, as Caitlin wriggled her way out from under his arm. “More sleep. Stay.”

She laughed softly at his morning grumbling. “I have to pee, Barry. Plus, we should get up.”

He groaned in response and wrapped his arm around her tighter. “O’more minute…” he mumbled, nuzzling his face into her hair.

Caitlin acquiesced with a smile. It was unreal that this was her new normal — waking up in Barry’s arms, feeling loved, protected, and seen.

She wished they could stay there forever.

“Okay, Barry, I _really_ have to pee now. But I’ll make us coffee while I’m up.” She pulled herself free and got up, only to find him fully awake and staring at her.

“What?” she asked, a little self-consciously, pulling at the hem of Barry’s oversized shirt.

“Nothing,” he said, his gaze intensifying. “You’re beautiful, Cait.”

She blushed. “Thanks, Barry.”

“Just speaking the truth. Now go pee. I’ll make the coffee.” He grinned and shooed her to the bathroom.

As Caitlin turned on the shower, she noticed steam filling the bathroom. _What the heck?_ she thought. There shouldn’t be any steam at all; she only took ice-cold showers in the morning…

With a start, she glanced at her hands and realized. It wasn’t steam, but rather _frost_.

She caught a glimpse of herself in the smooth glass of the shower. Her eyes were a bright, icy blue.

“Ahh!” she screamed, and Barry came zipping into the bathroom.

“Cait?” he asked worriedly. “What’s wrong?”

She looked back up at her reflection, but she looked normal. The frost had disappeared as well. Everything in her screamed at her to tell Barry, but she wanted to handle this on her own. Besides, Barry had enough on his plate, dealing with Alchemy and the burden of changing the timeline. With Jesse’s newfound speed and Wally’s obvious disappointment.

 _It’s funny. I think you’re the person least affected by Flashpoint,_ he had said with a little laugh.

How wrong he was.

“Oh, I think I just saw a spider. Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” she said shakily. She’d tell Barry once things were settled down.

* * *

Barry held Frankie on the rooftop, letting her cry all over his Flash suit. _Good thing it’s waterproof,_ he thought wryly.

As he flashed them over to S.T.A.R. Labs, he left her in Caitlin’s capable hands. “I just wanted him to stop hurting me,” Frankie sobbed.

Caitlin knelt in front of the girl. “You’re okay now,” she soothed. “We’re putting him away; he’ll never be anyone’s foster dad again.”

Barry watched her comfort the crying girl and knew that the same thing that had drawn him to Frankie’s brokenness was drawing Caitlin in too. _She was good with kids,_ he realized. And all of a sudden, he could see it — their future together, Caitlin round and glowing with pregnancy, the birth of their first child, the first of many more to come. Growing old with Caitlin and watching their children grow old too.

He shook his head a little and smiled wistfully at his thoughts. This was no world to bring a child into right now. His dreams of a family would have to wait.

Barry walked up behind Caitlin and knelt down to Frankie’s level too, putting a steadying hand on Caitlin’s shoulder. “This isn’t your fault, Frankie. I know that you can fight the darkness within you. Caitlin’s found you a nice home in Keystone with wonderful parents who will take care of you. People who will never hurt you.” He smiled at the girl, who was wiping her tears away.

 _That could’ve been me,_ he realized. _If Joe hadn’t taken me in._ He felt another surge of gratitude toward his foster father.

“What if Magenta tries to come back?” Frankie asked worriedly.

“Fight her,” Barry answered immediately. “And we’ll be there if you need us.”

“Thank you,” she said. She looked at Barry and Caitlin. “I almost… I almost wish I had parents like you two.”

Caitlin looked at Barry, surprised. “We’re not —” she started.

“I mean —” Barry said at the same time.

They stopped and smiled at each other.

“Thank you,” Barry said instead.

“We’re here for you anytime, Frankie, really,” Caitlin said.

* * *

_**S.T.A.R. Labs** _

“Soooo,” Barry started. “Are we gonna talk about —?”

“The fact that Frankie assumed we were together?” Caitlin shrugged. “Kids are perceptive.”

“No, heh,” Barry ran a hand through his hair. “I meant…” He cleared his throat, looking a little uncomfortable. “Maybe it’s too early to have this conversation, but I was wondering. Do you want kids?”

She just looked at him.

“Does that mean… no?”

“No, Barry,” she said. “I was just surprised. You know, I’m an only child, but I always wished I’d grown up with siblings. And I couldn’t wait to have kids when Ronnie and I were engaged, but now… I’d still love to, but I’m a little afraid of bringing a child into a world that seems so unsafe.”

Barry reached for her hand. “I feel the same way. I’ve always wanted a family — two kids at least, maybe a boy and a girl — but we’re having enough trouble dealing with the metas as it is.”

“Glad we’re on the same page, Mr. Allen.”

“We always are, Dr. Snow. See you at home?”

“I have some things to clean up here, but yes, I’ll see you at home.”

“I’ll pick up takeout. Anything sound good?”

“I picked last time. This time it’s you,” she said. “Anything would be great.”

Barry grinned and flashed off.

As Caitlin cleaned her equipment, placing everything carefully back in its original place, she noticed the temperature in the room dropping significantly. _No no no,_ she thought. _Not now._

So she did what any logical person would do — she turned off all the lights and ran to her car, driving home with the heat on full-blast.

While she drove, she figured it out. Caitlin knew what she had to do.

* * *

_**Caitlin's Apartment** _

Barry woke with a strange feeling. _Was it the Thai food we had last night?_ he wondered. But as he rubbed his eyes groggily, he realized quickly what it was.

Caitlin was missing.

“Cait?” he called, panic rising in his throat. _She’s probably in the bathroom or in the kitchen or maybe she went on a walk what time is it I hope she’s okay??_

There was no answer.

Getting out of bed slowly, he looked around. No signs of forced entry. Had she… just left him? It was her apartment after all. Maybe she just went to work early.

As he stumbled into the kitchen for a glass of water, he saw a sticky note on the fridge. “Had to take care of a family emergency,” it read. “Love you; I’ll be back soon. XO Cait.”

Feeling slightly reassured but deeply curious, Barry peeled the sticky note off and ran his thumb over it gently, wishing it was Caitlin’s soft skin he was touching instead. “Love you too, Cait,” he whispered.

But he still couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that she was in trouble.

* * *

**_S.T.A.R. Labs_ **

His day was not made better by the entrance of the one and only H.R. Wells, yet another version of Harrison Wells from yet another earth. It seems like there were infinite Wells… and they all were equally intelligent yet aggravating.

Wells brought them all coffee, but — “I think you’d be better off sticking to decaf, Flash,” he said, handing Barry his cup.

“Yeaaaah,” Barry said. “Thanks.” He hated decaf.

“Oh, Caitlin left something for you. A message. I, uh —”

Cisco pressed the button for him. It seemed like no matter what version of Wells it was, Cisco’s natural inclination was to dislike them.

“Hey, you.” Barry smiled softly as Caitlin’s voice filled the Cortex.

“I need to go take care of something for a few days, but I’ll be back soon. Good luck without me —” (he could hear the smile in her voice) “— and don’t let Cisco eat my pizza pockets, okay?”

Everyone stared at Cisco, who had stopped midway through putting another bite of said pizza pocket into his mouth. “It… uh, wasn’t labeled,” he mumbled guiltily.

Barry still looked concerned, despite Caitlin’s message. “I gotta go, I’m running late,” he said, as Wells started rambling about team-building exercises.

He couldn’t stop worrying about Caitlin all day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a filler chapter, but definitely one that sets up important pieces of the plot.


	24. frost, but make it killer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caitlin and Frost wrangle for control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the action!

**frost, but make it killer**

_ I got the good side of you  
_ _ Sent it out into the blue  
_ _ The people danced to the sound of your heart  
_ _ The world sang along to it falling apart _

_ — “The Good Side,” Troye Sivan _

* * *

Caitlin returned to Central City quietly, without fanfare. It was good to be reunited with her mom, even under these circumstances, but her mother’s parting words haunted her:  _ I’m sorry, honey. But the more you use your powers, the stronger they’ll get. _

While Caitlin didn’t  _ mind _ having superpowers, she  _ did _ mind having zero control over them. And she definitely did mind have a killer alter-ego who had a history of being a conniving bitch.

How was she going to break this to Barry?

With a sigh, she unlocked her front door — and stopped short. Barry was there — or rather, he was flashing around doing god knows what, because all Caitlin could see were red flashes of lightning. “Baaaaarrrry?” she called questioningly.

The red lightning stopped abruptly and Barry somersaulted at her feet, seemingly off-balance. “Heeeey, Caitlin,” he said in return, looking sheepish.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I was just pacing. And stress-cleaning. But like, mostly pacing.”

She gave him a look.

“Hey! I was worried about you, Cait,” he said honestly.

“Barry,” Caitlin said slowly, not quite able to meet his eyes. “We need to talk.”

“Talk? Uhhh, heh, yeah, sure. What is this talk about? That phrase really never does precede good news. Look, if this is about me being here while you were gone, I’m sorry. I just really missed you and —”

“Barry.”

“Sorry,” he said again.

“Come, sit,” she said, sitting down on her wide couch and patting the space next to her, sounding more confident than she felt. “I —” she swallowed. “I have a confession to make.”

For once, Barry kept his mouth shut and looked at her, his gray-green eyes sharpening with curiosity. And a little apprehension.

“I’m a meta.” Caitlin let out a long exhale. “It seems that when you created Flashpoint, my powers started to activate. She’s inside me — Killer Frost.”

Barry took her hand in his, looking at her trustingly. “Cait…”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I was trying to figure it out on my own; you had so much on your plate. And my mom — I thought my mom could help. She’s pretty famous for her work on cryo-genetics, but she said that the more I use my powers, the stronger they get. I don’t really know what to do, Barry.”

“Cait, what are you afraid of?” he asked softly.

“I’m afraid of losing control. Of becoming  _ her _ . Killer Frost. Of hurting someone.”

“You remember what I said to Frankie?”

“You said… you said that you’d always be there for her if she needed it. That she had good inside her. That if Magenta came out, she could fight her. She was strong enough.”

Barry nodded. “The same applies to you. You’re strong enough, Cait. You’re one of the strongest people I know. And one of the kindest, smartest, most beautiful people I know. With the biggest heart. So if anyone can maintain control over Killer Frost, you can.”

“Thanks, Barry,” Caitlin said, with a little sniffle. “But I think you win the Golden Globe for the Biggest Heart.”

“Heh,” he said, turning a little pink. He hid his embarrassment with a kiss. “Cait, I mean it though. I’m always here for you. I’ll always be here for you. No matter how busy we get or how big the problem is — especially if it’s a big problem.” He squeezed her hand tighter.

“Thanks, Barry,” she said again, pulling him in close for a hug. “So… wanna show me how much you missed me?” she asked, quirking an eyebrow and looking toward her bedroom.

Barry didn’t respond. He simply scooped her up, bridal style, and flashed them to said bedroom.

* * *

**_S.T.A.R. Labs_ **

“Cait. Thank you for using your powers… I know what that meant to you,” Barry said, looking much refreshed in a flannel shirt and combed back hair.

Caitlin turned from Cisco, who was complaining about migraines and making a mess out of the gurney. “I didn’t do anything,” she said, shrugging it off.

“Well, you saved my life.”

“You’ve saved mine plenty of times,” she replied.

But Barry knew she was worried beneath her calm smile. He saw the hesitation as she took the power dampening cuffs off and shot an ice blast at Savitar. Even from the ground, gasping for breath and absolutely  _ freezing _ , he could see her pause for a moment, staring at her hands in wonder? disbelief? then up at the dark night sky, as if thanking the stars that she maintained control over both her powers and her alter-ego.

Caitlin didn’t hesitate often, not when it came to his life, so he knew what a big deal it was for her.

But she would never admit it. “I’m gonna… go check on Wally,” she said softly, turning and leaving. She needed time to think. It felt like Frost was there,  _ right  _ underneath her skin, laughing in her head, her scornful tone an undercurrent in all of Caitlin’s thoughts. It itched. But in a strange way, Caitlin was a little comforted knowing that she wasn’t alone.

“Okay,” Barry said in an equally soft tone and smiled at her retreating figure.

_ Handsome boy over there really likes you,  _ Frost said, as Caitlin’s eyes flashed ice blue.

Caitlin gasped but continued walking, praying that no one else saw what had just happened.

_ You know, there’s a real easy way to solve this,  _ Frost said as Caitlin drove home.

Caitlin ignored her and turned the radio up.

_ I know you can hear me, Caity. Also, can you please change the station? All these sappy love songs are making me want to freeze everyone to death. Plus, who even listens to the radio anymore? How did I get trapped in a grandma’s body? _

Caitlin reached for the volume knob to turn it up, only to find it frozen.

“Frost!” she shouted in frustration. “Stop. Ruining. My. Life!”

_ Oh, Caity. I’m not ruining your life. I’m helping you become great. _

“Riiight. And like… evil, right?”

Frost sounded hurt.  _ I’m not evil. _

“Then why is your name  _ Killer _ Frost?”

Caitlin could almost feel Frost shrug.  _ Unclear. Probably because of my killer good looks, honestly. _

“Ok, Frost. I’m going to give you one chance before we walk into my apartment and act all normal around Barry so he doesn’t worry. How can we help Wally?”

_ Use your powers on the guy they caught and are interrogating. He knows who Alchemy is. Find Alchemy, bring them all down. This guy has seen Savitar, has seen Alchemy. He’s not scared of what cops will do to him during interrogation. But he  _ **_will_ ** _ be scared of a meta. _

“I can’t hurt him, Frost.”

_ Let me do the dirty work for you, Caity. _ Frost smiled, and it felt like ice was seeping through her veins.

Caitlin felt a little powerful and very powerless at the same time. “Do  _ not  _ hurt him, Frost.”

_ I’ll try, Caity. Just for you. But you’ll thank me later, no matter what. _

And for an evening Caitlin and Barry were able to watch a movie ( _ anything but  Frozen , please,  _ Caitlin had begged), eat dinner (Caitlin cooked this time — it took her mind off things and finally shut Frost up), and snuggle in bed before passing out (Barry had started snoring during the movie, to be honest. Caitlin supposed getting hauled around Central City by a speedster who proclaimed he was a god really did a number on your energy levels). As she drifted off to sleep, nestling cozily into the crook of Barry’s arm, she felt Frost almost  _ purr _ in delight as well.

_ What?  _ Frost said, her voice echoing as Caitlin’s eyelids grew heavy.  _ He’s nice to be around. _

* * *

**_CCPD_ **

Frost was having a  _ lot  _ of fun. She was out to play, and she had had enough of this sniveling man’s proclamation that he “served the dark lord, Savitar.” Like, come on. What was this, some nerdy video game?

Lords and gods and monsters. If anything… “You should fear  _ me _ ,” she hissed, eyes lighting up and frost seeping out of her hands. She smiled.

As she walked away, freezing the door shut behind her, she ignored the shouts of the men stuck inside. “Don’t worry, Caity, she muttered under her breath. “They’ll figure it out. Not cold enough to kill them. It’s just like… extended cryotherapy. It’ll help them burn a few extra calories.”

“Excuse me!” a British voice called from behind her.

_ Ugh.  _ She spun around and found a scraggly blonde man looking at her. “Hm. I guess you’re coming with me.”

* * *

**_S.T.A.R. Labs_ **

“Huh?” Joe said as he walked in, seeing Wally still cocooned. “Caitlin told me Wally was out…”

“I didn’t even see her leave,” Iris said, confused.

_ Oh no,  _ Barry thought, and flashed to CCPD.

“Just the man I wanted to see,” Detective Patterson said, loading his gun.

“I — what?”

“Your little friend’s in trouble.”

“My f—?”

“A female meta-human kidnapped Julian Albert. Look familiar?”

“No…” Barry trailed off as he looked at the security footage.

“Well, she’s smart. Took out all the security cams before she did anything. But don’t worry, we’ll get her,” the detective said confidently, cocking his gun and leaving.

Barry stood over the monitor, watching as Caitlin frosted the cams over. “What are you doing?” he whispered. “What are you doing, Cait?”

He headed back to S.T.A.R. Labs, deeply worried.

“What about Savitar?” Joe asked.

“No, we have to find Caitlin first. Then we can find Savitar.” Barry said, a little desperately. They  _ had  _ to find Caitin before CCPD and their SWAT team did.

But H.R. served kinda helpful, albeit annoying (those drumsticks!!). They managed to track down Caitlin and Julian, and Barry flashed off immediately, mumbling something about getting to them first.

* * *

**_Le’s Frozen Foods Warehouse_ **

“What part of  _ I’ll freeze you to death  _ did you not understand!?” Frost shrieked as she turned back around, realizing that Julian had messaged CCPD while she had her back turned, warring with Caity over the ethics of it all.

She raised a hand. This annoying man with the annoying accent and a desperate need of a haircut was going to die.  _ Sorry, Caity,  _ she said, without even a little remorse.

“No! You can’t!” Barry flashed in front of Julian, stopping Frost mid-freeze.

“I have to.”

“No, Cait. You don’t want to hurt anyone.”

“Yes, she does! She wants to hurt people!” Julian shouted from behind him.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Cait,” Barry said.

“No! Knock her out!” Julian egged.

_ God, he grows more insufferable each day,  _ Barry thought, and smacked his arm back into Julian’s head, effectively knocking  _ him  _ out.

“At least you shut him up, Flash,” Frost said sweetly. “I never thought he would.”

“Caitlin,” Barry said softly.

“ _ Leave me alone! _ ”

“What’re you doing?”

“I have to find Alchemy!”

“We  _ will  _ find him. Together.”

“No! You don’t understand. I don’t want to lock him up. I need him to  _ help me _ ,” she said, gesturing wildly.

“Help you  _ what? _ ” Barry asked, not understanding.

“ _ I need him to get rid of my powers! _ ” Caitlin burst out.

Barry was stunned into silence. Iris, hearing the whole conversation over Barry’s comms, shook her head sadly. “Oh, Caitlin…” she whispered.

“I don’t know that it works that way,” Barry said, keeping his voice soft and gentle.

“You don’t know that it can’t!”

“I know that I love you, and we will do  _ anything  _ we can to help you. You and I… we’ve been through too much together to let each other down now. Please. Let me help you.” This was Caitlin, Barry was sure of it. He was beginning to tell (other than the eye color change… which to be honest, he found a little scary but also a little hot) when it was Caitlin and when it was Frost.

Caitlin looked like she wanted to run into his arms, but then her eyes flashed blue. “Like you helped your mother?” she asked cruelly. “Or Wally? Or me?”

“Caitlin…” Barry said, hurt.

“You keep messing with people’s lives, and we’re left to pick up the pieces of your mistakes.  _ Some things you can’t fix once they break. _ Like you tried to fix Cisco’s family? That’s right, Cisco. Dante was  _ alive _ in the other timeline. When Barry fixed everything, Dante died.  _ Barry  _ is the reason your brother is dead,” Frost spat.

Frost’s words stung more than any ice dagger she could’ve thrown at him. The secret about Dante was something Barry had told only Caitlin, and for her to use it against him like that… he knew that this wasn’t Caitlin, not really, but his heart broke a little at seeing the woman he loved rub salt in his wounds and stomp on his already heavy conscience.

Words mattered.

Guns cocked and Patterson’s voice shouted, “Albert’s down! Shoot her!”

Without even thinking, Barry picked Caitlin (Frost?) up and flashed her to safety. She gasped as he set her down behind a pallet, forming an ice dagger in her hand.

Barry screamed as it made contact. “That severed your triceps surae. Even with your healing abilities, it’ll take four hours to regenerate,” she said, sounding like the Dr. Snow he knew. But like… uncaring. “Don’t follow me,” she finished emphatically as Barry groaned in pain.

“Caitlin!” he reached out for her, on his knees like a man hoping desperately for salvation.

His hands scrabbled at thin air. She was gone, and Barry hurt in more places than one. Even after he pulled out the ice dagger, blood coating more than four inches of it, his heart felt the most broken of all.

* * *

**_S.T.A.R. Labs_ **

“How much does it hurt?” Iris breathed.

“As much as I deserve,” Barry replied. He was unused to being treated by anyone other than Caitlin. He missed her steady surgeon’s hands patching up his numerous wounds, missed her concerned face being the first thing he saw when he woke, missed the way her teeth tugged at her lower lip when something was bothering her, missed her kind eyes and calming presence.

At least Iris knew enough to clean and bandage his wound. Iris opened her mouth to say something, but –

“They took Julian to County Hospital. He’s still out cold,” Joe said, walking up. “How hard did you hit him?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t mean to knock him out…” Barry winced, pulling his shoe onto his injured leg. Then he shrugged, not at all sorry. “Or maybe I did.”

He limped a little as he got off the bed, making a beeline for his friend. “Cisco! Hey man… what Caitlin said…” he trailed off as he saw the man in question stare blanking into the distance, his shoulders slumped and his hair a little unkempt. Barry hadn’t seen Cisco that despondent since… well, maybe ever.

“Was she lying?” Cisco interrupted, not meeting Barry’s gaze.

There was a long silence.

Cisco turned around to find his best friend staring at him, shell-shocked. “No… uh… I’m sorry,” Barry said, at a loss for words.

Iris watched the two men have this awkward conversation and she couldn’t help but walk closer. Partly to listen, but mostly because her heart hurt for Barry. And for Caitlin. And for Cisco. For all of them really — they had been through so much.

“You’re… sorry?” Cisco said incredulously. “That you  _ killed my brother _ ?” He walked up to Barry, tears shining in his eyes. “‘Cause he was here. Until  _ you _ created Flashpoint.” He poked an accusatory finger into Barry’s chest. “Until  _ you  _ did this.” He emphasized that last statement with a shove, effectively sending his lanky friend back a few steps.

Iris bit her lip. Should she intervene?

“I know, man.”

“I don’t even know how to feel right now!” The tears in Cisco’s eyes were threatening to overflow. “All that I know is  _ Caitlin  _ is out there, and we need to find her.” He looked up at Barry. “Can we do that?”

“Yeah,” Barry said, his gaze never breaking from Cisco’s. “Yeah,” he repeated, nodding.

_ If there was anything that would bring these two together again,  _ Iris thought,  _ it would be their love for Caitlin. I hope she’s okay. _

As the team headed out to the two addresses Julian had found, Barry couldn’t help himself from saying, “Cisco. If you find her…”

Cisco turned, his eyes dark and flat. “I won’t call you. You’ve done enough.”

Barry looked down and resigned himself to being benched, to his girlfriend gone missing, and to one of his best friends hating him.

If he was being honest, he hated himself a little right now too.

* * *

A heavy silence hung in S.T.A.R. Labs. Iris had grown up with Barry and his moods — sullen, self-deprecating, contemplative, ecstatic, content, light-hearted, all of it — and knew when to keep quiet.

So she perched on the desk, watching him. He watched the screens, waiting for any sign of Cailtin.

_ Beep beep beep. _

“What’s that?” Iris asked, hopping off the desk.

Barry rushed to the far monitor. “It’s the satellite. It’s programmed to track rapid temperature decelerations. That's the house Cisco is watching.”

And before Iris could finish saying, “Oh god,” Barry was off.

She sighed and resumed her perch on the desk. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

**_16 Hawthorne Ave, Central City_ **

Rain had started to pour. It was soft at first, a light mist in the dark night, but as the time ticked on, it began to pound a steady staccato on the pavement.

_ 2:04AM _ read the red numbers on the clock in the house on Hawthorne. Normally Caitlin would be sleeping, but she and Frost had some answers to get.

That was, before Cisco came barging in.

She threw icicles at him with deadly accuracy. The last one would’ve gotten him, had she not been distracted by a sudden hiss of red lightning streaking down the block.  _ He always finds you, Caity,  _ she thought to her counterpart.

The rain was working to her advantage. Hello, a whole new world... of ice. She smirked as Barry slid to a stop at her feet. Speed and cold did not play well together, it seemed. “How’s the leg?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

He groaned and flung a long arm out, tripping her. She landed on the ground beside him with a  _ thunk! _ , both of them breathless and staring at the dripping night sky.

“That was cold, Flash,” she said. “But this is colder.” She launched herself off the concrete and straddled him, planting a long kiss on his still-panting lips. It was like reverse-CPR, almost — Frost was simultaneously drawing the warmth out of him and breathing cold air into his lungs. She deepened the kiss as Barry began to turn blue. He made no move to resist her… though she supposed he was pretty much an ice sculpture by now.

_ Kinda like in Frozen,  _ she thought wryly, before a twin blast of vibe power blasted her into the windshield of a parked car.

“Start vibrating. It’ll warm you up,” Cisco said to Barry as he took off after Caitlin.

Barry did as he told. As his cells began to generate more heat, he rolled to his side and stared after his two friends helplessly.  _ What’re you doing, Cait?  _ he thought again.  _ What’re you doing? _

* * *

**_S.T.A.R. Labs_ **

Caitlin woke in a very familiar, very padded cell, feeling quite like a zoo animal. She groaned and pulled herself into a seated position, glaring daggers at the crowd gathered in front of the glass. “Whew. Guess I just needed a little sleep. Thanks guys! I’m feeling a lot better now. You can let me out. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna hurt anybody.”

She looked expectantly at Team Flash. No one said a word. No one made a move.

“Hmph. I guess you’re all smarter than I thought.” She shrugged. “You know, that was some blast there, Vibe Boy. It kinda hurt.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” Cisco said sadly.

“You’re pathetic.” His face fell.

“Alchemy can’t help you,” Barry interjected before Cisco could dwell too much on what Caitlin was saying. “But we can.” He fidgeted, rubbing thumb and forefinger against each other over and over again, wishing it were Caitlin’s skin he was touching instead.

“Ohh… like you promised Ronnie?” she spat. “You know, for a  _ hero _ , Flash, you sure do let a lot of people around you die.”

Barry looked down and kept his gaze down as he replied, “This isn’t you talking. It’s the powers. They’re messing with your mind.” He finally met her eyes. “You’re sick.”

“I’m  _ broken, _ Barry,” she said, her bright blue eyes boring into his weary green ones. “But what do you care?”

“I  _ care,  _ Caitlin, I  _ love _ you!” he burst out.

She ignored him. “I’ll tell you what. You let me go, and I’ll leave you to your sad, miserable lives.”

“No. We’re not abandoning you.”

_ “You did this to me!” _ Caitlin hissed, and that was the final straw. Barry closed the gate, leaving her in perpetual darkness.

Alone.

“Do you have any idea how we can reverse this? How can we get Caitlin back?” Barry asked Cisco, an edge of desperation bleeding into his voice.

Cisco blinked away unshed tears. “It’s just like what Caitlin said: sometimes when things get broken, they can’t get fixed.” Cisco walked away, leaving Barry with his thoughts.

Alone.


	25. all gods were once men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You are not a god, Barry."

**all gods were once men**

_ “You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain.  
There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see.” _

_ —  _ _ Circe, _ _ Madeline Miller _

* * *

“You are not a god, Barry,” Iris said, kneeling in front of him. Her brown eyes were large and sad and understanding.

“That’s what Jay said.”

“He’s a smart man. Look, Barry. I know you don’t want to be a leader right now, but everyone, Wally and Cisco and Caitlin especially, needs you. They need the Flash.”

Barry gave a pained smile. “Thank you, Iris. You always know how to make me feel better.”

“You’re going to get her back, Bar,” Iris said softly. “You will.”

And so here he was, standing face-to-face with Caitlin again. This time, he was begging for her help.

“Wally’s gone AWOL.”

“So?”

“So when we find him, he’s gonna need your help. He’s gonna need your medical expertise, your experience with metas.” He took a step closer to the glass. “What he needs is Caitlin Snow, M.D.”

She laughed a little, leaning against the walls of her cell. “So you came to try and talk some sense into me,” she said scornfully.

As she shifted, Barry noticed streaks of white-blond highlighting her hair. Whatever that was… it couldn’t be good. “No,” he said. “I came to let you go.”

He opened the cell and Caitlin looked at him warily, wondering if it was a trap. Barry planted himself squarely in front of her, knowing that upstairs in the Cortex, Joe and Iris were probably exchanging worried and confused looks.

She stalked up to him. “For a smart guy, that was an awfully dumb move.”

He shook his head. “Like I said, you’re free to go.”

“What’s the catch?”

“You have to kill me,” he responded, without hesitation.

“You wanna  _ fight _ , Flash?” Caitlin growled, more ice blonde streaking her soft brown hair.

“No. I’m not gonna fight you. But if you wanna leave this room, you’re gonna haveta kill me.” His gaze never wavered.

“Don’t think I won't.”

“Then do it.” He shrugged carelessly.

An ice dagger appeared in Caitlin’s right hand and they both looked down at it. Barry locked his gaze with hers once more as she raised it to his chest. “What’re you waiting for?” he asked, almost smirking.

Caitlin swallowed.

“What’s the big deal? Come on.” He shrugged again. “Live up to your name, Killer Frost. I wanna see some killing. You wanna be the villain? This is what they do. They kill their loved ones because nothing matters to them anymore. Right?”

He could see his Caitlin breaking through, could see her eyes widening and her resolve wavering.

_ “Right?”  _ he repeated, grabbing her arm and pressing the dagger to his chest for her. “Come on.  _ Kill me, Caitlin. _ ”

“You can’t do it,” he said, shaking his head. They were so close now that he could bend his head and capture her lips in a kiss if he wanted to. If there wasn’t a dagger between them. “You can’t. Because underneath all that cold, you’re still you.”

With a gasp, Caitlin’s eyes turned back to the familiar chocolate brown he loved so much and her grasp loosened. The dagger shattered on the floor and she threw her arms around him, sobbing. “Barry!” she croaked.

He rubbed her back soothingly, letting relief wash over every part of his body. “It’s okay,” he said — for his benefit as much as hers. “I got you. It’s okay.”

Caitlin buried her face in his soft flannel shirt, breathing in the scent of clean rain and cinnamon, of soft cologne and coppery electricity. Breathing in the scent of home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are actually a few chapters still before the whole Savitar meetup, but this chapter and the next few are my favorites :) Happy weekend, y'all!


	26. white christmas (interlude)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are not one, not two, but three surprises this Christmas.

**white christmas (interlude)**

_ I'm dreaming of a white Christmas  
_ _ Just like the ones I used to know. _

_ — “White Christmas,” Michael Buble _

* * *

_**West Household** _

Somehow, it was already another Christmas.

It wasn’t a white Christmas, not this time — the rain fell heavy outside. But Caitlin was thankful for the normalcy of celebrating at the West’s, their home thoroughly decked out by Iris. Soft holiday music played in the background, and as glasses clinked, eggnog was drunk, and Team Flash chattered together, it was almost easy to pretend that they were just a regular group of friends celebrating the holiday.

She held Barry’s hand nearly the whole time, grateful that this Christmas, she had him by her side. Despite the appearance of Frost, despite Savitar and Alchemy and the mind-controlling stone, despite actual aliens and Barry seeing Iris die in the future, at least they had each other. Caitlin turned and met Barry’s eyes, seeing the same gratitude reflected in them. He brushed his lips softly against her cheek, a silent  _ thank you  _ for the reassurance she provided.

“Rain on Christmas. It’s neither holly nor jolly,” Cisco proclaimed, still sounding a little despondent.

He looked at Barry. “Can I talk to Caitlin alone?”

“Yeah… um sure,” Barry said, letting go of Caitlin’s hand and making his way to a solitary armchair across the room.

“You know he’ll never forgive himself for what he did, right?” Caitlin asked softly.

Cisco nodded. “Yep. I’ll never forgive him either. Look… about Dante. I just wanted to thank you for talking me off the ledge.”

Caitlin smiled, smoothing her red dress down. “I know you’d do the same. In fact, you have.”

The two friends shared a smile, only to be interrupted by — “Ciscan! Caitco!” H.R. stumbled into sight, clutching a mug of eggnog in his hands. “This holiday concoction done by Joe is amazing…” As he continued rambling about the wonders of Joe’s eggnog (Caitlin suspected it had been heavily spiked again), Caitlin noticed Barry clutching his own cup. He seemed lost in thought, his eyebrows pulled down in a frown as he stared off into space. She patted Cisco’s shoulder, her way of saying “good luck,” as she left him to deal with the tipsy H.R., and made her way over to Barry.

“Hi,” she said as she perched on the wide arm of the chair.

“Hey,” he responded, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her into his lap.

“Are you okay? We won, Barry. We defeated the bad guy.”

“I know, Cait. I just feel like… this isn’t over somehow.”

Once again, they were interrupted, this time by Joe and Cecile kissing. Everyone cheered, Barry and Iris the loudest of all. “Finally!” Iris exclaimed.

A polite knocking quieted everyone. “The police!” H.R. said.

“Shhh…” said Barry, pulling the now-drunk man into a small hug before going to answer the door. “It’s not the police; _we’re_ the police.”

Julian stood on the other side, dressed in a neatly pressed charcoal suit, wearing a hopeful look in his eyes. “Merry Christmas, mate. I… after everything that happened, being alone on Christmas felt a little lonely.” He cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable with being so vulnerable. “I have something for you.”

Barry opened the small envelope to find his CSI badge. “I talked to Captain Singh. He, uh, never processed the paperwork, so you can have your old lab back. Or we can share it?” Julian looked at him, the question repeated in his eyes.

“Thanks, man.” Although Barry would probably never be great friends with Julian Albert, at least he didn’t find him a pompous asshole anymore.

Caitlin walked up behind Barry, her fingers brushing his. He inhaled the scent of vanilla and sandalwood and hummed a little in pleasure. “I’m glad you came, Julian,” she said, smiling. “Come in! Can I get you a mug of eggnog?”

“Yes, please,” Julian said empathetically as he followed her to the kitchen.

Iris grinned at Eddie, watching the scene. “It’s like they’re playing host and hostess,” she said.

He laughed a little. “They’re quite good at it. Speaking of host and hostess…” He unwrapped his arm from her waist and knelt on the ground in front of her, pulling out a burgundy velvet box that matched her dress.

“Iris West, will you marry me?”

Tears spilled down Iris’s face as she cried, “Yes!”

Everyone applauded; H.R. was full-on crying on Cisco’s shoulder, Joe, Caitlin, and Barry somehow all gave Iris a hug at the same time, Wally and Eddie were exchanging fist bumps, Cecile and Julian smiled but looked a little uncomfortable at witnessing the intimate scene.

As carolers began their sweet song outside, Caitlin took off her cuffs quietly, Cisco looking on worriedly at her side as she turned the heavy rain into softly falling snow.  _ Just like the one I had before my dad died,  _ Caitlin thought wistfully.

It was a Christmas they'd all remember. A seemingly perfect one. The calm before the storm.

A moment of peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Christmas in August ;) I may have cried a little writing this, nbd.


	27. may you always be with a song in your heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caitlin undergoes a dangerous operation; Barry copes in the best way he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something BIG happens in this one!

**may you always be with a song in your heart**

_ “Everything is better in song.” _

_ — Barry, to Cisco _

* * *

Barry may have been the fastest man alive, but that was zero use as he watched Caitlin panting in pain on the hospital bed.

“I trust you, Julian,” she said.

“Caitlin! I can’t do this. You’re talking about staying awake during your own surgery!”

“I trust you,” she repeated simply.

Barry didn’t. Sure, he was becoming better friends with Julian, but did he trust him to  _ do his first operation on Caitlin?  _ Hell no.

Still, Julian was the closest thing they had to a doctor (other than Caitlin), and she absolutely refused to take off her meta-dampening necklace to let her abilities regenerate her.

Caitlin looked at him. “Barry, you don’t have to watch this. Please go home. Get some rest.”

Barry’s hands were vibrating with worry. “Cait, I can’t — I want to be here for you, I…”

“Barry. Please. Do it for me. And everyone else, other than Julian and Iris — out. They need to concentrate.” It was going to be a messy, messy process, and she didn’t want them to hear her scream. Or for Julian to freak out with Barry hovering over his shoulder. Or for Barry to freak out. She knew she could trust Iris’s steadiness, and she knew having Iris there would make Barry feel better about leaving.

Barry swallowed hard. “Okay, Cait.” He leveled a hard look at Julian. “Call me  _ immediately  _ if anything happens.”

The blonde man nodded. “I know you may not like me all that much still, Allen, but I promise I will keep Caitlin safe for you.”

Barry nodded and flashed home. He was pacing around Caitlin’s apartment,  _ their _ apartment — he had begun moving all his things there anyway since he stayed there most nights — when a breach opened in the living room.

“Cisco!” he yelped.

“Look, man. I’m not going to leave you alone. I know how worried you are about Cailtin. Hell,  _ I’m  _ worried about Caitlin. But she’s strong. So… let’s do something to take your mind off of it for a few hours, huh?”

Barry scrubbed a hand over his face. “Okay, yeah.” He paused, looking like a little kid for a moment. “Can we watch  _ Singing in the Rain _ ?”

“What  _ is _ that?”

“Oh, man. Okay, grab some tissues. You’re going to need them.” Barry flashed home, picked up his beloved DVD and his favorite blankets, and had started playing the musical on Cait’s TV before Cisco had even grabbed a tissue box dazedly and sat down on the couch.

After a few minutes, he got up. “Dude. What is  _ with _ you and musicals?”

Barry looked up at his friend, not even bothering to wipe the tears from his face. “Hand me a tissue, will you? And don’t judge. Everything’s better in song.”

Cisco sighed and sat back down. “I would’ve preferred  _ Star Wars _ , but okay. Your home, your rules.”

* * *

“Ready?” Caitlin asked calmly.

Julian took a deep breath. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Okay. Let’s start with the shrapnel on the surface.”

“Is there supposed to be this much blood?” Iris asked worriedly as Julian pulled the first few pieces out.

“Blood is normal, but if it’s too much, I’ll start hemorrhaging,” Caitlin said matter-of-factly.

* * *

In the end, they did it. Julian did it.

“I’ll need you to stitch me up now because I think I need to pass out,” Caitlin said weakly, as Iris and Julian exchanged a celebratory smile.

“Oh yes, yes, of course,” the blonde man said immediately, rushing over

As he stitched, Iris called Barry. “Bar, she’s okay. Julian’s stitching her up now. You can come back if you want.”

“Thanks, Iris,” he said, and sped off, leaving Cisco alone in his nest of blankets.

“I guess that’s good news?” the other man said to himself, sighing and opening a breach into S.T.A.R. Labs for himself.

* * *

Caitlin was unconscious by the time Barry got there, but Julian was still stitching. “Hey… good work in there, Julian,” Barry said, unsure of what to do with his hands. “Thanks for keeping her alive and safe.”

Julian grinned, an unfamiliar look for him. “I love her the same as all you guys. We’re friends. And I promised you, Allen. I never go back on my promises.”

Somehow, his hands had found steadiness, because he closed her wound with even, tight stitches. Iris gave Barry an understanding nod over Julian’s head. “She was so brave, Bar. So calm. And now all she needs is some rest.”

As Julian finished his work, Iris cleaning the wound, Barry shooed them out to rest. “I’ll stay here and keep her company,” he said, immediately taking a seat by Caitlin’s side and holding her hand. “Thank you both, really, for everything. She couldn’t have had two better people by her side.”

The duo nodded and left to change out of their scrubs, Julian rubbing his eyes with weariness and relief.

* * *

Caitlin was happily surprised to find Barry holding her hand as she regained consciousness, a reverse of how they usually ended up.

She smiled. “Hey, Mr. Allen.”

He grinned in response. “Hey, Dr. Snow. I’m usually the one in the bed, recovering… so this must be weird for you.”

She nodded, laughing a little. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“I told you, Cait. I’ll always be here.”

* * *

**_Caitlin’s Apartment_ **

Caitlin knew she should probably spend the night at S.T.A.R. Labs to make sure she was fully healed, but honestly, she really just wanted to sleep in her own bed with Barry beside her.

Well, she was the doctor here, so she made the rules. So she had Barry drive them back in her car, reminding her of a time seemingly long ago, when he drove her back after Zoom.

It seemed like he was thinking of it too, because he was unusually quiet. As he opened the door and helped her in, immediately settling her on the couch —  _ why are there so many blankets here, Barry?  _ she had asked with a laugh — he hovered in front of her.

Was Barry… nervous?

“Cait,” he began.

It was then that Caitlin noticed something odd in her living room. “Barry? Why is Joe’s piano here?”

His only response was to give her a sheepish smile and seat himself at the bench, running his fingers softly over the keys. “Because I have something for you.”

He began to play, a soft melody that seemed hauntingly familiar. And when his voice joined in, Caitlin felt her eyes automatically tear up.

_ I’m not sure what the future holds  
_ _ But this is one thing that I know  
_ _ That no matter what happens  
_ _ I promise to always keep you laughing _

_ Every hour, every minute  
_ _ The only future I want is one with you in it  
_ _ I was blind at first, but I’m glad I wasn’t too late  
_ _ To tell you I’ll always be there when you wake _

Barry stopped playing and rose, still singing. He walked over to Caitlin, taking her hands in his.

_ All I ever wanted to do  
_ _ Was to love you, to love you  
_ _ Everything I have keeps me running home to you  
_ _ Day by day, minute by minute, I’m thinking of you  
_ __ It’s you, it’s always you, it’ll always be you.

Barry knelt on the ground and pulled out a navy blue velvet box. Inside was the most beautiful ring Caitlin had ever seen.

“Caitlin Snow, will you marry me?”

Caitlin’s hands had flown to her mouth in shock and she removed them to cry, “Yes, Barry, yes!” He slid the ring on her finger, relieved that it fit perfectly. “It’s my mother’s wedding ring,” he said, before pulling her into a deep kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The countdown is on. 6 chapters to go! I loved the Barry proposing scene (it made me cry even though it was a WA one), so I modified the lyrics a bit to suit their situation, and jumbled together the scenes a bit so it fit cohesively. Can't wait to hear what y'all think :)


	28. the future is in our hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie and Iris's wedding results in unforeseen circumstances.

**the future is in our hands**

_ "I promise to always love and protect you, to honor you, to build a future with you. When I was on the brink of death, all I could think about was you and keeping you safe. Because without you, there is no future for me. You’re all I want, and all I’ve ever wanted, Iris West, and I am so proud, overjoyed, and grateful to make you my wife." _

_ — Eddie’s wedding vows to Iris _

* * *

Caitlin didn’t know how Iris did it, but the other woman had somehow found the time to wedding plan.

“Do you feel okay with this, even with everything happening?” Caitlin asked softly.  _ Even with your potential death in the future?  _ were her unspoken words that hung in the air.

Iris smoothed her white dress, relishing the feeling of the delicate lace against her fingers. She did a slow spin, watching how the dress skimmed over her curves, the mermaid style suiting her wonderfully.

She smiled at Caitlin, a little sad despite it all. “If your first wedding taught me anything, it was that no matter what, we do what we can with those we love.”

Caitlin walked over and gave her a hug, nodding. “You look stunning, Iris.”

This time, Iris gave her a full-on smile. “Thanks, Caitlin. You did all the hard work of helping me pick it out! And I hear you’ll be looking for your own white dress soon?” she raised a mischievous eyebrow.

Caitlin blushed. “Not  _ that  _ soon. Barry and I were hoping for a winter wedding.”

“Awww, I love it! Well, I hope I can return the favor,” Iris replied, smiling.

“You ready?” Caitlin asked, watching her friend.

“I’ve never felt more ready,” Iris replied, assuredly.

Right on cue, Joe walked in. “Baby,” he started, his eyes filling with tears.

“Awww, Dad! Don’t cry. Come here,” she soothed, tucking his arm into hers. “Let’s go walk down that aisle.”

* * *

**_St. Matthew’s Cathedral, Central City_ **

Soft light poured in through the stained glass windows, casting an otherworldly glow on the guests. They turned as the wedding procession music started, played by Barry on the piano. There wasn’t a dry eye in the building as the beaming bride walked in, her gown trailing behind her. Joe looked like he was going to cry again, but years of being a cop had taught him to look (somewhat) stoic.

Eddie never took his eyes off his bride-to-be as she made her way down the aisle. He smiled, feeling like his grin would split his face.

As Iris made her way up, turning to face Eddie, her smile was just as big as his.

Barry took his place by Eddie’s side as his best man, his own green eyes tearing up as he watched his surrogate sister find happiness at last. It wasn’t the happy ending he had envisioned for her — for them — when he was a lovesick teenager, but it was the happy ending she deserved.

But the day held an edge in it for him still. Barry couldn’t stop replaying the scene he saw in the future, of Savitar holding her up and stabbing her clean through with a long, metal finger. Of her last words being, “I love you, Bar. Please take care of our dad for me.”

He shook the memory away as Dig presided over their marriage. As he turned his gaze back to the couple, he met Caitlin’s eyes as she stood by Iris, holding her bouquet. She gave him a small nod of understanding — she knew his fears almost as well as he did.

Iris began her vows: “When I met you, Eddie, you were the part of me I had felt that I was missing. You made me happier than I had ever been. You’re my hero, my rock. And I’m glad my dad finally likes you now,” she finished with a laugh. “I’m a reporter, a writer, but these words were the hardest to write, because no words can encapsulate how I truly feel about you. I love you, Eddie, always. I promise to always love you, through sickness and health, through the ups and the downs, through the crazy things that this world has to offer.”

“I’m glad Joe likes me too,” Eddie said, for the crowd to hear. “He’s an intimidating man.” The two men laughed together, along with the guests.

Eddie cleared his throat. “Iris West. I promise to always love and protect you, to honor you, to build a future with you. When I was on the brink of death, all I could think about was you and keeping you safe. Because without you, there is no future for me. You’re all I want, and all I’ve ever wanted, Iris West, and I am so proud, overjoyed, and grateful to make you my wife.”

They slid their wedding rings onto each other’s fingers and Diggle announced, “I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride!”

Eddie and Iris’s lips met, the two fitting together like two pieces to a puzzle. The only sound was of simultaneous sniffles from the guests.

They broke apart and turned, Iris wiping away tears from her own eyes. “Now let’s dance and drink!” she proclaimed to roaring applause.

* * *

**_S.T.A.R. Labs_ **

“Guys guys guys! You have to look at this!” Cisco shouted, running in.

He led them to the Time Vault and gestured excitedly at the paper.

FLASH SAVES CENTRAL CITY FROM IMPENDING CRISIS

By Iris Thawne

Iris’s eyes filled with happy tears and she hugged Barry, smiling. “I knew I wasn’t a hyphenator,” she laughed.

Barry’s grin was so wide, it was in danger of splitting his face. He gave a disbelieving laugh and reached for Caitlin, drawing her close.

“It seems like we have the power to change our destiny,” she whispered to him. Her eyes met Iris’s for a second, and she gave the other woman a small, happy nod, thinking of their conversation a long time ago.

“No one’s dying anytime soon,” Barry proclaimed gleefully.

“Dude, that’s bad luck —” Cisco started, holding his hands up as if they could vibe away the words Barry said.

But he was interrupted by Caitlin collapsing against Barry, going limp in his arms.

“Cait!” he shouted.  Everyone watched in horror as she began seizing uncontrollably. “ _ Do something! _ ” Barry screamed at Cisco.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the fluff! All the suspense!


	29. snowchild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry makes a difficult decision in order to save Caitlin's life, but it sets off a chain of unintended consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter many of you have been waiting for! Buckle up, it's a long one.

**snowchild**

_ Every month another accusation  
_ _ Only thing I'm phobic of is failing  
_ _ I was never blessed with any patience  
_ _ So I’m leaving, leaving, leaving into the night _

_ — “Snowchild,” The Weeknd _

* * *

_**S.T.A.R. Labs, 2017** _

Barry had managed to flash Caitlin to the hospital bed in her med lab and Cisco, with shaking hands, had hooked her up to the machines so they could track her vitals, but it wasn’t looking good.

“Heart rate’s dropping,” Julian said, his brow creased in worry.

“What’s happening?” Iris demanded.

“It could be a blood clot that dislodged from her surgery…” he trailed off.

“Guys,  _ we have to do something _ !” Barry shouted.

“Ok, Bar, calm down — we’ll save her —” Iris said evenly.

“ _ No one is doing anything! How can I be calm? _ ?

“BP is dropping too,” Julian interjected. “Cisco, get the defibrillator.”

As Caitin’s heart rate flatlined, Cisco handed the paddles to Julian. “Charging. Clear.” He instructed everyone to move away.

Nothing happened, even as Caitlin’s body jerked off the table in response to the electrical shock. Cisco waved a finger under Caitlin’s nose, seeing her turn paler and paler. “She’s not breathing!”

Before anyone knew it, Barry was giving her CPR. Julian pulled him off. “Mate, move. We have to try the paddles again.”

Barry looked like he wanted to fight Julian, but got out of the way. “Charging. Clear,” Julian repeated.

Still nothing.

Cisco teared up, Julian dropped the paddles, Iris covered her mouth in horror. And Barry? Barry’s green eyes flashed red and he tore off Caitlin’s snowflake necklace.

“Dude, what the hell!” Cisco shouted. “It’s not what she wanted!”

“I don’t care! It’s better than letting her die. We can deal with Killer Frost,  _ but I can’t have Caitlin die! _ ”

Julian gave him a nod of understanding. “You did the right thing, Allen,” he whispered softly.

Iris’s hands were still clamped over her mouth, tears flowing freely down her face now.

“Cait? Cait?” Barry was shaking her shoulder. “Cait, please wake up,” he cried, burying his face in her hair. He was so absorbed that he almost didn’t see Julian lifting up her shirt and peeling off the bandage from her surgery.

The two-day-old stitches were disappearing, revealing creamy, smooth skin underneath.

Everyone sighed in relief.

Then Caitlin sat up with a start, her eyes glowing blue. “Well, hello boys. Iris. Look at you, crying over Caity. Well, well. I have to give you all a give thank you for letting me out, especially you, loverboy.” Her blue lips curved up in a winning smile. “You’re right. Letting me free is way better than dealing with a dead Caity. No fun in that.”

“Caitlin,  _ please _ . You can fight this; you can fight her!” Barry pleaded.

“Hm. But I don’t  _ want to _ ,” she responded, fake-pouting.

“Cait, I’m begging you. I know you can hear me in there; I know you’re still there —”

“I’m getting sick of you begging, Flash.” She shot an ice blast at him, knocking the rest of them flat on the ground. “Save that for the bedroom.”

“Caitlin!” Cisco and Julian screamed simultaneously. “Stop!”

H.R. came running into the room. “Wha—”

Caitlin/Frost shot a blast toward him as well, only missing because he dived behind a fallen table. “Oopsies,” she said.

“Guys, we gotta get out of here,” Iris said. She was already crawling toward the exit. “Bar, you can’t reason with her like this.”

“You guys go. I have to talk with Cait,” he replied, not taking his eyes off of her. She was stalking toward them, seemingly trying to decide who to blast first.

H.R. didn’t need more encouragement. He dove for the exit and took off at a run toward the pipeline, Cisco and Iris close at his heels. Both cast a worried look at their friends back in the med lab, the ice queen towering over her scarlet king.

“It’s just you and me, Flash,” Frost purred. “How ‘bout another kiss?”

“ _ Stop! _ ” He threw her back with lightning.

“You don’t play nice, do you, hun?”

He began to flash her to the pipeline, but she threw another ice blast at him, throwing him back into the lab. “Toodles,” she cooed, freezing over the entrance and running out of S.T.A.R. Labs.

Barry got up and flashed outside, but he was too late. The snow was falling even though it was April, heavy and thick like it had been at Christmas.

“Cait!” he screamed at the snow, knowing that he wouldn’t get an answer.

The only response was the muffled sound of snow blanketing the ground.

* * *

“I have to go to the future,” Barry said.

Everyone stared at him in shock. “But Caitlin —” Iris started.

“Caitlin is out there, I know. Please,  _ please _ find her. Keep her safe. But I have to find answers. I know that it’s all tied to Savitar. And I know those answers will save both Cait and Iris.”

No one questioned him.

* * *

**_Central City, 2024_ **

Just his luck — he ran straight into Mirror Master and Top. And just his luck, he got away.

“You can run, Flash,” they called as he sped off. “But you can’t run from Savitar and Killer Frost.”

_ What? _ Barry thought as he ran into the distance.

He found out soon enough. Cisco had a heart-to-heart with him, seemingly glad to have someone to talk too.

“Iris’s death broke you, man. I guess you couldn’t take one more member of your family dying. Caitlin tried to be there for you, but she was already becoming Killer Frost. And more than that, her death broke Joe. Broke Wally. Broke apart all of us.”

“You left Central City, never to be seen again. Wally’s spine was shattered when I tried to avenge Iris’s death, but he’s been in a wheelchair with a blank stare for the past seven years. Joe visits Iris every single day, cleaning her grave and putting down fresh flowers. Julian’s been buried in his work, trying to find you all these years. He even became a doctor, in memoriam of Caitlin, I think. H.R. —” here Cisco scoffed — “H.R.’s been writing  _ fanfiction _ about the Flash and turning it into a best-selling series. Steamy romance. Hate it. And me? I’ve been working as a lowly engineer in this city overrun by Savitar and Killer Frost. That’s right. Caitlin’s been Frost ever since, partnered up with the “God of Speed” who destroyed your life.”

Barry gaped at him in shock. “Cait — but why would she?”

“I dunno, man. She’s Frost. She’s evil.”

Barry frowned. “And I just  _ left _ Joe, left them all…just like that?”

Cisco shrugged. “It’s a dark time.”

“I have to find Savitar. It’s been seven years — he’s out there?”

“I guess you’ll find out. They're right outside, man.”

He stood up and looked out the window. Killer Frost stood there, blonde hair gleaming in the dim sunlight, the God of Speed himself towering by her side. “Hello, Flash,” she cooed, her voice reverberating all the way up to his room. “Missed us?”

Savitar picked her up and the two of them broke through the window.

“You see, Flash,” Savitar growled. “I have destroyed your whole life.”

“I’ll defeat you!”

“There is no defeating me. I am the God of Speed.”

“Who are you, really?”

“Oh, Barry,” Frost laughed. “You will be  _ so  _ surprised when you find out.”

Savitar laughed, a terrible noise. “Oh, Flash. You’ll never defeat me. Even by going to the future, even if you go to the past. And you know, just to show you how powerful I am, I’ll give you a little hint…” Mechanical whirring sounded as Savitar’s suit came off.

“You’ll never defeat me because I  _ am _ you,” Savitar said, staring at Barry with a face that looked exactly like his own. Dark floppy hair hung over his forehead, half covering the side of his face that was deeply scarred.

“When I killed Iris, I turned you — us — into something deeply dark. And so in order for me to keep living, I must kill Iris in 2017. But you see, Barry… how can you possibly stop yourself?”

“That’s why Caitlin trusted you,” Barry breathed, looking at Killer Frost.

“And now we rule the world together. The God of Speed and the Queen of Ice.” Savitar smiled, but there was no warmth in his eyes.

“Go back to the past with the knowledge that your sister will die, that your family will break apart, that you are destined to become evil, that the one you love will never be her innocent little “Caitlin Snow” counterpart again. Good luck, Barry Allen, because you’ll need it. Because whatever you do, I am coming for you.”

“But… the newspaper in the Time Vault. Iris writes it,” Barry said, still gaping.

Savitar’s eyes flickered with uncertainty. “Lies!” he hissed.

_ That was the key,  _ Barry thought.  _ Savitar doesn’t know that the byline’s changed to “by Iris Thawne.” _

Barry didn’t stick around to find out any more. He grabbed Cisco, said a hasty “goodbye” as he flashed him to a safe place, and returned to S.T.A.R. Labs, where he could begin to put together the pieces of the puzzle.

* * *

**_Central City, 2017_ **

“I’ve been waiting for you.” Savitar’s eyes were glowing as blue as Frost’s, but she wasn’t afraid. Walking out here in the woods, barefoot in the snow — she finally felt free.

“Oh? And what’s that?” she said warily.

“Salvation.”

“You wanna cure me? Turn me back into Caitlin Snow?” she asked spitefully.

“No. I want to make sure Caitlin never returns.”

“Why should I trust you?”

Mechanical whirring filled Frost’s ears as Savitar stepped out of his giant suit. Frost looked up at the face of the man she loved, his hair darker than she’d ever seen it, cut into an edgy style. His long bangs flopped over the side of his face, not quite covering the ridges of scar tissue that mottled his right cheek. But his green eyes are as captivating as ever, and bore into hers with an intensity that seemed too dark for Barry Allen.

“What do you need me to do?” she breathed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not a doctor, so I have very little idea if this is actually medically plausible (sorry!). Also, it seems to still be winter in canon in this season, but we’re going with a changed timeline here :)


	30. scar tissue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Frost could smell was him — he overwhelmed all her senses.

**scar tissue**

_And as soon as I can hold you once again  
_ _I won't let go of you, I swear_

_— "Scars," James Bay_

* * *

“It was the left leg this time, wasn’t it?” Caitlin’s lips twisted up in a dark smile. Even from his helpless position on the ground, Barry had to admit she looked good. She walked with more confidence — and her outfit showed it. Long, black boots, a short skirt, tight leather top, dark blue lips. She dressed like she owned the world… and wanted them to know it.

“Wha—?”

“Scar tissue is more sensitive than regular tissue,” she said with a smirk, driving the ice dagger right into the spot she had stabbed it months ago.

“Cait! Cait!” he screamed as she strode away, her dark cape floating behind her.

She didn’t turn back at all.

Barry groaned on the ground, getting strange deja vu. Remembering the last time Frost did that to him.

Matters of the heart always hurt more than physical pain.

* * *

**_Savitar’s Lair_ **

“You failed to kill the girl,  _ again! _ ” Savitar hissed.

“You don’t sound as menacing without your big boy suit on. Maybe you should go put it on before you threaten me again,” Frost said with as much anger as he had.

He ignored the jibe. “Stop following Barry Allen around like a lovesick schoolgirl and focus on the job at hand,  _ Killer Frost _ . For someone with ‘Killer’ in her name, you haven’t done any actual killing.”

She flinched at that, his words echoing what Barry had said to her in the pipeline as she held an ice dagger to his chest.  _ For someone with ‘Killer’ in her name, you haven’t done any actual killing. _

Savitar was so close that she could see the same green eyes Barry had, flecked through with grey. He had her backed up against the wall, and while she very much did not enjoy the lack of escape, it thrilled her a little all the same. His eyes darkened as he bent his head down closer to her level. His dark hair covered one of his eyes as he breathed, “I know you’re capable of so much more, Killer Frost. I see your potential.”

All Frost could smell was  _ him  _ — he overwhelmed all her senses. Peppermint and cedar filled her nose, mixing with the familiar scent of rain and the coppery tang of electricity. His lips hovered by her ear; she could hear his heart beating slowly, his breath hot. Setting all her nerve endings on fire.

He turned his head back to face her fully. “Then show me,” Frost whispered.

Savitar’s lips crashed into hers, a collision of teeth and tongue and stars, of fire and ice. She kissed him like he was water and she was lost in the desert — perhaps, in a way, he was. He kissed her like she was his salvation, the very salvation he had promised her. Perhaps, in a way, she was.

Her thigh wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer. He pressed her flush against the wall as his lips left searing kisses against her earlobe, her neck, her breasts. His fingers skimmed her skirt, pushing the thin fabric up.

Meanwhile, Frost’s hands found his face, cradling the scarred side. She dug her fingers in a little, both of them hissing at the same time. “Scar tissue is more sensitive than regular tissue,” she breathed, replacing her nails with the soft pad of her thumb.

* * *

After Savitar rescued Caitlin, after they were  _ so close _ to getting her back, Barry knew that he needed an answer from present-day Savitar.

“How did you get created?” Barry asked, staring once more into the eyes of his duplicate.

“I’m broken,” Savitar hissed.

Barry remembered what Caitlin — Frost — said to him in her cell. _ I’m broken, Barry. _

Maybe that’s why his future self and her killer alter-ego had teamed up. They were two people tied together by loss, by alienation, by abandonment. And somehow, in their brokenness, they felt whole together.

But in the here and now, Barry still didn’t have any answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked the lil Savitar/Frost scene ;)


	31. the future is never what it seems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team Flash races against time to prevent Savitar from destroying all they've ever loved; Caitlin's forced to choose sides.

**the future is never what it seems**

_ The future is unwritten. _

* * *

**_Infantino Street_ **

For a moment, Barry thought that he could do it. Thought that they had won, thought that they could have outwitted his dark future/past self.

But as Savitar plunged a sharp metal finger clean through Iris, the scene playing out exactly as it did when he ran into the future, he felt his heart shattering clean into two. Not only for himself, who had lost his best friend, his sister, but also for Joe, who had lost his only daughter, and for Wally, who had lost the big sister he had come to know and love.

It was a heartbreak that Barry didn’t know they could come back from, despite seeing the grim version of the future he’d found in 2024.

As he clutched Iris in his hands, sobbing over her body, he heard her whisper. “B.A…” she said weakly.

Barry’s brow furrowed, and he wiped a tear away. There was only one person who called him B.A. —

Iris waved a small metal rod underneath her face and she transformed into H.R., his face strangely calm despite the fact that he was dying. Far behind him, as if she were a whole earth away, Barry heard Tracy’s scream of despair.

“What? How?” he asked in disbelief. He was relieved it wasn’t actually Iris, but at the same time, he didn’t feel any better about their teammate sacrificing himself so Iris could live. “H.R., I need to get you to a hospital—”

“No, B.A. It’s too late for me,” H.R. gasped. “But for you… and Caitlin…Iris... and everyone else, it’s not too late. I couldn’t live with knowing that I had betrayed Iris’s location to Savitar.” His words were coming slowly, wrenched out of him as if with great effort. “I do not regret it…” He looked past Barry, up at Tracy Brand.

The blonde woman was crying freely, hysterically. “But I just found you!” she half-screamed, half-sobbed. Barry didn’t blame her. It was similar to how he had previously felt. How he’d feel if Caitlin had died in his arms.

H.R. smiled, more love in his face than Barry had ever seen. “Tracy… you are brilliant. You will go on to do amazing things, because you are amazing. I love you.”

Tracy was grasping at him with desperate fingers, but Barry couldn’t let go of H.R. just yet. The man beckoned him closer. “Tell Cisco…” he said weakly. “Tell Cisco that he gave me the strength to do this.”

And with that, H.R. Wells died, his spur-of-the-moment decision to spurn cowardice and be the hero that no one expected him to be turning the tides for Team Flash. Because of his sacrifice, Savitar’s whole plan began crumbling, sucking him into the Time Paradox.

Somewhere further away, Barry could hear Joe sobbing and Iris comforting him. But somehow, the knowledge that his family was whole and safe didn’t stop the pain of H.R.’s death and knowing that one man had sacrificed his life, his love, and his future with someone he’d only just met for Barry’s happiness.

“We’re heading back,” he said tiredly over the comms. “I’m taking Wells and Tracy with me to S.T.A.R. Labs.” He slung H.R.’s lifeless body over his shoulder and grabbed the despondent Tracy and flashed them back to their home base.

* * *

**_Savitar’s Lair_ **

“He’ll kill you, you know,” Cisco said as Caitlin (he refused to call her or even think of her as Killer Frost) paced around the room, her high-heeled boots clicking an impatient rhythm against the cold stone.

“No, he won’t,” she said assuredly.

“How do you know?” Cisco burst out, hating seeing his best friend like this. Hating that she was cold and dark and everything that Caitlin wasn’t, hating that she was buddy-buddy with Evil Barry.

“I just know.” She shrugged nonchalantly. “I don’t care what you believe.”

Savitar sped in, stepping out of his suit quickly and throwing things across the lair in rage.

“What happened?” Frost asked softly.

“They. Tricked. Me.” Savitar’s eyes were dark and flat, his scars standing out against his quickly reddening face. “I didn’t see this coming,” he admitted, a little softer. “I didn’t see that idiot H.R. sacrifice his life for Iris’s. He’s always been a coward.”

Frost smoothed a hand over his scars. “You can still ascend. Just tell me how I can help you.”

In the midst of it all, they didn’t see Cisco make a move for the door.

But Savitar was too fast for him. He sped to Cisco, plopping him neatly against the ground. Frost turned her ice blast toward him, but Savitar shook his head. “I still need him alive.”

“Me? Why?” Cisco asked.

“Because…” He paused, letting the silence draw out. He seemed to enjoy the longer-haired man’s discomfort. “I have a Plan B. You’re going to alter this so that it’ll essentially turn into a quantum splicer. So I can exist in the past, the present, and the future. From the Big Bang until eternity. That way, the Time Paradox won’t catch up with me.”

Frost smiled approving as Cisco looked at them both with horror.

“Well, I didn’t build it. So good luck.”

Frost had begun cleaning the mess Savitar had made in his rage and was out of earshot. “You’ll do it,” he hissed, and stepped closer to Cisco, vibrating his hand just as Eobard Thawne had done in another timeline.

“Or what?” Cisco snorted. “You’ll Reverse-Flash me?”

“Oh no.” Savitar’s eyebrows raised, his eyes gleaming. “I’ll Reverse-Flash  _ her. _ ” He gestured toward Caitlin, but Cisco didn’t need the gesture to know who he was talking about.

His hopes thoroughly crushed, he nodded and got to work, but hid his grin. As he began thinking, he realized that he, too, had a Plan B. And that involved getting his best friend out of the grips of Evil Barry and her evil alter-ego.

* * *

**_The Woods, Central City_ **

“It’s time,” Savitar said. “We will rule as gods. You will be my queen in the past, present, and future — I will make sure of it.”

Frost gave him a blue-lipped grin, her lips curving lasciviously. “I trust you, God of Speed.”

“We’re quite the pair, aren’t we?” he purred. “Even if we aren’t — oh, how did you put it?  _ Barry and Caitlin, at it again _ .”

“We were always meant to be,” she responded.

It was that belief that she held onto as she shouted, “Go!” at him, shooting off ice blasts toward her former teammates. She’d hold them off; he’d do his job. They slid into their roles like they’d been playing them for their whole lives.

Who knew, maybe they had.

But for the first time for Savitar, things were not going to plan. He was  _ losing _ ; Frost had somehow been  _ beat _ by Vibe, and Cisco had thrown the cure at her. “Take it or leave it. Your choice, Caitlin,” he said as he walked away.

Caitlin looked at the little blue bottle. It would be the end of her, or would it be the beginning? She had so much wanted to cure herself, to lose her powers. She was scared of becoming dark, of becoming something terrible and feared.

Yet, she had changed. These powers had given her a confidence that she never had before, a confidence that no amount of doctorates or awards or even male attention could give her.

For the first time since Caitlin was nine, she felt  _ whole _ . Like she had spent her life grasping for something that was just out of reach, only to find that it was suddenly in her hand.

Savitar had shown her what Team Flash couldn’t — that she was perfect as she was, powers and all. Savitar had sheltered her when Team Flash wanted to fix her, had told her she was a queen, a goddess, a powerful being that all should kneel before her. Hell, he’d even helped her upgrade her fashion sense.

_ Caity, _ Frost whispered.  _ I know this is hard. But I promise you I’m not manipulating you when I say that you need me. I’m here to protect you, Caity. I’m here for a reason. And I know that Barry and Savitar both need you as you are — whole, with all your abilities. _

Caitlin stood there for what seemed like ages, her hand shaking as she surveyed the bottle. At last, with a sigh, she tucked it safely into her jacket. Savitar may have been her salvation, but she knew the way now.

The way home was, and had always been, Barry.

She blasted Savitar with double blasts, throwing him into a tree. As he got up slowly, turning to face her, he sighed a little.

“Caitlin. I always knew you didn’t have it in you.”

Caitlin tried to decipher the tone in his voice. Was it disappointment? It didn’t sound like that, or anger. The so-called God of Speed sounded resigned and a little sad, as if he’d always known Caitlin would go back to Barry.

Speaking of Barry, he phased straight through Savitar’s suit — something Caitlin had never seen or expected. And as he took the suit on himself, it glowed red, like his lightning. If Caitlin didn’t know Barry was in there, she’d name him the Demon of Speed. Red was  _ not _ a good color for that monstrous suit.

Barry grabbed Savitar, just as Savitar had grabbed Iris/H.R., and extended one long, pointy, sharp metal finger. “Do it!” Savitar cried, his eyes gleaming maniacally. “It is written! Kill me, and you become me.”

Barry’s eyes met Caitlin’s over Savitar’s head, and she gave the tiniest shake of her head. He could read everything in those eyes, could see his future and his past and his present all intertwined in one —  _ her. _

He knew that he could not kill another being, not like this. Not his future self, not anyone. So he knocked Savitar out with a lightning-packed punch and stepped out of the suit, running toward Caitlin.

It had been so long since he’d held her in his arms, so long since he told her he loved her, so long since he saw those warm brown eyes instead of the frosty blue —

_ Boom! _

The crack of a gunshot echoed through the clearing. Barry had been so absorbed in getting to Caitlin that he didn’t even bother to use his speed, didn’t even bother to check his surroundings, didn’t even hear Savitar get up and speed toward him…

But Iris had. He turned to see her holding the gun with steady hands and his mouth dropped open.

“You thought you needed to save me, but in the end, it was us girls who saved you,” Iris said with a grin.

“Group hug?” Barry asked tearfully, and he opened his long arms, welcoming his sister, his soulmate, and his best friend into his embrace.

Behind them, Savitar’s body slowly dissipated into the air, leaving shimmering green flecks behind, as if fireflies were lighting up the clearing. As he faded away, Caitlin could’ve sworn she felt lips brush her cheek and his voice whisper in her ear, “Until the afterlife, my queen. Enjoy your time with Barry.”

They cried, all of them. It was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters to go! This chapter followed canon pretty closely; RIP H.R. (seriously, so so sad).
> 
> (I also just HAD to add a group hug. Because in the show, when Barry looked like he was gonna hug Cait and then turned toward Iris... OUCH).
> 
> This chapter was the climax, so expect the next two chapters to be chiller/happier for sure.


	32. aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Savitar's death is only the beginning.

**AFTERMATH**

* * *

**_S.T.A.R. Labs_ **

“Are you okay, Iris?” Barry asked seriously. “You just… killed a version of me.”

Iris shrugged. “I’m not  _ okay  _ — H.R. died for me and I just killed someone for the first time, but all things taken into consideration,  _ we won, Barry.  _ I’m safe, you’re safe, Caitlin is back, our family is safe.”

Barry nodded, understanding. Iris was tougher than him, a true cop’s daughter. She did what needed to be done.

“Eddie would be proud of you,” he whispered. “Go home to him. He’s probably worried sick.”

“I… I didn’t tell him that I might die,” she breathed. “I wanted to spare him the pain. But yes, I need to go home. Good thing he loves me so much, to deal with all of this craziness.”

“ _ Go _ , Iris,” Barry said with a laugh. He gave her a final hug. “I love you and I’m glad you’re alive. Tell Eddie I said hi.”

She nodded and raced out the door, Barry smiling after her.

Caitlin walked into the Cortex uncertainly. Barry saw that she’d changed out of her Killer Frost outfit. Her hair was still white, but her lips were their normal soft pink hue, and her brown eyes were warm and welcoming again.

“Barry?”

He reached for her and pulled her into his embrace, burying his head in her hair. “I missed you,” he croaked, as Caitlin felt hot tears hit her scalp. She was crying too, soaking his grey S.T.A.R. Labs t-shirt.

“I’m sorry!” she sniffled. “I can’t even begin to say how sorry I am for treating you, Cisco, Joe,  _ Cecile _ , Iris, everyone that way. I’m glad you’re all still alive —” she paused, remembering that H.R. was dead, and fresh tears coursed their way down her face, adding to the already large wet spot on Barry’s shirt.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” he said soothingly, rubbing comforting circles on her lower back.

“It really isn’t.”

“Maybe not now, but it will be. Time heals everything.”

“Guys!” Joe shouted, Cisco hot on his heels. The pair sprung apart, scrambling to their feet.

“The Speed Force… it’s lost a prisoner. Without Savitar, and with me free, it doesn’t have anything to keep it stable,” Jay Garrick said, appearing in a flash.

Caitlin felt her heart jump into her throat.  _ It was not over. _

* * *

**_In front of the Speed Force_ **

“Cait, I love you,” Barry said, taking her face in his hands. “I know I just got you back, but I have to go. I have to do this. I have to save the city. I can’t let H.R.’s sacrifice be in vain.”

Caitlin looked at him tearily, nodding in understanding. “I know you have to go, Barry. I love you too. I’ll be here waiting when you come out. Always.”

Barry kissed her. “Always.”

He turned and looked at her once more, not wanting to let go of her hand. “But Cait… I don’t want you to mourn me. Please keep Team Flash together, with Cisco and Iris and Joe and Wally. We need you. And  _ I  _ need you to go on living your life.”

She nodded. “Of course, Barry.” She wished that she had more eloquent words to say, words that showed how much she loved him and how much his sacrifice meant to the city, to the world.

Her last memory would be of his bright green eyes looking at her with such love, such certainty. She’d dream about it for six months, every night.

Because he was only ever there in her dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a happy ending, I promise!


	33. the beginning (again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things have a funny way of working out. [FINAL CHAPTER]

**i promise / the beginning (again)**

_ I see us in black and white  
_ _ Crystal clear on a starlit night  
_ _ In all your gorgeous colors  
_ _ I promise that I'll love you for the rest of my life _

_ — “Black and White,” Niall Horan _

* * *

**_In the fields outside Central City, eight months later_ **

It had not been an easy eight months. Barry had come out of the Speed Force with a full-on beard, long, almost-Savitar length hair, and according to reports from a very scarred family picking apples outside of Keystone, completely naked.

Oh, and he was also talking nonsense, seemingly prophetic, sometimes as if he were a kid, and drawing strange symbols on every single blank surface he could get his hands on.

Iris had come up with this brilliant-yet-crazy idea for Caitlin to let herself get taken by Samurai (or Samuroid, as Cisco dubbed him), telling her that it would trigger Barry’s memory. And that if it didn’t, Caitlin would be strong enough to fend for herself and Team Flash (aka Cisco, because Wally was now out of commission) would be at her back.

Caitlin hadn’t even hesitated before she agreed, despite being unable to fully control her frost powers still. But _ it had worked,  _ despite it all, and here they were, eight months later, standing in a wedding venue that Barry had built with his own hands (super-speed and eight months in solidarity in a speed prison sure come in handy when building things).

It was unlike any wedding venue Caitlin had seen and she wouldn't have traded it for the world. A clear glass roof ensured guests could see the snow softly falling if they ever took their eyes from the bride and groom (Caitlin’s work), warm candles and string lights lent a dream-like presence to it. That, coupled with a few roaring fireplaces, a huge dance floor, and a beautiful canopy of flowers in a mixture of navy blue and deep red made it seem like a sanctuary plucked right out of fairy tale.

Caitlin shifted, tugging at her wedding dress. It was long-sleeved and form-fitting, the sleeves made of lace in the shape of very small snowflakes. The train flowed behind her as Iris’s had. Her hair was loose and wavy; she had a small circlet of the same blue and red roses on her head.

Iris smacked her hand away. “Stop messing with your dress! You look perfect.”

“Thanks, maid of honor,” Caitlin said with a warm smile.

Felicity poked her head in, her blonde hair loose about her shoulders as well. “Caitlin! Barry’s gonna go all heart-eyes at you. Hell, he’d probably even cry.”

Iris smirked. “He’ll definitely cry.”

Caitlin smiled and raised an eyebrow. “Felicity, did you have something to tell us?”

“Oh! Yes, that’s definitely why I came in here, but I got distracted by your hotness. Are you ready? Your big entrance awaits…” She pulled aside the curtain to reveal Joe, looking very handsome in his pressed black suit. His eyes were tearing up already.

“Oh, come on Joe. You can’t cry at my wedding; you cried a lot at Iris’s,” she joked, taking his arm.

He blinked furiously. “I’m not crying. Though no promises to when we get up there. I’m so happy for you, Caitlin. And I’m so happy Bar has finally found the one.”

She smiled up at him as the sound of the piano started (it turns out  _ Cisco _ had been holding out on them all along and was actually as gifted at the piano as Barry). Taking a deep breath, she and Joe walked out.

Barry was standing at the altar, almost seeming to vibrate with excitement, yet his face was calmer and surer than Caitlin had ever seen it. She couldn’t help but smile when she saw him, her entire heartwarming. Who knew they would end up here? The future was good to her, after all.

As she walked, Kara Danvers pulled a microphone from behind her and started to sing, Cisco’s hands still flying over the piano. It was the song from when Barry had proposed — a surprise to Caitlin, because it wasn’t in her meticulously organized wedding plans. Supergirl’s voice was beautiful, soaring, wistfully sweet yet hopeful.

_ Every hour, every minute  
_ _ The only future I want is one with you in it  
_ _ I was blind at first, but I’m glad I wasn’t too late  
_ _ To tell you I’ll always be there when you wake _

As the song finished, Caitlin and Barry stood opposite each other, matching smiles on their faces. “Your parents would be proud of you,” Joe whispered to Barry as he stood behind him.

“They are,” Barry answered, with a sure smile.

Cisco took his place as best man, and Caitlin handed Iris her bouquet, taking Barry’s hands.

Dig didn’t look surprised to be presiding over another wedding (his third one at this point, after marrying Iris and Eddie, then Felicity and Oliver). “Do you have vows, or should I go with the regular ones?” he joked. “Of  _ course _ you have vows, you’re Barry and Caitlin.”

Barry actually laughed. “Well, I had about 72 pages written, then Cisco suggested I speed read it all, but I figured I’d just speak from the heart. Unless you guys want me to read all 72 at superspeed.”

The guests laughed as well. Barry Allen was still, and always would be, Barry Allen, no matter what he’d gone through.

“Caitlin Danielle Snow,” Barry began, a soft look in his green eyes. “The first person I saw when I woke up from my coma was you. And every time I got hurt, you were always there to patch me up, to hold my hand, to worry about me, to stay by my bedside, to yell at me when I did something stupid…”

The guests laughed again, and so did Barry. Caitlin couldn’t help but think about how much she loved hearing him laugh.

“All I wanted in the beginning was to make you smile. To help you shed some of that heaviness, that sadness, that burden that you carried with you. And as we got closer, I realized that I wanted to always be the reason for your smile, that I always wanted to wake up and have you be the first thing I see. I love you, Caitlin Snow, every single part of you. I promise to love you always and forever, forever and always, through space and time.”

Caitlin’s brown eyes were shining at him. “Barry Allen, you do not get to make me cry before I say my vows,” she said with a watery laugh.

“Bartholemew Henry Allen,” she said. “Whew, that’s a mouthful.”

Again, more laughter. “This is proving to be anything but a boring wedding,” Alex Danvers whispered to Sara Lance. The White Canary smirked and nodded, sliding surreptitiously closer to the dark-haired woman.

Caitlin continued. “I have never met someone who is as full of life as you are. Despite everything you’ve been through, despite doing the work to save this city day after day, you still approach everything with a beautiful sense of hope, optimism, and love. You make me laugh like no one has ever made me laugh. Every time I see you, my heart fills with joy. I remember waiting by your bedside while you were in your coma, holding your hand and praying that you’d wake up. I didn’t even know you back then, but I knew that you were important.”

She took a deep breath. “I never knew how important you would be to me, but Barry Allen, you are the most important thing in my life. I promise to always be there when you wake, to always love you, forever. Forever and always. Through rain or shine, sun and snow,” she winked, “through time and space. Forever.”

There wasn’t a dry eye in the building once again; Joe was dabbing his eyes with his handkerchief, Barry and Caitlin were both crying, Iris was glad she’d worn her waterproof mascara today, Cisco was caught between being overjoyed for his best friends and overwhelmed by emotion.

Even the normally stoic Dig, Oliver, and Eddie looked on proudly at the young man they’d come to think of as a little brother and the young woman they’d come to see as a smart, loyal badass superhero in her own right.

“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride,” Dig said, a smile breaking over his face like the sunrise.

Barry swept Caitlin into a long, long kiss, and as the guests whistled, whooped, and hollered, they both couldn’t help but feel like it was only the beginning of something epic, beautiful, and wonderful.

It was the beginning of their future.

**The end. (The beginning.)**

* * *

_ See you standing in your dress  
_ _ Swear in front of all our friends  
_ _ There'll never be another  
_ __ I promise that I'll love you for the rest of my life.

_ — “Black and White,” Niall Horan _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for your kudos, comments, love, and support throughout all 45K words (!!!) and 33 chapters (!!) of this fic.
> 
> What started out as a quarantine escapism hobby (lol that's what happens when you rewatch all the seasons of the Flash and fall in love with Grant Gustin again) turned into the longest FF I've ever written (and made me come back to writing FF after like...10 years lol).
> 
> ILY all. If you have any final comments/requests/etc. shout them out in the comments.
> 
> Thanks again for reading!
> 
> Final misc. notes:  
> \- If you haven't seen vids of Carlos (the guy who plays Cisco) play piano, he's fantastic.  
> \- No idea what Cait's actual middle name is, but I imagine it as Danielle as an homage to Danielle Panabaker.  
> \- Melissa (who plays Kara) was fantastic on Glee and I loved her singing in the OG West-Allen wedding, so I kept it in here.  
> \- 10/10 cried writing their wedding vows because of course.


End file.
